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SARAH MOON

Category: Personal

5 things I wish I’d known 10 years ago

Here, I’ve complied a list as I reflect on the woman I’ve become over the past decade.

 

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. It allows us to re-frame our past experiences and make better decisions going forward. When we have the courage to truly witness and learn from our experiences, room is made for growth, and a clearer path into the future is paved…

I’m approaching 30, so just for funzies, I’ve complied a list as I reflect on the woman I’ve become over the past decade:

5 Things I Wish I’d Known 10 Years Ago

1. Don’t work too hard

I took life so seriously as a 20 year old! I was continually hustling and worrying, denying myself fun and rest as I desperately worked toward my desired career, trying to figure it all out. What I didn’t realise is that life is a marathon, not a race. It’s a matter of steady progress and right timing, where ease and fun aid you, not inhibit you.

If I could go back, I would travel more, party more and worry way less about the future… And the same can be applied now! The purpose of life is joy. It’s not worth hustling, over-working and making sacrifices for the sake of some greater good (whether that be money, notoriety, career progression, respect…) Chill the eff out, and enjoy your life while you’re in it.

2. There’s no shame in being single

I used to feel a lot of shame around being single– and I’m conscious that this comes from a societal pressure. We are made to believe that being single is a bad thing. If you’re single for too long, something must be wrong with you; you must be lonely, unfulfilled. There can also be a lot of anxiety, (what if I never find someone?)

Honestly, it’s better to be single than to be in a relationship with the wrong person– or to be in a relationship for the wrong reason, such as to cure your loneliness. Relationships are hard work, and half the time, they ain’t all they’re cracked up to be.

The most important relationship we have is with ourselves, so the connection between you and you should be king.

If I could go back, I’d tell 20 year old me: Focus on yourself. There’s no shame in being single, and you don’t need anybody else to make you complete. The right relationships will come at the right time, and you will be ready for them when they do.

3. You don’t need to prove yourself to anybody

I’m only just wrapping my head around this one– yet it really is a relief to stop seeking others approval.

Previously, I have lived my life in accordance with what I believe others expected from me. I have done things or sought things in order to be validated, and to prove myself worthy; and when I’ve fallen short, I’ve suffered a lot, deeming myself a failure.

I’ve purposefully shifted away from this, because it only leads to anxiety and encourages low self-esteem. Ultimately, it’s a waste of time and energy, because you could never please everyone anyway. People’s expectations are too specific, and too diverse.

Live life for you; for your satisfaction only. I’ve learned that when you shift your mindset in this way, you open yourself up to a world of freedom and possibility. What others think of you is not your business, so do your best to let it go. It just isn’t worth it.

4. You’re not as weird as you think you are

We all have things about ourselves that we believe make us strange and unacceptable, whether it’s the way we think, the way we talk, specific defining experiences we’ve had or personality traits.

I used to feel so isolated as a result of this. My body image and disordered eating habits, my sexuality, my poor mental health… All of these things made me feel freakish. I would hide my problems and insecurities from others, which only caused me to feel more ostracised.

In actuality, it really would have benefited me to reach out and know I’m not alone; because we never are.

The truth is, we are all a little wacky, so we don’t need to harbour so much shame around it.

Thankfully, the world we live in today is a lot more open-minded. Our differences are embraced a whole lot more than they were just 10 years ago. I am therefore not to blame for my hesitations in being truly seen. None of us are. Society hasn’t always deemed it okay… Yet I know now that authenticity leads to personal freedom and vulnerability leads to a greater sense of connection with others. More of us need to let our freak flag fly, because it gives others permission to do the same, and we are all happier when we feel able to be ourselves.

5. It gets easier

As the years go by, you become wiser, and life becomes easier because you better understand how to navigate it.

Who you are and what you know today is going to be different to who you are what you know in a years time. Life is ever changing– and I wish I’d known this when I was younger. I felt so fated and trapped by my present reality, not know how drastically it could change.

