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SARAH MOON

Tag: connection

Mental health: breaking the stigma

Practical things we can do as individuals to help break the stigma around mental health and look out for ourselves and one another.

 

In light of R U OK day  on the 8th September, I thought I’d return to the subject that initially kickstarted this blog back in 2019: mental health.

Whilst headway has been made to broaden the resources available to those suffering mental ill-health, there still remains a lot of stigma around the subject in the way of shame, isolation (not knowing who to talk to), denial and misinformation. It can be difficult to know what to do; both when we are experiencing poor mental health and need support, and when we are concerned for somebody else. In this post, I want to break this down to look at what practical things we can do as individuals to help break the stigma and look out for ourselves and one another.

1. We all experience mental ill-health

Firstly, here are some statistics to give you an idea of how common mental ill-health is:

According to an annual report done by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) for the year 2020-2021:

  • Over two in five Australians aged 16-85 years (43.7% or 8.6 million people) had experienced a mental disorder at some time in their life
  • One in five (21.4% or 4.2 million people) had a 12-month mental disorder

These statistics say a lot about the commonality of mental ill health in our society– but it’s also worth noting that the statistics are likely higher. As ABS says, “A mental illness can be defined as ‘a clinically diagnosable disorder.’”[1]https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/mental-health/national-study-mental-health-and-wellbeing/2020-21  It can be assumed, therefore, that those who agreed to having had a mental disorder in this instance were likely diagnosed by a professional. This excludes those who temporarily experienced poor mental health, but who wouldn’t have defined themselves as having had a ‘disorder.’ The reality is, all of us experience depressive episodes, stress and anxiety from time to time. It’s a part of our human make-up; we are born with a full spectrum of emotions. This is why we need to break the stigma, because if it’s normal for us to experience mental ill-health, then we needn’t feel ashamed.

2. What stops us from asking for help?

According to ABS, over two in five admit to having experienced a mental disorder at some point in their life. Consider, then, that if you’re amidst a group of five friends or colleagues, etc, at least two of you could be experiencing poor mental health at that point in time. The question becomes: are we talking about it?– or are we suffering in silence? If we are suffering in silence, then what is it that stops us from asking for help?

Shame.

As humans, one of our greatest needs is to belong. We therefore fear anything that we think will jeopardise our ability to belong, and we tuck it away, ashamed. This includes mental health. Because poor mental health isn’t yet normalised in society, we will commonly believe that if our mental health isn’t good, that makes us abnormal. When we experience depression, anxiety etcetera, we may therefore assume we are the only one who feels this way, and this belief isolates us.

Looking at the way our society is structured, it’s no wonder we are afraid to talk about our mental health. All you have to do is look at social media to observe the facade we live in: Filters, smiles; we showcase the best bits of life. Nobody posts a photo of themselves crying and holed up in bed because they feel so depressed they can’t get up that day. Imagine if we did, however? Perhaps more of us would be willing to reveal those shadowy aspects of ourselves; the parts we fear make us unworthy of belonging?

Belonging extends to a fear of being rejected. It’s one thing to be judged for having poor mental health (for being weak, weird, etc), but what if that leads to loss? What if we lose friends, our partner, or our job? What if nobody wants to work with us anymore? This is a valid fear– but only because of the stigma! In a society that is able to acknowledge the normality of poor mental health, we needn’t have to fear rejection. We needn’t have to feel ashamed.

3. What stops us from asking others if they are okay?

There are a couple of reasons we don’t ask others whether they are okay when we feel concerned for them:

The first is that we may fear being presumptuous. It can feel just as vulnerable reaching out to somebody to ask if they are okay as it is to ask for help. We may fear being laughed at or told off. Again, we don’t want to be rejected.

We may feel we do not know the individual well enough. Say they are a colleague, we may fear being nosey or inappropriate, or we may assume that they already have the support they need.

We may not know what to say.

Finally– and I think this is the main reason– we don’t want to have to bare the brunt of another person’s problems. We may fear that if we ask somebody if they are okay, they will unleash upon us all of their problems, which we won’t feel equipped to handle. Nobody likes to feel burdened, and it can be confronting to feel responsible for another’s wellbeing. However, asking somebody if they are okay doesn’t mean you need to provide the solution. I’ll speak more on this in the next section.

