mental health Archives

Mental health: breaking the stigma

Practical things we can do as individuals to help break the stigma around mental health and look out for ourselves and one another.

In light of R U OK day on the 8th September, I thought I’d return to the subject that initially kickstarted this blog back in 2019: mental health.

Whilst headway has been made to broaden the resources available to those suffering mental ill-health, there still remains a lot of stigma around the subject in the way of shame, isolation (not knowing who to talk to), denial and misinformation. It can be difficult to know what to do; both when we are experiencing poor mental health and need support, and when we are concerned for somebody else. In this post, I want to break this down to look at what practical things we can do as individuals to help break the stigma and look out for ourselves and one another.

1. We all experience mental ill-health

Firstly, here are some statistics to give you an idea of how common mental ill-health is:

According to an annual report done by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) for the year 2020-2021:

Over two in five Australians aged 16-85 years (43.7% or 8.6 million people) had experienced a mental disorder at some time in their life
One in five (21.4% or 4.2 million people) had a 12-month mental disorder

These statistics say a lot about the commonality of mental ill health in our society– but it’s also worth noting that the statistics are likely higher. As ABS says, “A mental illness can be defined as ‘a clinically diagnosable disorder.’”^[1]https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/mental-health/national-study-mental-health-and-wellbeing/2020-21 It can be assumed, therefore, that those who agreed to having had a mental disorder in this instance were likely diagnosed by a professional. This excludes those who temporarily experienced poor mental health, but who wouldn’t have defined themselves as having had a ‘disorder.’ The reality is, all of us experience depressive episodes, stress and anxiety from time to time. It’s a part of our human make-up; we are born with a full spectrum of emotions. This is why we need to break the stigma, because if it’s normal for us to experience mental ill-health, then we needn’t feel ashamed.

2. What stops us from asking for help?

According to ABS, over two in five admit to having experienced a mental disorder at some point in their life. Consider, then, that if you’re amidst a group of five friends or colleagues, etc, at least two of you could be experiencing poor mental health at that point in time. The question becomes: are we talking about it?– or are we suffering in silence? If we are suffering in silence, then what is it that stops us from asking for help?

Shame.

As humans, one of our greatest needs is to belong. We therefore fear anything that we think will jeopardise our ability to belong, and we tuck it away, ashamed. This includes mental health. Because poor mental health isn’t yet normalised in society, we will commonly believe that if our mental health isn’t good, that makes us abnormal. When we experience depression, anxiety etcetera, we may therefore assume we are the only one who feels this way, and this belief isolates us.

Looking at the way our society is structured, it’s no wonder we are afraid to talk about our mental health. All you have to do is look at social media to observe the facade we live in: Filters, smiles; we showcase the best bits of life. Nobody posts a photo of themselves crying and holed up in bed because they feel so depressed they can’t get up that day. Imagine if we did, however? Perhaps more of us would be willing to reveal those shadowy aspects of ourselves; the parts we fear make us unworthy of belonging?

Belonging extends to a fear of being rejected. It’s one thing to be judged for having poor mental health (for being weak, weird, etc), but what if that leads to loss? What if we lose friends, our partner, or our job? What if nobody wants to work with us anymore? This is a valid fear– but only because of the stigma! In a society that is able to acknowledge the normality of poor mental health, we needn’t have to fear rejection. We needn’t have to feel ashamed.

3. What stops us from asking others if they are okay?

There are a couple of reasons we don’t ask others whether they are okay when we feel concerned for them:

The first is that we may fear being presumptuous. It can feel just as vulnerable reaching out to somebody to ask if they are okay as it is to ask for help. We may fear being laughed at or told off. Again, we don’t want to be rejected.

We may feel we do not know the individual well enough. Say they are a colleague, we may fear being nosey or inappropriate, or we may assume that they already have the support they need.

We may not know what to say.

Finally– and I think this is the main reason– we don’t want to have to bare the brunt of another person’s problems. We may fear that if we ask somebody if they are okay, they will unleash upon us all of their problems, which we won’t feel equipped to handle. Nobody likes to feel burdened, and it can be confronting to feel responsible for another’s wellbeing. However, asking somebody if they are okay doesn’t mean you need to provide the solution. I’ll speak more on this in the next section.

4. What does it actually mean to talk about our mental health?

Talking about our mental health begins with courage. It takes courage to be honest, and to face any fears we may have about being rejected, judged or misunderstood– knowing, that on the other side of fear lives liberation. If fear drives us apart, then vulnerability brings us closer. It is uncomfortable to reveal our vulnerabilities, (to talk about our mental health) but just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean we should avoid it.

As thought leader Brene’ Brown said in an interview with Forbes on human connection^[2]https://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2017/09/12/brene-brown-why-human-connection-will-bring-us-closer-together/?sh=3fcee9bb2f06 :

“We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations… share pain, and be more curious than defensive.”

