A letter to my younger self

All the things I’d say to my younger self, given the chance. 

To you,
Young, vulnerable you.

I may be a little late in doing so, but there are some things I wish to tell you. I speak from the future, because it is only with hindsight that clarity is truly achieved. I speak from that part of you that is whole and all-knowing, who loves you unconditionally and desires the very best for you.

I see you. I see your heartache and your longings. I see your sadness and the disappointment. I see that you have an innate ability to be free – but that as you grew up in this world, your ability to act on this freedom became more restrained. This isn’t your fault; this is simply the way of the world. We are meant to lose our way, for it is in this contrast that we come to strengthen our knowing of who we are.

I see that you doubted your value. I see that you were lonely. You longed for validation, love and appreciation, for somebody to affirm how special you are. You didn’t receive this – at least not in the way that you desired. It fractured your heart, which was created to be whole. You looked at the others, thinking ‘why can’t I belong with them?’ You felt that you were different, out of place and misunderstood. ‘What do I need to do’ you thought, ‘to be more like them? To feel that I belong? To feel that I am wanted?’

I want to let you know, little one, that it was simply not your time just yet. It was a time for contrast, and a time of observation. You suffered, but it all played out the way it did for a reason. I know this doesn’t help you, or cause the loneliness to cease …

I want to reach out to you now, to let you know that you are not alone. You were never alone – you were simply isolated by the sadness and a lack of ability to know.

Truly, it is through contrast that the best gifts come forth. Should I have been able to reach into your mind then, I would have reassured you of this. I would have held your hand and spoken words of comfort. I would have made you laugh and promised you that everything would be okay. Everything will be okay, I’m telling you so now.

Throughout these times of sadness, you developed a tendency to dream. A part of you knew of your value, because you projected it into your future. ‘When I get there,’ you said, ‘then they will see me. I will belong, I will be loved, I will be free.’ This dream became your tether of hope, for without it, you struggled to see a life worth living.

There are two things I want to tell you here:

Firstly, you did not need to suffer to bear this dream. It has lived within you despite your circumstances.

Secondly, the dream is separate from your suffering; your desire to be loved, seen and heard. All these years, it has seemed that they are the same thing. Your beliefs about your unworthiness are buried into the roots of your dream. These painful beliefs exist for you so long as your dream is unfulfilled.

It does not have to be this way, because your unworthiness is not an actuality. The sadness and the loneliness – it exists and it is valid, but only because of your doubts. You developed these ideas about yourself, and they were a lie from the very start.

You are not misunderstood – you are unique.

You are not lonely – you are independent.

You are not unworthy – you are worthy beyond comprehension.

You are not unloved – you are lovable beyond comprehension.

Your external circumstances do not reflect your worthiness. If you had known this at the time, then you would not have suffered. You would have continued to play and be free, knowing that you are you, and that is enough.

And so, where do we go from here?

I ask you to lean on me, for I am here to carry you forward. You have been mistaken in thinking that you are in this alone.

The dream continues; it always will, for you have spent too much time contemplating it for it not to come into fruition. Nonetheless, it must no longer be your tether. A dream should never be sought for the purpose of proving your worthiness.

And it is time to let go now. Let go of the sadness, the loneliness and the need for validation. The dialogue now must be:

‘I am enough, I am lovable, I am free. I accept myself, just as I am. All of this is inherent in me.
I got there; I am already here. I never needed to look any further than myself.
I have absolutely nothing to prove. I dream because I love to dream, and I live life purely for the joy it gives me. I live for myself, and nobody else.’

It is okay to let go, I give you permission. Fall and trust that I will catch you, for you’ll find that when you look back, I have in fact always been there.

We’ve got this, I promise.

With love from your future self.