4. What does it actually mean to talk about our mental health?

Talking about our mental health begins with courage. It takes courage to be honest, and to face any fears we may have about being rejected, judged or misunderstood– knowing, that on the other side of fear lives liberation. If fear drives us apart, then vulnerability brings us closer. It is uncomfortable to reveal our vulnerabilities, (to talk about our mental health) but just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean we should avoid it.

As thought leader Brene’ Brown said in an interview with Forbes on human connection[2]https://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2017/09/12/brene-brown-why-human-connection-will-bring-us-closer-together/?sh=3fcee9bb2f06 :

“We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations… share pain, and be more curious than defensive.”

– Brene Brown.

The bottom line is: for the sake of our collective wellbeing, we’re just going to have to start having the hard conversations.

-For those in need of help:

Know that help will always be given to those who ask. (I think I’m quoting Albus Dumbledore here, but don’t let that trump the validity of the statement!)

If you are suffering from poor mental health, then this begins with having the courage to reach out to others. If you don’t feel able to speak with a friend, family member or neighbour, then there are other options. You can speak to your GP or a psychologist. In Australia, there are free services that we can utilise if money is an issue, and I will link some of these below. For anonymity, there are text services that will allow you to speak to someone instantly, which may provide a temporary solution (also linked below.)

There is always a solution, even if there doesn’t seem to be one in the moment. Also, there will always be somebody willing to listen.

-For those wanting to help:

If you are concerned about somebody, please have the courage to reach out, despite your hesitations. Sometimes, checking in with somebody is enough to let them know that they aren’t alone– and for those who struggle to ask for help, it can make all the difference.

As I mentioned in point 3, we oftentimes fear the responsibility that comes with asking somebody if they need help. Know that you do not need to provide a solution. Breaking the stigma begins with asking: are you okay? If the individual says “no”, then the next thing you can do is ask whether they have support. If you feel comfortable being that support, and wish to ask the individual if they’d like to talk, then that’s one option. However, it is perfectly valid if you need to enforce personal boundaries. A gentler solution here is to ask the individual if they would like help connecting with support, whether that be a service, a partner, family member, a manager, or a professional.

5. We all experience mental ill-health

Yes, I’ve already said it, but I want to wrap up this post by saying it again because I think normalising mental health is the first step to breaking the stigma.

We all experience mental health. I believe it can be misleading to categorise mental ill-health by calling it an illness, or disorder. This implies that there is abnormality. In some extreme cases, it may be useful to define the symptomatology for treatment purposes, but otherwise, it helps to think of mental health as a spectrum, like the image below:

mental health spectrum

As humans, we have the full spectrum of emotions available to us, meaning it is inevitable that our individual place on that spectrum will change depending on our environment, experiences, connection to resources, etc. Let’s normalise that.

 

I hope that you’ve found this post useful. Mental health is a huge topic, and I’ve tried to cover as much basis as possible relevant to stigma and my ideas about practical action steps we can take as individuals. Nonetheless, if you feel there is something missing, please feel free to comment below or reach out to me with your thoughts.

—–

Here are a list of resources for mental health support:

  • Lifeline (crisis support service, Australia): 13 11 14
  • Lifeline anonymous text service (Australia): https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ / 0477 13 11 14
  • Lifeline chat (online chat service, USA only): https://988lifeline.org/chat/

A more comprehensive list of international services can be found here: https://www.helpguide.org/find-help.htm

–Photo by Finn on Unsplash

References
References
↑1 https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/mental-health/national-study-mental-health-and-wellbeing/2020-21
↑2 https://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2017/09/12/brene-brown-why-human-connection-will-bring-us-closer-together/?sh=3fcee9bb2f06

How to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. This post focuses on how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

 

Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed with sadness in response to the events happening in the world?
At times, I feel the pain and fear so intensely that I could lay down for days and weep.