If I could go back, I’d tell myself: Relax. Things will work out for you. Over time, you will acquire the resources you need to live a good life, so trust that you will find your way.

 

We’re always growing and adjusting, and it’s encouraging to look back and see how far you’ve come…
So I’m keen to hear: what do you know now that you wish you’ve known 10 years ago? Share your lessons in the comments.

 

Image: 20 year old me, 2012.

The power in letting go of who you think you should be

A personal experiment in surrendering to the flow of life.

 

“Let go of what you think you need, and what you really need will show up”

–Gabrielle Bernstein

This is my biggest experience as of late: letting go of who I think I should be in order to allow space for who I could be. There is so much relief and liberation in this experience. It’s not complete, yet I’m finding it such a valuable (and universal) lesson that I want to share what I make of it so far.

Hypothesis:

1. Life works better when you surrender control and go with the flow.

2. When you let go of your expectations of who you think you should be and what your life should be like, you open yourself up to greater happiness and abundance than you could ever otherwise create for yourself.

Why the decision to let go?

Honestly, I was exhausted. I was tired of chasing and hustling to be a version of myself that I once decided I needed to be in order to be happy.

I’ve never been able to sit still. I’m always working on something; toward something, whether that’s a better body, fame, status, wealth. Different facets, but all driven by the same unconscious need: be better, rise above. Prove yourself.

It’s great to have a dream– but, become too attached to it and you sabotage your own happiness at the expense of always living for a future you can never guarantee. Goals inspire action– yet, become too attached to the achievement of your goals and you risk perpetual feelings of inadequacy. The dilemma? Chasing a vision so hard that you forget to experience the life that is happening for you in this very moment. And, if your vision is skewed (like mine was) you deny yourself in the process. My intentions were not pure, but tainted by an idea that I needed to prove my worthiness and earn my love.

“If you can’t join them- beat them.” This had been my mantra since schoolgirl days, decided upon as a solution to endless days of suffering at my inability to belong. For me, worthiness and love sat on a pedestal alongside my one-day Academy Award, high above the heads of all those who never seemed to see me. I’ve been on a never-ending mission to reach that pedestal, believing that without it, I’m love-less and worthless.

I got tired– tired of failing, and sick of being denied love and happiness. My happiness was always pending, and after a while, the angst of waiting and of being denied grinds you down.

Furthermore, the more awareness I gained about my subconscious motivations, the harder it became to ignore them. All it took was for me to reach an eventual tipping point, whereby my craving for happiness outweighed my need for validation.

Most of us live in this way (hustling for happiness and worthiness that we believe exists outside of ourselves.) For me, comprehending how I was living in this way was one thing, whilst having the courage to surrender is another.

Surrendering who you think you should be

It takes courage to give up your own expectations of who you think you should be, for it’s frightening to consider the consequences. Who will I become? You’re wrangling the unknowns. What will become of me? We fear that if we stop running and fighting, the very things that we are running from will catch up to us and envelope us, defining us in new ways (a failure, a loser, a nobody, unlovable, etc.)

For me, I was so fed up that I figured I had nothing to lose. I realised that I wasn’t necessarily becoming more lovable and worthy amidst all my efforts, hence, what was the point in knocking on the same door day after day?

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

–Albert Einstein

There’s something else too: I know by now that searching for love and validation outside of oneself is never the answer. I know that my efforts to prove myself were bunk, for how true were the beliefs about my lovability (or perceived lack thereof) in the first place? Probably not true at all. I came to comprehend that I had spent years chasing something that didn’t need to be chased.

“I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they ever dreamed of so they would know that’s not the answer.”

–Jim Carey

A lesson in faith

There is a certain liberation in uncertainty when you choose to embrace it rather than fear it. New Covid restrictions in Sydney aided my decision to let go. With nowhere to go and no way of knowing when certainty would return, I was able to lean into the uncertainty more easily.

