13 reasons why I choose life over death
On a somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again …
Suicide prevention is difficult to get right.
I know because I’ve been suicidal – and not so long ago.
I know enough about it all by now to have an awareness of the multitude of resources out there. I know of the strategies, suicide hotlines, crisis teams, therapists, friends … In this day and age it’s all at your fingertips really – everything that can keep you safe.
But having the ability to reach out when you’re at crisis point is another hurdle all together. I can have all the support in the world, but the decision ultimately resides with me. It’s between me, and me. Nobody else can live (or not live) my life. My life is my responsibility.
This is where suicide prevention reaches its limits. This is where the mind of one cannot be touched by another.
I hate saying this next part, because I hate hearing it: I wish I could rely on somebody else to rescue me – but that just isn’t the way it goes.
I believe that I chose this life experience. I had an understanding of what I was in for before I was birthed. I even helped design it. Therefore, I was prepared for the challenges and potential this life held for me.
Sometime towards the end of 2018 I hit one of my crisis points. Mid-breakdown, I sat sobbing on the floor of the apartment my girlfriend and I share.
‘I can’t do this! Who thought I could do this? Who’s fucking stupid idea was this?!’
My girlfriend turned calmly and coyly and said, ‘well … yours. If you believe what you say.’
I began to laugh amidst my hysterics, because I knew she was right.
When I hit crisis point (which is code for my ‘I can’t do this anymore!’ moments) the way up begins with me remembering that this story began and ends with me. I cannot be victim to this life experience.
And so, on a somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. I actually googled ‘why not suicide?’ to try and find some valid reasons for myself. I found very little but for the aforementioned resources (numbers to call, chat groups). And please don’t get me wrong – the resources out there are extremely valid, and I’m extremely grateful for the increase in awareness and support we now have for mental health. However, I was looking for something a little more specific. Evidence or good reason for life, I suppose. Hope and fresh insight. A means of connecting with others who were in the same position as me, knowing (because it’s often said) that I’m not alone. Considering my search didn’t bring the answer forward, I turned once again to me, and I thought up the reasons myself.
So without further ado, here’s my 13 reasons why. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again:
1. I’ve got all of forever to be dead
Life fucking hurts sometimes and the idea of death brings a sense of relief. (That is, unless you believe you’re going to hell.)
So what, then, is the point of living if I can experience pure, eternal love and peace by choosing to re-emerge into the non-physical?
Well, if I believe I’m eternal then I’ve got all the time in the world to experience good feelings later. My humanity, I can only experience now.
Suffering is a very temporary and very specifically human thing to experience. To me, resurfacing from pain can feel like resurfacing after a wave crashes over your head. It can make me feel more intensely alive and satisfied at living a life fully; knowing what it’s truly like to live as a human-fucking-being. I might as well make the most of it while I’ve got the opportunity.
2. FOMO
Fear of missing out.
We are at the forefront of expansion here on planet earth. Being here and contributing – whether we think we are worthy of our existence or not – is worthwhile. These are ‘happening’ times where humanity is moving at a rapid pace. Believe it or not, this is the best things have ever been. It’s a great time to be alive. I want to see what happens. I want to be a part of it.
3. I’m meant to be here
I’m here for a reason, and when it’s my time to go, I believe I’ll go naturally. I’m of value. And so, it is my obligation to myself and others that I be here to see things out.
4. I have shit to do
(Similar to point 3.) I have stuff I want to do. I have things I want to create; changes I want to instigate, dreams to fulfil … And I am the only one capable of doing the shit that I need to get done. My unique perspectives and ideas cannot be accessed by another.
5. I don’t want all the hard work I’ve done to be for nothing
It would be a shame for me to be lost. I have worked fucking hard to get to this point and I’ve created a multifaceted, intelligent, purposeful being.
6. I’ll miss my friends and family
I imagine it like a mass funeral, saying goodbye to everything and everyone that I love so so much; burying the lot. Once it’s gone, I can’t have it back. The concept of it breaks my heart. I do not want to say goodbye.
7. My friends and family will miss me
I may think I’m invisible sometimes; that I don’t have an impact. Yet I know that I am loved, even if I don’t feel it. I must have an impact, even if I don’t believe it. And I don’t want to hurt anybody. It is my intention to improve lives, not wreck them.
When you feel suicidal, it’s really hard to consider others. People say, ‘they are so selfish. They don’t consider what they are doing to the people they leave behind.’ But I understand. The pain is all-consuming.
When I was in hospital after my first suicide attempt at 16, I had somebody say to me, ‘if you can’t live for yourself, please do it for me.’
I was lucky to have somebody say that. Not everybody has evidence such as these words to prove that they are valued.
If you believe that even one person benefits from your existence, it’s worth staying alive just for them.
8. My pet mice need me
I don’t have children … But being needed is valid. I chose to care for my little mice, and they rely on me to feed them and keep them safe.
9. My daughter needs me
I don’t have a daughter – but I want to have a child. I believe my child is waiting to come into this world, pending until the right time. How will my daughter be able to be born if I’m not here to birth her?
(For clarity – my son would need me too. I just assume my first born will be a girl.)
10. I’ll miss the things I love
Life has the potential for so much joy. There are things I do on a daily basis that make me glad to be alive: Music, driving, running, coffee, wine, laughing randomly with strangers or with friends. Make a list. These small things are beautiful, and they make it worth it.
11. I don’t want to have to come back and do it all over again because I was unable to learn my lessons this time around
I believe in reincarnation. I believe that we have lessons to learn. I believe that if I bail early I’ll have to come back and do it all again in another life. It seems that I might as well keep plugging along now, considering I’ve made it this far already.
12. There is always tomorrow
… And tomorrow might be different.
13. I want to see my potential unfold
My curiosity gets the better of me. I have dreams, and I’m curious to know what my life could become. It could all fall to pieces – but I could also get everything I’ve ever wanted.
I guess I’d rather die with regret than regret never having seen it to the end.
End Note:
I understand that this article could be extremely confronting.
Firstly, I want to reassure you that I am okay. I have faith in my journey and I have adequate support.
Secondly, if you share similar thoughts or feelings, please know that you are not alone. I share my 13 reasons in the hope that they’ll help you find your own. No matter how dark it gets, things can always get better. And they DO get better. (I’m a living example.)
Get support:
Here is the number for Lifeline (Australia): 13 11 14
And a list of international suicide hotlines can be found here.
There are people out there who want to help.
I hear you and know your pain. You’ve got this.