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. Some people proclaim that the state of things is worsening, but it isn’t. No matter what decade you live in, there is war, murder, repression, bigotry and cruelty…

Despite my heavy tone, this post isn’t designed to make you despair. My aim is to cultivate the opposite: hope. Life hurts at times. That’s a fact. What I want to focus on, however, is how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

Here’s what I think helps:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

As energetic Beings, we are intricately connected on a deeper level; therefore, it’s natural for us to feel emotions that are not entirely our own. We share this earth, and there is a deeper understanding that what happens to one, happens to all. When shit happens, we hurt on behalf of the whole. We grieve for a way of life that contradicts the equality, peace and belonging most of us crave.

It’s okay to feel. Feelings are to be felt. Have a cry every now and then if you need, and take whatever time you need to process your feelings.

2. Limit your intake of news and media

For years now, I’ve made a deliberate effort to limit my consumption of news and media. Some consider it important to remain “up to date” with current affairs– yet I tend to believe that if it does more harm than good, it’s best to keep a distance. This isn’t ignorance, it’s boundaries. There’s only so much we can care about without compensating our emotional well-being. If it hurts to think about it, then disengage.

One reason it hurts is because we feel powerless. There are many things we can’t control, but one thing we can control is how we respond. The emotions we feel are a direct result of the thoughts we think, which all depends on what we choose to pay attention to. Shifting your attention away from the black hole that is bad news and media is a means of regaining control.

3. Understand that you can’t fight fire with fire

Again, we are energetic Beings and we live in an energetic universe. Where attention goes, energy flows. The way to fight war is not with war (rage, protest, angst, etc), as that only adds heat to the flame. The way to “fight” war is by contributing energy to the opposite cause: peace.

I could lay down for days and weep… But is it ultimately worth it? Does it help in any way? Or does it only contribute to the suffering that already exists?

Whenever we hurt, there exists two truths within us: an acknowledgement of what we don’t want, and a knowing of what our preference is.
If you feel a lot of pain as a result of world events, it’s because you care and you want things to be different. The anguish you feel highlights the love you have toward humanity, nature and the world at large. It highlights your desire for more peace, or more happiness. If you didn’t care, you’d feel indifferent.

When you feel the burden of the worlds pain, therefore; acknowledge the hurt, but choose to lean into your preferences. Lean into love, peace and joy. (Where attention goes, energy flows.) Take your partner on a date and focus on love; go for a walk in nature and immerse yourself in tranquility; watch a funny movie and embrace delight for a while… Take any other action that feels necessary. This is how you fight fire; by doing the opposite, and putting out that which you want more of.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
–Mahatma Gandhi

4. Know you aren’t alone

Life can be really challenging, scary and devastating– but doesn’t it help to know that we are all in this together? Whilst I’ve mentioned that it doesn’t do to dwell, it does help to talk about difficult things when the load becomes too much. Hardship and negativity drive us apart, but when we band together, we have the potential to become stronger and remember who we are.

 

Ultimately, it’s all about choice. We live in both heaven and hell, and I believe that there is just as much potential for love and joy in this world as there is fear and suffering. It depends on what you want to focus on: the hurt, or the potential. Every conflict creates the opportunity for us to know ourselves in a way that is more loving or powerful than we might otherwise have known.

“Life hurts at times. It hurts to have a body at times, hurts to be born, hurts to live, hurts to die, but it can be ecstasy beyond comprehension. You can know that ecstasy. It is inside of you.”
–Frederick Lenz

5 healthy ways to engage with social media

Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your needs and is consumed in moderation. Here are 5 suggestions to help you to engage with social media in a healthy way.

 

Following a one year hiatus, I have recently returned to Instagram.

This time last year, I put a halt to social media altogether, all-too aware of the anxiety I was feeling as a result. Like many, I’ve been prone to using social media in my search for validation, and any perceived messages of rejection as a result of too few ‘thumbs up!’ had me crawling under the doona with my hands over my eyes. I felt humiliated and low all too often, and I do not regret giving it the flick; it was the right thing for me at the time.

Returning to social media, therefore, has been a very careful choice, and a decision that I have not made lightly. I deliberated over the pros and cons, and eventually decided that it’d do me good to re-engage, for social anxiety does not simply dissipate by using a technique of avoidance. I decided to confront my social anxiety, and I aim to do so with self-love and discipline. I can already see the contrast in the way I am using social media now as opposed to a year ago, and that hindsight has lead me to see that social media doesn’t have to be detrimental to my mental health. I just have to decide how I’m going to use it.