Practical steps I’ve taken as I let go

1. I’ve given up on things that I have come to realise I don’t really want.

This has included a long list of projects and endeavours that I came to see I felt more burdened by than inspired by. Once erased from my schedule, this left me with very little to do. But for the occasional bout of anxiety, my cluttered schedule is not missed, for I’ve shed projects that I’ve come to see were never meant for me in the first instance– at least not at this time.

2. I’ve prioritised solid self-care practices to help me tune into my intuition.

This currently includes a daily practice of yoga, journalling, meditation and exercise, and helps me stay connected to the subtle inner guidance that leads me towards my true path at this time.

3. I am practicing following my joy.

I’m asking myself regularly: what do I find fun? What brings me pleasure? Joy begets joy, and so I figure: if I want to manifest true happiness and abundance, I must first seek out the things that bring me joy.

4. I’m handing my dreams over to the universe.

I can no longer carry the burden of trying to control my future. As such, I’m handing it over to a higher power, whilst choosing to trust that my inner being will guide me toward my highest good.

Conclusion:

Expectations carry a lot of weight, and the lightness I feel from having released the shackles is the most noticeable difference so far. My anxiety has reduced, and I feel a greater sense of peace and freedom. This is a process nonetheless, and the night is young.

“Whatever will be will be”

–Aaliyah

 

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

When the pressure of expectations get too much

An exploration of the limitations felt by the pressure of internal and external expectations.

 

I desire freedom more than anything else. I want to break free.

Yet– what is this feeling? This restlessness, angst, irritation. I get angry easily and I throw things. I cry at the drop of a hat. I wish to scream, to tear out my hair and to scratch at my skin. I do not wish to hurt myself, I only want to release this hurricane inside.

This must be the way a bird feels, trapped in a cage. The wings won’t stop– they long for the space that signals their freedom. The energy of their suppressed flight is dense and all-consuming. There is no outlet, only an impression of squishing and tightening in an effort to squash the tendency those wings have to expand. That unused energy is suffocating for it cannot be restrained. It can only be re-consumed in an effort to send it back to where it came from. That in itself could very well be the end of you.

If I were a bird in a cage, then my wings are either especially large (expansive) or built to encourage a very fast flight. The trapped energy that I feel has speed to it. I struggle to settle my mind, which runs at a hundred miles a minute. This could perhaps be the speed of a very, very fast vehicle taking me to faraway places of adventure, whilst my physical body remains here, sedentary. Stuck.

I want to be free! Well… innately, I am free. Therefore, I must want to break free. I am Freddie Mercury, seeking to live a life that is well beyond my current state of reality. I wish to break that cage, smash it to pieces, and burst forth loudly in a flourish of light, speed and excellence. I wish to feel overwhelmingly alive. I wish to feel free.

I’m tired of being who everyone wants me to be.
Actually, I’m tired of being who I think I want me to be. I’m so sick of trying to fit the various moulds or personas that I’ve carried in my mind all these years. ‘If I’m like this, then this person will love me… This person likes it if I’m like this… This other person will reject me if I don’t act like this.’ Lord Jesus, fuck off! These expectations are not fun anymore. I choose now to be like Gandalf, and I say “you shall not pass.”

When my mind is quiet and my soul is allowed to speak, it tells quite a different story. My soul doesn’t have expectations, it has only desires. These desires are gentle and suggestive. They do not demand action and they do not threaten to strip me of my worth if I choose not to pursue them. These desires (or longings) are for my happiness only; they are the very epitome of ‘follow your joy.’ They are not to satisfy my perception of others needs and wants in relation to Sarah Moon and who Sarah Moon must be.

All of these ideas of who I must be to be successful, to be loved and to belong… They have slowly been killing me. I care too greatly, and if I don’t stop now, then I fear it will be my undoing. It already undoes me, in the quieter times, when I am still and silent and can feel the consequences of the way in which I have been choosing to conduct myself. Everything is for the others, for their validation and love. Do they know that they are meant to be validating me? Probably not.

