Resilience is not something you’re born with, it’s what eventuates when you make a decision to persevere.
There are ideas out there about resilience and the way it ties in with willpower that I believe are limiting and misconstrued. These ideas make resilience out to be a somewhat intangible quality, something that you either have or don’t have– which extends to the claim that willpower is genetic. The truth about resilience is that we each innately bare it and have the potential to develop it, and whilst there may be things that prevent us from embracing this quality, it’s much more tangible than I think some believe…
Why resilience?
Resilience is a revered quality due to it’s connection with success. When we believe we don’t possess resilience, or claim that our willpower is poor, we will also believe that this makes us unable to succeed in life. This is why I think it’s worth discussing.
Resilience is perseverance
This post is influenced by conversations had with my partner surrounding willpower. We were discussing exercise. I’ve been a regular runner since I was about 15 years old, and my partner Alex is beginning a new fitness journey that she finds challenging. Whilst listening to Alex talk about her doubts relevant to whether she can stick it out, I had a small epiphany.
“I don’t find running easy,” I said. “I find it difficult every time I run. I wasn’t born able to run 5K with ease, I just persevere. Perseverance is the only difference between you and me.”
My realisation was that Alex possessed some kind of idea around fitness that you either have it or you don’t. I think many (self-proclaimed) “non-athletic” people possess this idea, and this is why fitness is such a great example of resilience. I tend to think that if you’re going to set a goal, fitness is a great one to begin with because it is tangible. Everyone can reach a fitness goal, irrelevant of disability or physical condition, because the body is so adaptable. The only thing stopping you is your mind. (I’ll get onto that in a sec.) The truth here is this: athletic people aren’t necessarily ‘born with it’, they develop their ability through consistent effort; through perseverance, which is literally just a desire to keep going.
Resilience is NOT something you’re “just born with”
Societally, I think we like to believe that we are genetically fated because it gives us an out. As proven via scientists such as cell biologist Dr Bruce Lipton, however, we are not as genetically determined as some might have you believe. Genetic outcomes (the activation of certain genes) are determined by our subconscious environment and the beliefs we hold. (You can find out more about Dr Bruce Lipton and his work here: https://www.brucelipton.com/books/biology-of-belief/ ) There’s much I could speak about on the subject, but for the sake of this article, it all boils down to this: we each have the potential to develop resilience. It is a learned quality drawn from our innate ability as humans to adapt.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche
Resilience is gained organically through every experience that we choose to move beyond. You’re stronger than you think. You have greater willpower than you might believe. What, then, gets in the way?
The only thing stopping you from being resilient is your mind
Belief is the only thing stopping you from realising your resilience. Those who claim they have poor willpower usually hold beliefs about themselves such as I’m weak, I don’t have what it takes, I’m pathetic, etc, which in essence means that they don’t believe themselves worthy enough to succeed.
Going back to the example of my partner Alex, the difference between us is in the beliefs we hold about our physical resilience. I have been running a long time, and have developed faith in my physical capacities, which enables me to persevere under physical strain. Alex, on the other hand, has developed a belief that her body is fragile and susceptible to ‘breaking down’ under pressure, causing her to shy away from perseverance with exercise.
The only other thing stopping you is whether or not you truly give a f#$*
It’s hard to have the will to do something that you don’t actually care about. This is where you need to get honest with yourself in deciphering what your values are, and what you truly want.
Let’s say you love eating biscuits, and your partner says “you really need to stop eating biscuits because they aren’t good for you.” You agree so as to please them, but you’re not really on board with the idea, because you love biscuits and don’t see the problem with eating them. It’s going to be really difficult to resist biscuits, because it’s not what you want!
Or, to return to the exercise example: Perhaps you start running because you see other people doing it and you’ve heard it’s the best way to get fit, but you get really bored and find it difficult to persevere. Maybe the problem isn’t you, but running. You might find yoga is more your jam, or swimming, or team sports. If you love something, perseverance will come easily.
When we are unable to differentiate what we truly care about and what we feel we should be doing, we tend to get stuck in patterns of procrastination and frustration, where we berate ourselves for having “no willpower.” Perhaps the problem isn’t that you have no willpower; perhaps the problem is that you don’t really give a f#$* about that thing. (If you do think you give a f#$* but are still struggling to persevere, return to the point above about belief.)
In summary, willpower is not something you’re just born with; something some possess and others don’t. The truth about resilience is that we each innately bare it, and it’s developed via perseverance. Perseverance is a choice, which is made easy when we have positive belief in our abilities, and are pursuing activities or vocations that we give a f#$* about.