Here are five things I suggest considering when looking to engage in social media in a healthy way:

1. Ask why

Why use social media? Is it to connect with family and friends who live in a different city to you? Is it to stay connected with family and friends who live in the same city? Is it to market your business, or brand, or yourself? Are you an artist? Do you love to cook and want to share your home cooking ideas? The reasons could be endless… Ask anyone, however, and you’ll get a positively-stated reply. Not many people would admit, for instance, that they feel lonely and use social media for those little dopamine hits that feed them with perceptions of popularity. Herein lies the power of the mind: it works as a duality. We think we mean one thing, but we actually mean another:
‘I just want to stay connected with my friends’, says your conscious mind, ignoring the scoff of that other voice in the darkness.
‘Nah you don’t’, says the subconscious mind, ‘you fear you’ll miss out if you’re not online. We’re insecure, remember? Will your friends really value you if you don’t post that selfie of you and your cat? Do it! You need the likes and comments. I promise it’ll make you feel better…’

Most people have some ulterior motive going on in terms of the reason they use social media, whether they are aware of it or not. It’s important to consider what it might be for you. This isn’t to make you feel bad, or guilty, or whatever… It’s to ensure you’re not encouraging negative habits of thought. By engaging in social media to ensure you feel better, or more loved, valued, etc, you only strengthen the opposing thoughts underneath.
If you want to connect, or market yourself, then great, but ensure you’re not doing so to satisfy those niggling thoughts that say you’re not good enough.

2. Define your purpose

I had to step away from Instagram for some time before I felt sure that I could engage in a way that didn’t tend to my negative self beliefs. The first thing I did (after identifying why social media was making me feel bad, of course) was re-define my approach. The thing that brought it together for me was the concept that social media could be a means of service to others. All these years, I had been making it about me. I was using it to gage my worthiness, a measuring stick to prove whether I was, in fact, as insignificant as I believed deep down that I was.

I came to realise (with a little help from a friend) that this didn’t have to be about me. Just because I wanted to share my ideas, didn’t mean that I had to make it so personal. ‘Take validation out of the equation’, she said. And I realised that she was right.

I decided that it could be about sharing, about truly connecting to others. It could be about spreading positivity and hope and joy. None of these things have anything to do with my worthiness as an individual, for how I feel about myself is actually a very personal thing. That relationship should stay between me, and me. I don’t need to share a selfie to feel lovable. I should be able to look in the mirror and just see it for myself.

Take your power back. Nobody else has the right to determine who you are and what you are about; that is for you to decide.

3. Don’t spread yourself thin

Quality over quantity, my friend. Imagine a spoonful of peanut butter. Would it be better if it were spread over one slice of bread or five? Using one spoonful of peanut butter to cover five slice’s of bread is what I’d call spreading yourself thin. Respect your time and energy by setting yourself boundaries. I mean this in reference to:

a) The social media outlet(s) that you choose to use:

Personally, I find it overwhelming to think I should be on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter AND LinkedIn… Not to mention Snapchat and TikTok and God knows what else. I decided, therefore, to invest my time and energy in just one for the time-being. I released any pressures of expectation, or social pressures as to ‘what is the next big thing?’ If I learned anything from my hiatus from social media, it’s that FOMO wasn’t actually a thing. My life wasn’t compromised because I wasn’t engaging in the latest on TikTok. If anything, I appreciated just how much more time I had to focus on other things, many of which bought be greater joy and satisfaction.

If you believe in quality over quantity, then sometimes it can be better to put all of your eggs in the one basket. I decided to simply start with Instagram, for it was the one that inspired me the most. If you care about utilising your energy, then I’d recommend being selective. Not all of them are worth your time.

b) The amount of time you spend on social media:

It’s all too easy to pick up your phone and have a cheeky scroll. Our phones are basically an extension of our arm in this day and age, so checking your notifications can come as naturally as scratching your nose. It didn’t take me long to re-engage with this old habit when I returned to the world of Instagram. I found myself making up for old stalking time, which subsequently invited negative thought patterns back into town. Once I realised this, I got disciplined. I was determined not to let myself re-engage with old habits. I decided to set myself a couple of rules, the first of which was to dedicate a specific time of the day to social media usage. In that way, I can ensure I am engaging with social media more purposefully, whilst respecting the healthy habits I adopted for my idle time whilst in my hiatus.