This energy that has been brewing (this spreading of wings) is a call for surrender. I open my mouth and a voice erupts, loud and clear. I scream, gesturing wildly to the heavens:

‘I have had enough! I do not want to do this any more. I want it to be simple, I want it to be fun, I want to be free! Let me go. Let me go, now, so that I can be who I have always actually wanted to be. This is not who I am. I do not want to be this anymore. It is making me deeply unhappy.’

As it releases, all goes quiet. A subtle sense of emptiness and a hint of inspiration remain. Above all, there is relief. God, could it be that I can actually live life just for myself? I do not have to live it for anybody else?

There is a catch. I have spent so many years leaning in to those perceptions of who I need to be, that any ideas of who I could otherwise be are vague. I need to get to know myself. I need to greet myself like an old friend, and catch up on all the happenings of the past 20 years or so. Who are you? Who am I? Who could I be? Who could I be… that is the preferable question, for really, the possibilities are endless. By choosing to live by one set of standards, we limit our potential. There are so many different paths we could take. I could be anyone.

I wish to lean in another direction, and that is towards a self that only I can truly know. I don’t want to be all the other things anymore. The actress, the black sheep, the dark, mystifying artist. The good girl, the easy-going girl, the girl who aims to be as neutral as possible so as not to upset others. The girl who is strong, the girl who is independent, the girl who is uneffected by anything. The one who is needy, the one who is lost, the one who doesn’t know who she is and what she wants. The one who hides, she is the one I despise the most, and she hides behind all of these things. She hides for fear of upsetting the human race with her presence. She tells herself, ‘it’s okay, they don’t have to know who I truly am, for one day they will and I can be free.’ This is a lie, and an act of cruelty inflicted upon myself.

The suppression will kill me quicker than an observing crowd. For here’s the secret: the observing crowd (the rest of you out there) probably won’t care about me nearly as much as I think you will. I deprive myself more than I will likely upset any one of you, and I am sick of being starved.

I just want to be me, and for that to be enough.

 

A letter to my younger self

All the things I’d say to my younger self, given the chance. 

 

To you,
Young, vulnerable you.

I may be a little late in doing so, but there are some things I wish to tell you. I speak from the future, because it is only with hindsight that clarity is truly achieved. I speak from that part of you that is whole and all-knowing, who loves you unconditionally and desires the very best for you.

I see you. I see your heartache and your longings. I see your sadness and the disappointment. I see that you have an innate ability to be free– but that as you grew up in this world, your ability to act on this freedom became more restrained. This isn’t your fault; this is simply the way of the world. We are meant to lose our way, for it is in this contrast that we come to strengthen our knowing of who we are.

I see that you doubted your value. I see that you were lonely. You longed for validation, love and appreciation, for somebody to affirm how special you are. You didn’t receive this– at least not in the way that you desired. It fractured your heart, which was created to be whole. You looked at the others, thinking “why can’t I belong with them?” You felt that you were different, out of place and misunderstood. “What do I need to do” you thought, “to be more like them? To feel that I belong? To feel that I am wanted?”

I want to let you know, little one, that it was simply not your time just yet. It was a time for contrast, and a time of observation. You suffered, but it all played out the way it did for a reason. I know this doesn’t help you, or cause the loneliness to cease…

I want to reach out to you now, to let you know that you are not alone. You were never alone– you were simply isolated by the sadness and a lack of ability to know.

Truly, it is through contrast that the best gifts come forth. Should I have been able to reach into your mind then, I would have reassured you of this. I would have held your hand and spoken words of comfort. I would have made you laugh and promised you that everything would be okay. Everything will be okay, I’m telling you so now.

Throughout these times of sadness, you developed a tendency to dream. A part of you knew of your value, because you projected it into your future. “When I get there” you said, “then they will see me. I will belong, I will be loved, I will be free.” This dream became your tether of hope, for without it, you struggled to see a life worth living.

There are two things I want to tell you here:

Firstly, you did not need to suffer to bear this dream. It has lived within you despite your circumstances.