– Brene Brown.

The bottom line is: for the sake of our collective wellbeing, we’re just going to have to start having the hard conversations.

-For those in need of help:

Know that help will always be given to those who ask. (I think I’m quoting Albus Dumbledore here, but don’t let that trump the validity of the statement!)

If you are suffering from poor mental health, then this begins with having the courage to reach out to others. If you don’t feel able to speak with a friend, family member or neighbour, then there are other options. You can speak to your GP or a psychologist. In Australia, there are free services that we can utilise if money is an issue, and I will link some of these below. For anonymity, there are text services that will allow you to speak to someone instantly, which may provide a temporary solution (also linked below.)

There is always a solution, even if there doesn’t seem to be one in the moment. Also, there will always be somebody willing to listen.

-For those wanting to help:

If you are concerned about somebody, please have the courage to reach out, despite your hesitations. Sometimes, checking in with somebody is enough to let them know that they aren’t alone– and for those who struggle to ask for help, it can make all the difference.

As I mentioned in point 3, we oftentimes fear the responsibility that comes with asking somebody if they need help. Know that you do not need to provide a solution. Breaking the stigma begins with asking: are you okay? If the individual says “no”, then the next thing you can do is ask whether they have support. If you feel comfortable being that support, and wish to ask the individual if they’d like to talk, then that’s one option. However, it is perfectly valid if you need to enforce personal boundaries. A gentler solution here is to ask the individual if they would like help connecting with support, whether that be a service, a partner, family member, a manager, or a professional.

5. We all experience mental ill-health

Yes, I’ve already said it, but I want to wrap up this post by saying it again because I think normalising mental health is the first step to breaking the stigma.

We all experience mental health. I believe it can be misleading to categorise mental ill-health by calling it an illness, or disorder. This implies that there is abnormality. In some extreme cases, it may be useful to define the symptomatology for treatment purposes, but otherwise, it helps to think of mental health as a spectrum, like the image below:

As humans, we have the full spectrum of emotions available to us, meaning it is inevitable that our individual place on that spectrum will change depending on our environment, experiences, connection to resources, etc. Let’s normalise that.

I hope that you’ve found this post useful. Mental health is a huge topic, and I’ve tried to cover as much basis as possible relevant to stigma and my ideas about practical action steps we can take as individuals. Nonetheless, if you feel there is something missing, please feel free to comment below or reach out to me with your thoughts.

—–

Here are a list of resources for mental health support:

Lifeline (crisis support service, Australia): 13 11 14
Lifeline anonymous text service (Australia): https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-text/ / 0477 13 11 14
Lifeline chat (online chat service, USA only): https://988lifeline.org/chat/

A more comprehensive list of international services can be found here: https://www.helpguide.org/find-help.htm

–Photo by Finn on Unsplash

References[+]

References
↑1	https://www.abs.gov.au/statistics/health/mental-health/national-study-mental-health-and-wellbeing/2020-21
↑2	https://www.forbes.com/sites/danschawbel/2017/09/12/brene-brown-why-human-connection-will-bring-us-closer-together/?sh=3fcee9bb2f06

Acknowledging what’s going right

On celebrating how far you’ve come.

On the whole, we as people are pretty hopeless at looking for the positive. We are good at seeing what’s wrong, but not so good at acknowledging what’s going right.

Naturally, we are designed to always be wanting more; to be seeking improvement and expansion. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s how we’re hard-wired. Nonetheless, I believe there is balance to be found, and that is: appreciating where we’re at whilst we long for more.

I was reminded of this yesterday when, during a seminar, I was prompted with a question:

‘How would you grade yourself based on where you’re currently at?’

Initially, I gave myself a 5-7, figuring: I’m okay with where I’m at, but I’m also hankering after a few big changes. I shared this with my partner, who had the wisdom to say something along the lines of, “you know, I was going to give myself a low ranking, but then realised that I would have given myself a similar ranking this time last year. It’s not that I’m not getting anywhere though, it’s that the goalposts have moved.”

It made me realise that I’m probably selling myself short, because a lot has changed for me too… Yet, isn’t it easier to focus on our dissatisfactions than on any positive changes that might have taken place?

We’re always going to want more, that’s not going to change– but it’s also important to stop and take stock of where we’ve come from. It’s important to acknowledge what’s going right.

“Remember when you wanted what you currently have?”
–Unknown

When I think of where I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago, a lot has changed; I’ve even acquired some of the things I was wanting. It made me realise:

Where does the dissatisfaction end?

and;

Where does the appreciation, the pride, the contentedness and the sense of “I’ve made it” begin?

The way we’re hardwired, the appreciation and contentedness doesn’t begin– unless we consciously make space for it.

And so, I decided to make space for it, and I changed my grade to an 8.

