The power in letting go of who you think you should be

A personal experiment in surrendering to the flow of life.

‘Let go of what you think you need, and what you really need will show up’

–Gabrielle Bernstein

This is my biggest experience as of late: Letting go of who I think I should be in order to allow space for who I could be. There is so much relief and liberation in this experience. It’s not complete, yet I’m finding it such a valuable (and universal) lesson that I want to share what I make of it so far.

Hypothesis:

1. Life works better when you surrender control and go with the flow.

2. When you let go of your expectations of who you think you should be and what your life should be like, you open yourself up to greater happiness and abundance than you could ever otherwise create for yourself.

Why the decision to let go?

Honestly, I was exhausted. I was tired of chasing and hustling to be a version of myself that I once decided I needed to be in order to be happy.

I’ve never been able to sit still. I’m always working on something; toward something, whether that’s a better body, fame, status, wealth. Different facets, but all driven by the same unconscious need: Be better, rise above, prove yourself.

It’s great to have a dream – but, become too attached to it and you sabotage your own happiness at the expense of always living for a future you can never guarantee. Goals inspire action – yet become too attached to the achievement of your goals and you risk perpetual feelings of inadequacy. The dilemma? Chasing a vision so hard that you forget to experience the life that is happening for you in this very moment. And, if your vision is skewed (like mine was) you deny yourself in the process. My intentions were not pure, but tainted by an idea that I needed to prove my worthiness and earn my love.

‘If you can’t join them, beat them.’ This had been my mantra since schoolgirl days, decided upon as a solution to endless days of suffering at my inability to belong. For me, worthiness and love sat on a pedestal alongside my one-day Academy Award, high above the heads of all those who never seemed to see me. I’ve been on a never-ending mission to reach that pedestal, believing that without it, I’m love-less and worthless.

I got tired – tired of failing, and sick of being denied love and happiness. My happiness was always pending, and after a while, the angst of waiting and of being denied grinds you down.

Furthermore, the more awareness I gained about my subconscious motivations, the harder it became to ignore them. All it took was for me to reach an eventual tipping point, whereby my craving for happiness outweighed my need for validation.

Most of us live in this way, (hustling for happiness and worthiness that we believe exists outside of ourselves). For me, comprehending how I was living in this way was one thing, whilst having the courage to surrender is another.

Surrendering who you think you should be

It takes courage to give up your own expectations of who you think you should be, for it’s frightening to consider the consequences. Who will I become? You’re wrangling the unknowns. What will become of me? We fear that if we stop running and fighting, the very things that we are running from will catch up to us and envelope us, defining us in new ways (a failure, a loser, a nobody, unlovable, etc.).

For me, I was so fed up that I figured I had nothing to lose. I realised that I wasn’t necessarily becoming more lovable and worthy amidst all my efforts, hence, what was the point in knocking on the same door day after day?

‘Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’

–Albert Einstein

There’s something else too: I know by now that searching for love and validation outside of oneself is never the answer. I know that my efforts to prove myself were bunk, for how true were the beliefs about my lovability (or perceived lack thereof) in the first place? Probably not true at all. I came to comprehend that I had spent years chasing something that didn’t need to be chased.

‘I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they ever dreamed of so they would know that’s not the answer.’

–Jim Carey

A lesson in faith

There is a certain liberation in uncertainty when you choose to embrace it rather than fear it. New Covid restrictions in Sydney aided my decision to let go. With nowhere to go and no way of knowing when certainty would return, I was able to lean into the uncertainty more easily.

Practical steps I’ve taken as I let go

1. I’ve given up on things that I have come to realise I don’t really want

This has included a long list of projects and endeavours that I came to see I felt more burdened by than inspired by. Once erased from my schedule, this left me with very little to do. But for the occasional bout of anxiety, my cluttered schedule is not missed, for I’ve shed projects that I’ve come to see were never meant for me in the first instance – at least not at this time.

2. I’ve prioritised solid self-care practices to help me tune into my intuition

This currently includes a daily practice of yoga, journalling, meditation and exercise, and helps me stay connected to the subtle inner guidance that leads me towards my true path at this time.

3. I am practicing following my joy

I’m asking myself regularly: What do I find fun? What brings me pleasure? Joy begets joy, and so I figure – if I want to manifest true happiness and abundance, I must first seek out the things that bring me joy.

4. I’m handing my dreams over to the universe

I can no longer carry the burden of trying to control my future. As such, I’m handing it over to a higher power, whilst choosing to trust that my inner being will guide me toward my highest good.

Conclusion:

Expectations carry a lot of weight, and the lightness I feel from having released the shackles is the most noticeable difference so far. My anxiety has reduced, and I feel a greater sense of peace and freedom. This is a process nonetheless, and the night is young.

‘Whatever will be will be’

–Aaliyah