Secondly, the dream is separate from your suffering; your desire to be loved, seen and heard. All these years, it has seemed that they are the same thing. Your beliefs about your unworthiness are buried into the roots of your dream. These painful beliefs exist for you so long as your dream is unfulfilled.

It does not have to be this way, because your unworthiness is not an actuality. The sadness and the loneliness– it exists and it is valid, but only because of your doubts. You developed these ideas about yourself, and they were a lie from the start.

You are not misunderstood– you are unique.

You are not lonely– you are independent.

You are not unworthy– you are worthy beyond comprehension.

You are not unloved– you are lovable beyond comprehension.

Your external circumstances do not reflect your worthiness. If you had known this at the time, then you would not have suffered. You would have continued to play and be free, knowing that you are you, and that is enough.

And so, where do we go from here?

I ask you to lean on me, for I am here to carry you forward. You have been mistaken in thinking that you are in this alone.

The dream continues; it always will, for you have spent too much time contemplating it for it not to come into fruition. Nonetheless, it must no longer be your tether. A dream should never be sought for the purpose of proving your worthiness.

And it is time to let go now. Let go of the sadness, the loneliness and the need for validation. The dialogue now must be:

“I am enough, I am lovable, I am free. I accept myself, just as I am. All of this is inherent in me.
I got there; I am already here. I never needed to look any further than myself.
I have absolutely nothing to prove. I dream because I love to dream, and I live life purely for the joy it gives me. I live for myself, and nobody else.”

It is okay to let go, I give you permission. Fall and trust that I will catch you, for you’ll find that when you look back, I have in fact always been there.

We’ve got this, I promise.

With love from your future self.

Recognising when you’ve given your power away

A reflection on the consequences of allowing my power to reside in the hands of another.

 

I have recently had the experience of coming back to myself.

I came to develop a relationship in my life in which it became evident over time that I was giving my power away to the other person in this relationship. I was weakened, made vulnerable and completely helpless to myself. This was a complete power play, in which I had swiftly become the loser.

It’s difficult to describe what I mean without going into detail–

I refer to a relationship; a relationship that was evidently more personal than it ever was professional, and professional it was supposed to be. To save on breaching conduct, I’ll expose the happenings through a metaphorical story juxtaposed to my situation.

A young girl desires love from her guardian. Orphaned as a child, she was rejected during a vulnerable time when her consciousness was still developing and she was absorbent, like a sponge. Through her abandonment, she became aware of the lack of getting what she wanted. She became aware of her deprivation and insecurity. The desire for love, nurturing and security grew stronger. Meanwhile, obstacles to her getting this love multiplied, narrowing her scope of belief in the likelihood of her ever receiving it.

One day, she meets a man. This man is kind to her. He listens to her and gives her a platform to feel heard. He validates her experiences and endorses her sense of worth every time that they meet. Being that her desire is so strong by this point and (concurrently) the depths of her feelings of deprivation for having a lack of it for so long, she becomes addicted to what he is giving her.

At first she is wary, but over time, she lets herself trust the love that the man is giving her. She opens and opens- yet at the same time, her addiction grows. She begins to suffer when she is not with him. She cries because she is made aware of the emptiness that she had become accustomed to prior to their meeting.

The contrast between the two is huge. She becomes dependent on him. Yet as she begins to need him, he starts to pull away. It is subtle at first, and bearable. Yet eventually, being deprived of his love only deepens her suffering. She cannot find another way to access it without him.

He eventually makes it clear to her that he cannot be the one to nurture and love her. Well, this is what he says, but his encouraging actions still speak of the opposite. He cannot help but enjoy being needed…

Through her desperation to ensure this new found love and life doesn’t come to an end, the girl breaks down boundaries in an effort to draw him back. She begins to take risks, each more dangerous than the last; compensating her safety and sanity just to get a taste of his love.