4. Filter

And no, I don’t just mean your pics.

One thing that has massively helped for me is being selective with who I follow. I didn’t want my news feed to trigger anxiety or depression anymore. I want my news feed to inspire me, and encourage me in positive ways. The great thing about most social media platforms is that we have that choice: we can decide what we do and don’t want to see. If that means you don’t follow some of your friends, then so be it. Or perhaps you can consider unfollowing Kim Kardashin? We all love a bit of celebrity gossip, but at the end of the day, does it make you feel good or bad?

5. Get real

Make sure social media isn’t the only means you have for engaging with people. To build meaningful relationships, it is important to be able to connect in real life.

One of my main concerns when I decided to leave social media was that I’d lose touch with friends. But then I realised: what kind of friends would my friends be if they stopped talking to me just because I’m not on Facebook? I decided to trust that the true friends in my life would pick up the phone and call, or send me a text, or find some other way to reach out. This ended up being the case.

As I have already mentioned, FOMO didn’t end up being a thing. Anything that was of value to me, I found out about. I maintained a social life, and I was still involved in the things that mattered. Anything or anyone that didn’t make it to me mustn’t have been necessary, for I trust that they would have found a way.

Authenticity is the key here. We all know that social media can be fake.

 

In summary, have awareness and be true to yourself. Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your (body’s) needs and is consumed in moderation.

 

A letter to my younger self

All the things I’d say to my younger self, given the chance. 

 

To you,
Young, vulnerable you.

I may be a little late in doing so, but there are some things I wish to tell you. I speak from the future, because it is only with hindsight that clarity is truly achieved. I speak from that part of you that is whole and all-knowing, who loves you unconditionally and desires the very best for you.

I see you. I see your heartache and your longings. I see your sadness and the disappointment. I see that you have an innate ability to be free– but that as you grew up in this world, your ability to act on this freedom became more restrained. This isn’t your fault; this is simply the way of the world. We are meant to lose our way, for it is in this contrast that we come to strengthen our knowing of who we are.

I see that you doubted your value. I see that you were lonely. You longed for validation, love and appreciation, for somebody to affirm how special you are. You didn’t receive this– at least not in the way that you desired. It fractured your heart, which was created to be whole. You looked at the others, thinking “why can’t I belong with them?” You felt that you were different, out of place and misunderstood. “What do I need to do” you thought, “to be more like them? To feel that I belong? To feel that I am wanted?”

I want to let you know, little one, that it was simply not your time just yet. It was a time for contrast, and a time of observation. You suffered, but it all played out the way it did for a reason. I know this doesn’t help you, or cause the loneliness to cease…

I want to reach out to you now, to let you know that you are not alone. You were never alone– you were simply isolated by the sadness and a lack of ability to know.

Truly, it is through contrast that the best gifts come forth. Should I have been able to reach into your mind then, I would have reassured you of this. I would have held your hand and spoken words of comfort. I would have made you laugh and promised you that everything would be okay. Everything will be okay, I’m telling you so now.

Throughout these times of sadness, you developed a tendency to dream. A part of you knew of your value, because you projected it into your future. “When I get there” you said, “then they will see me. I will belong, I will be loved, I will be free.” This dream became your tether of hope, for without it, you struggled to see a life worth living.

There are two things I want to tell you here:

Firstly, you did not need to suffer to bear this dream. It has lived within you despite your circumstances.

Secondly, the dream is separate from your suffering; your desire to be loved, seen and heard. All these years, it has seemed that they are the same thing. Your beliefs about your unworthiness are buried into the roots of your dream. These painful beliefs exist for you so long as your dream is unfulfilled.

It does not have to be this way, because your unworthiness is not an actuality. The sadness and the loneliness– it exists and it is valid, but only because of your doubts. You developed these ideas about yourself, and they were a lie from the start.