Here’s the truth:

We’re always going to want more, but we’re never going to arrive at a final destination. It’s a continual journey, where we grow and adapt and shape-shift. Becoming or acquiring what we want is not the solution to our unhappiness. Rather, it’s choosing to see the good in the life we are presently living. There is always good to be found, and always growth and positive changes to be acknowledged.

Therefore, here’s an invitation for you:

Over the course of the day today, think back to where you were a year ago and ask yourself:

Where have I come from? What positive changes have taken place? What have I acquired, or who have I become, that is more than who I was then? What’s going right?

Then, celebrate it. Celebrate who you’ve become, with love for who you are becoming.

“The more your praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
– Oprah Winfrey

How to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. This post focuses on how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed with sadness in response to the events happening in the world?
At times, I feel the pain and fear so intensely that I could lay down for days and weep.

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. Some people proclaim that the state of things is worsening, but it isn’t. No matter what decade you live in, there is war, murder, repression, bigotry and cruelty…

Despite my heavy tone, this post isn’t designed to make you despair. My aim is to cultivate the opposite: hope. Life hurts at times. That’s a fact. What I want to focus on, however, is how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

Here’s what I think helps:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

As energetic Beings, we are intricately connected on a deeper level; therefore, it’s natural for us to feel emotions that are not entirely our own. We share this earth, and there is a deeper understanding that what happens to one, happens to all. When shit happens, we hurt on behalf of the whole. We grieve for a way of life that contradicts the equality, peace and belonging most of us crave.

It’s okay to feel. Feelings are to be felt. Have a cry every now and then if you need, and take whatever time you need to process your feelings.

2. Limit your intake of news and media

For years now, I’ve made a deliberate effort to limit my consumption of news and media. Some consider it important to remain “up to date” with current affairs– yet I tend to believe that if it does more harm than good, it’s best to keep a distance. This isn’t ignorance, it’s boundaries. There’s only so much we can care about without compensating our emotional well-being. If it hurts to think about it, then disengage.

One reason it hurts is because we feel powerless. There are many things we can’t control, but one thing we can control is how we respond. The emotions we feel are a direct result of the thoughts we think, which all depends on what we choose to pay attention to. Shifting your attention away from the black hole that is bad news and media is a means of regaining control.

3. Understand that you can’t fight fire with fire

Again, we are energetic Beings and we live in an energetic universe. Where attention goes, energy flows. The way to fight war is not with war (rage, protest, angst, etc), as that only adds heat to the flame. The way to “fight” war is by contributing energy to the opposite cause: peace.

I could lay down for days and weep… But is it ultimately worth it? Does it help in any way? Or does it only contribute to the suffering that already exists?

Whenever we hurt, there exists two truths within us: an acknowledgement of what we don’t want, and a knowing of what our preference is.
If you feel a lot of pain as a result of world events, it’s because you care and you want things to be different. The anguish you feel highlights the love you have toward humanity, nature and the world at large. It highlights your desire for more peace, or more happiness. If you didn’t care, you’d feel indifferent.

When you feel the burden of the worlds pain, therefore; acknowledge the hurt, but choose to lean into your preferences. Lean into love, peace and joy. (Where attention goes, energy flows.) Take your partner on a date and focus on love; go for a walk in nature and immerse yourself in tranquility; watch a funny movie and embrace delight for a while… Take any other action that feels necessary. This is how you fight fire; by doing the opposite, and putting out that which you want more of.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
–Mahatma Gandhi

4. Know you aren’t alone

Life can be really challenging, scary and devastating– but doesn’t it help to know that we are all in this together? Whilst I’ve mentioned that it doesn’t do to dwell, it does help to talk about difficult things when the load becomes too much. Hardship and negativity drive us apart, but when we band together, we have the potential to become stronger and remember who we are.

Ultimately, it’s all about choice. We live in both heaven and hell, and I believe that there is just as much potential for love and joy in this world as there is fear and suffering. It depends on what you want to focus on: the hurt, or the potential. Every conflict creates the opportunity for us to know ourselves in a way that is more loving or powerful than we might otherwise have known.

“Life hurts at times. It hurts to have a body at times, hurts to be born, hurts to live, hurts to die, but it can be ecstasy beyond comprehension. You can know that ecstasy. It is inside of you.”
–Frederick Lenz

Increasing happiness through presence

There is so much opportunity for joy throughout the day, but we diminish our ability to experience pleasure by denying the present moment.

I recently went on a short holiday to the country, just a couple of hours out of Sydney. Whenever I take a break, I find it usually takes a few days to adjust to the slower pace of things. This time more than usual, however, I was aware of the intolerance I have developed for presence.

An intolerance for presence

See, the pace of life has quickened a great deal. We are generally unaware of it because it has occurred gradually, and we are basically amidst it 24/7. Nonetheless, as a society, we have become busier and more stimulated than ever before, and this has had an effect on our attention span, our cortisol levels, our health, our relationships, our state of awareness, and our happiness.