Now, as with all stories of change, there comes a breaking point:

The girls life is on the line. She toys with the idea of murder by her own hand; contemplates the notion of death as an out to her suffering. She has become so addicted to this man that she cannot remember how she lived before him? She is sure that there must be a future for her, but the pain of losing the love that she craved for so long feels unbearable. She would prefer to die than return to the emptiness.

On a particularly vulnerable Friday, she finds herself in the hospital Emergency Room. She had almost let life slip from her hands.

She should have left him now, but she couldn’t. She needed to know: did he mind that she could have died? Would it make him hold her closer?
He shows her care and concern, and she deduces that there is still hope.

The following week she goes to see him. He pulls her close, but not close enough. He leaves her hanging the following day, ignoring her calls and turning to face away. It is at this point that she feels she needs him the most. Her chest has been ripped open and she had trusted him to cotton wool the holes. She lay and bled in his absence, completely defeated and in despair.

By this point, however, the message was clear: she had basically passed him the sword. He held her life in his hands, and she had relinquished all control. The time had come to take her power back.

The decision came from a place deep within. She responded before the idea had completely formed in her mind.
“It is time for me to move on. This no longer serves.”
She preached her decision loud and clear.

At first she felt a surge of relief, combined with an injection of re-empowerment.

What followed were some of the darkest days. Cut off from the source, she had to detox. She grieved and was angry and longed to go back to him. Yet something within her stopped her well before she was at risk of reaching out. She had come to see that her time with him had an expiry date. It would no longer be possible for her fill herself with his love. Her sore heart could not be healed by another. Rather, she needed to learn to love herself.

She could comprehend it, but it was terrifying. She was at rock bottom and choosing to surrender to the dark. Would she be able to survive it? Yet with the help of that inner voice, she stuck firm to her decision and took heavy, courageous steps in an effort to piece herself back together.

Just days after it all went down, I found myself able to breathe once more. I resurfaced from the ocean, fresh and fiery and ready to fight. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for my strength to come back, and I attribute this to the solidity of my decision. Something powerful happens energetically when you make a definite and genuine decision to change. (This is opposed to sitting on the fence.)

I feel that this power play is a lesson that I have grappled with constantly over the years: I choose to let my power reside in others hands, when there is so much power within me. I deprive myself of love and joy and freedom by their hand. I wait for their permission or their validation. It’s a ridiculous way to live, really (all judgement removed.) For when I am empowered, and I turn inward for my source of validation and love, it is endless and infinitely more accessible.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

– Carl Gustav Jung

You don’t know how loved you are

A personal story. A reflection on being seen, and trusting that you are more loved and valued than you could ever possibly know.

 

I recognised her when I saw her– though I had never actually met her. I recognised her as one of my own.

We were on holiday. In an attempt to lift us both from the pits of suffering we were cowering in, my partner carefully selected a teashop in the mountains to take us to. This, we hoped, would help shift the clouds of anxiety and depression that were plaguing us. It had become apparent that our holiday wasn’t for relaxation, but was more so an opportunity to catch up with ourselves. Our minds had gone slightly haywire once given the time and space, and the processing weighed heavy.

She- the one I recognised- was running the cafe alone. She was big-boned and tattooed with cropped hair and a heavy expression. She scared me at first. She looked as though she might bite if provoked, and so I hung back, observing from a distance.

Based on appearances alone, I assumed she was gay. I put my arms around my girlfriend in the hope that she would soften, seeing that we were like her. We were “her people” (as Hannah Gadsby says…)

My attempts to reach her worked, somewhat, in that she smiled and asked how our drinks were when she bought us the scone we’d ordered. Looking down, I noticed a couple of thick scars on her arms. Here was evidence of something deeper stirring within her. Once she’d walked away I looked down at my own arm, still bandaged from a recent attack that I had had by my own hand. At that moment I remembered that she was hidden beneath the sharpness of her shell. The hard expression and strong physique were suddenly less offensive. I saw the sadness and vulnerability; a lost soul in desperate need of a fucking big hug.