You are not misunderstood– you are unique.

You are not lonely– you are independent.

You are not unworthy– you are worthy beyond comprehension.

You are not unloved– you are lovable beyond comprehension.

Your external circumstances do not reflect your worthiness. If you had known this at the time, then you would not have suffered. You would have continued to play and be free, knowing that you are you, and that is enough.

And so, where do we go from here?

I ask you to lean on me, for I am here to carry you forward. You have been mistaken in thinking that you are in this alone.

The dream continues; it always will, for you have spent too much time contemplating it for it not to come into fruition. Nonetheless, it must no longer be your tether. A dream should never be sought for the purpose of proving your worthiness.

And it is time to let go now. Let go of the sadness, the loneliness and the need for validation. The dialogue now must be:

“I am enough, I am lovable, I am free. I accept myself, just as I am. All of this is inherent in me.
I got there; I am already here. I never needed to look any further than myself.
I have absolutely nothing to prove. I dream because I love to dream, and I live life purely for the joy it gives me. I live for myself, and nobody else.”

It is okay to let go, I give you permission. Fall and trust that I will catch you, for you’ll find that when you look back, I have in fact always been there.

We’ve got this, I promise.

With love from your future self.

You don’t know how loved you are

A personal story. A reflection on being seen, and trusting that you are more loved and valued than you could ever possibly know.

 

I recognised her when I saw her– though I had never actually met her. I recognised her as one of my own.

We were on holiday. In an attempt to lift us both from the pits of suffering we were cowering in, my partner carefully selected a teashop in the mountains to take us to. This, we hoped, would help shift the clouds of anxiety and depression that were plaguing us. It had become apparent that our holiday wasn’t for relaxation, but was more so an opportunity to catch up with ourselves. Our minds had gone slightly haywire once given the time and space, and the processing weighed heavy.

She- the one I recognised- was running the cafe alone. She was big-boned and tattooed with cropped hair and a heavy expression. She scared me at first. She looked as though she might bite if provoked, and so I hung back, observing from a distance.

Based on appearances alone, I assumed she was gay. I put my arms around my girlfriend in the hope that she would soften, seeing that we were like her. We were “her people” (as Hannah Gadsby says…)

My attempts to reach her worked, somewhat, in that she smiled and asked how our drinks were when she bought us the scone we’d ordered. Looking down, I noticed a couple of thick scars on her arms. Here was evidence of something deeper stirring within her. Once she’d walked away I looked down at my own arm, still bandaged from a recent attack that I had had by my own hand. At that moment I remembered that she was hidden beneath the sharpness of her shell. The hard expression and strong physique were suddenly less offensive. I saw the sadness and vulnerability; a lost soul in desperate need of a fucking big hug.

It’s difficult to describe this next part, but I’ll give it a go:

As I watched her, seeing into her soul, I was struck with a sudden clarity. I could see how loved she was. I could see how worthy and perfect she was– regardless of the efforts she had made to (over time) construct a self that both physically and behaviorally repels others. I no longer bought into it. I could see how powerful she was. And free, as a creative Being that could be, have, or do anything. All at the same time, I could see how oblivious she was to what I was seeing. She likely couldn’t see or feel it at all.

You might think I’m a bit creepy by this point, but I persevere–

I wanted to leave her a note. I wanted to write her a little something on a piece of paper, saying something like this:

‘I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength. Thank you for still being here. I love you. You are more loved and valued than you could possibly ever know.’

I guess the creep factor caught up with me at this point, because I never left a note.

It did leave me thinking, however. Seeing what I saw in her– I wish I could see that in myself. I’m sure others look at me and see the same thing: how loved and perfect and worthy I am, just as I am.

This has stayed with me for some weeks. I’m finding it increasingly easy to look at others and see their wholeness. I suppose I’m looking at them through the eyes of Source.

[Source= God, a higher power, creative life force… Whatever you chose to call it.]

What I’m working on now, is to turn it back on myself; to look at myself through the eyes of Source. For if I can do that, it might just help to save me in this lifetime. I am sure I am more loved than I could ever possibly know.