It’s difficult to describe this next part, but I’ll give it a go:

As I watched her, seeing into her soul, I was struck with a sudden clarity. I could see how loved she was. I could see how worthy and perfect she was– regardless of the efforts she had made to (over time) construct a self that both physically and behaviorally repels others. I no longer bought into it. I could see how powerful she was. And free, as a creative Being that could be, have, or do anything. All at the same time, I could see how oblivious she was to what I was seeing. She likely couldn’t see or feel it at all.

You might think I’m a bit creepy by this point, but I persevere–

I wanted to leave her a note. I wanted to write her a little something on a piece of paper, saying something like this:

‘I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength. Thank you for still being here. I love you. You are more loved and valued than you could possibly ever know.’

I guess the creep factor caught up with me at this point, because I never left a note.

It did leave me thinking, however. Seeing what I saw in her– I wish I could see that in myself. I’m sure others look at me and see the same thing: how loved and perfect and worthy I am, just as I am.

This has stayed with me for some weeks. I’m finding it increasingly easy to look at others and see their wholeness. I suppose I’m looking at them through the eyes of Source.

[Source= God, a higher power, creative life force… Whatever you chose to call it.]

What I’m working on now, is to turn it back on myself; to look at myself through the eyes of Source. For if I can do that, it might just help to save me in this lifetime. I am sure I am more loved than I could ever possibly know.

13 reasons why I choose life over death

On a somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again …

 

Suicide prevention is difficult to get right.

I know because I’ve been suicidal, and I’ve been so recently.

I know enough about it all by now to have an awareness of the multitude of resources out there. I know of the strategies, suicide hotlines, crisis teams, therapists, friends… In this day and age it’s all at your fingertips really– everything that can keep you safe.

But having the ability to reach out when you’re at crisis point is another hurdle all together. I can have all the support in the world, but the decision ultimately resides with me. It’s between me, and me. Nobody else can live (or not live) my life. My life is my responsibility.

This is where suicide prevention reaches its limits. This is where the mind of one cannot be touched by another.

I hate saying this, because I hate hearing it. People want to be saved. I wish I could rely on somebody else to rescue me– but that just isn’t the way it goes.

My belief is that I chose this life experience. I had an understanding of what I was in for before I was birthed. I even helped design it. Therefore, I was prepared for the challenges and potential this life held for me.

Sometime towards the end of 2018 I hit one of my crisis points. Mid-breakdown, I sat sobbing on the floor of the apartment my girlfriend and I share.
“I can’t do this! Who thought I could do this? Who’s fucking stupid idea was this?!”
My girlfriend turned calmly and coyly and said, “well… yours. If you believe what you say.”
I began to laugh amidst my hysterics, because I knew she was right.
When I hit crisis point (which is code for my “I can’t do this anymore!” moments, by the way) the way up begins with me remembering that this story began and ends with me. I cannot be victim to this life experience.

And so, on this somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. I actually googled “why not suicide?” to try and find some valid reasons for myself yesterday. I found very little but for the aforementioned resources (numbers to call, chat groups.). And please don’t get me wrong– the resources out there are extremely valid, and I’m extremely grateful for the increase in awareness and support we now have for mental health. However, I was looking for something a little more specific. Evidence or good reason for life, I suppose. Hope and fresh insight. A means of connecting with others who were in the same position as me, knowing (because it’s often said) that: I am not alone. Considering my search didn’t bring the answer forward, I turned once again to me, and I thought up the reasons myself.

So without further ado, here’s my 13 reasons why. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again:

1. I’ve got all of forever to be dead

Life fucking hurts sometimes and the idea of death brings a sense of relief. Unless you believe you’re going to hell.
So what, then, is the point of living if I can experience pure, eternal love and peace by choosing to re-emerge into non-physical?
Well, if I believe I’m eternal then I’ve got all the time in the world to experience good feelings later. My humanity, I can only experience now. Suffering is a very temporary and very specifically human thing to experience. To me, resurfacing from pain can feel like resurfacing after a wave crashes over your head. It can make me feel more intensely alive and satisfied at living a life fully; knowing what it’s truly like to live as a human-fucking-being. I might as well make the most of it while I’ve got the opportunity.

2. FOMO

Fear of missing out.
We are at the forefront of expansion here on planet earth. Being here and contributing (whether we think we are worthy of our existence or not) is worthwhile. These are ‘happening’ times where humanity is moving at a rapid pace. Believe it or not, this is the best things have ever been; it’s a great time to be alive. I want to see what happens. I want to be a part of it.

3. I’m meant to be here

I’m here for a reason, and when it’s my time to go I believe I’ll go naturally. I’m of value, and so it is my obligation to myself and others that I be here to see things out.

4. I have shit to do

(Relating to the above) I have stuff I want to do. I have things I want to create, changes I want to instigate, dreams to fulfil… And I am the only one capable of doing the shit that I need to get done. My unique perspectives and ideas cannot be accessed by another at this point in time.

5. I don’t want all the work I’ve done to be for nothing

It would be a shame for me to be lost. I have worked fucking hard to get to this point and I’ve created a multifaceted, intelligent, purposeful being.

6. I’ll miss my friends and family

I imagine it like a mass funeral, saying goodbye to everything and everyone that I love so so much; burying the lot. Once it’s gone, I can’t have it back. The concept of it breaks my heart. I do not want to say goodbye.

7. My friends and family will miss me

I may think I’m invisible sometimes; that I don’t have an impact. Yet I know that I am loved, even if I don’t feel it. I must have an impact, even if I don’t believe it. And I don’t want to hurt anybody. It is my intention to improve lives, not wreck them.
When one is suicidal, it’s really hard to consider others. People say, “they are so selfish. They don’t consider what they are doing to the people they leave behind.” But I understand. The pain is all consuming.
When I was in hospital after my first suicide attempt at 16, I had somebody say to me, “if you can’t live for yourself, please do it for me.”
I was lucky to have somebody say that. Not everybody has evidence such as these words to prove that they are valued.
If you believe that even one person benefits from your existence, it’s worth staying alive just for them.

8. My pet mice need me

I don’t have children… But being needed is valid. I chose to care for my little mice, and they rely on me to feed them and keep them safe.

9. My daughter needs me

I want to have a child. I believe my child is waiting to come into this world; pending until the right time. How will my daughter be able to be born if I’m not here to birth her?
(For the sake of the argument… my son would need me too. I just assume my first born will be a girl.)

10. I’ll miss the things I love

Life has the potential for so much joy. There are things I do on a daily basis that make me glad to be alive: music, driving, running, coffee, wine, laughing randomly with strangers or with friends. Make a list. These small things are beautiful, and they make it worth it.

11. I don’t want to have to come back and do it all over again because I was unable to learn my lessons this time around

I believe in re-incarnation. I believe that we have lessons to learn. I believe that if I bail early I’ll have to come back and do it all again in another life. It seems that I might as well keep plugging along now, considering I’ve made it this far already.

12. There is always tomorrow

… and tomorrow might be different.

13. I want to see my potential unfold

My curiosity gets the better of me. I have dreams, and I’m curious to know what my life could become. It could all fall to pieces. But I could also find a way to align with everything I’ve ever wanted.
I guess I’d rather die with regret than regret never having seen it to to the end.

 

End Note:
I understand that this article could be extremely confronting. Given that suicide is a topic I’ve become used to reflecting upon, I suppose I’ve become somewhat desensitised. I apologise if I’ve caused any distress.

Firstly, I want to reassure you that I am okay. I have faith in my journey and I have adequate support.

Secondly, please consider this a safe space if you share any of the same thoughts or feelings. You are not alone. Comment below; I would be keen to hear your thoughts about this topic. You can also reach out to me personally.
Alternatively, here is the number for Lifeline (Australia): 13 11 14
A list of international suicide hotlines can be found here>> http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
There are people out there who want to help.
I hear you and know your pain. You’ve got this.