When we are forced to slow down, it feels increasingly difficult. We find ourselves feeling frustrated and uncomfortable, restless and anxious.

Whilst on holiday, my partner and I stayed in a quiet little villa overlooking a small vineyard and a couple of ponds. The solitude was immense, and the opportunity for relaxation overwhelming. I would like to have enjoyed it more than I did– for in all reality, it was a little confronting. I found it difficult to simply sit and look at a beautiful view without picking up my phone or a book at the very least. The need to do and to distract from the present moment was at times overpowering, and it saddened me to think that I’d lost some of my ability to just be in the present moment.

Consumption addiction

I discovered a term the other day for the exact intolerance I have been experiencing, and it’s called ‘consumption addiction.’ It was described as “the addiction no one talks about” (@the.minimalistmethod), but yet it’s a silent killer, running rampant through society, sucking our souls and leaving us sick, drained and depressed. In essence, consumption addiction describes the need we have for continual stimulation; mindless activity that gives us temporary ‘pleasure’ (scrolling, eating, texting, watching Netflix, drinking, scrolling again, etc.)
Sound familiar?

Essentially, I look at it as an intolerance for presence, for if we aren’t perpetually engaged (stimulated, distracted) then what do we get? Being-ness. And when we just ‘Be’, we are confronted with our thoughts and feelings, and the very essence of who we are.

happiness and Presence

The issue I have with my intolerance for presence– and the reason I’m talking about it– is the affect it’s having on my ability to experience joy. I don’t experience as much joy as I should considering the opportunity for joy around me, and this bothers me. I’d like to feel happier, and truly relish in whatever beauty and abundance I can in my life. I want to enjoy life. Don’t you?

Happiness is a very misunderstood concept. We all want it, but we have a tendency to look for it in the wrong places. We look for it externally, via other people, the acquirement of material possessions or certain opportunities; and we place it in the future. We chase it. It is a faraway concept, one that we will reach eventually (once we overcome certain obstacles) or, never at all.

I’ve come to realise that happiness is, in fact, intimately tied in with our quality of presence.

Happiness is not something to be acquired or earned, but something to be re-discovered from within.
If you believe that happiness is your birthright, then consider that you have the ability to experience happiness regardless of the trajectory of your life.

It begins with presence.

How do we find presence?

We all have the ability to be present, for Being is our true nature. Therefore, it’s about gradually re-introducing the concept of Being, and building it as you would any habit: through consistent effort.

1. Make time daily to be present

Begin to introduce presence by being intentionally slow and mindful for at least part of your day. Sit on a park bench for 5 minutes, sit and have a cup of tea, go for a walk… and do just that thing.

2. Stop multi-tasking

We pride ourselves on multi-tasking, but really, it’s sensory overload and is the quickest way to raise your cortisol levels. Presence is about quality over quantity. It’s about relishing a moment rather than rushing to get to the next moment. Practice doing one thing at a time. When you go for a walk– go without your phone and actually take in your surroundings. When you eat dinner– turn the TV off and actually taste your food. There is so much opportunity for joy throughout the day, but we diminish our ability to experience pleasure by denying the present moment.

Presence is a practice, and one that’s well worth devoting yourself to. After all, what’s the point of life if we are so distracted that we’re hardly able to savour the life we’re living?

Happiness begins with the present moment.

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.”

–Eckhart Tolle

Working with resistance

There are days when you’re in flow, and there are days when everything feels like an effort. How can you approach days where you feel resistance?

There are days when you’re in flow, and there are days when everything feels like an effort. I refer to the latter as experiencing resistance. If you take this literally, it’s like you’re putting all your weight against a boulder that just won’t budge. Or, you’re trying to swim upstream, pushing against the current.

I can often feel resistance in my body. I feel tense, knotted in my chest, heavy in my legs and sometimes my belly.

Mentally, I feel drained and angsty and frustrated. Sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I want to hide.

Honestly, these are the days when you just feel heavy and crappy.

Days like these can be really tricky to navigate– especially when you have obligations or plans for that day. You can’t just go back to bed; you need to persevere with the days events to a certain degree. Nonetheless, you don’t have to suffer your way through the day.

So, how can you approach these days? How can you work with the resistance? (Because if you can’t go back to bed, you’ve got to work with it.)

It’s natural to try and push through the resistance; to persevere as if nothing is wrong. If you take the boulder metaphor, however, this will often cause you to feel worse. You’re going to want to back off to a certain degree. Swimming upstream never got anybody anywhere. You’ve got to find a way to go with the flow.

First and foremost, don’t ignore how you’re feeling.

If you’re feeling crappy, there’s a reason for it. You don’t necessarily need to dig deep into the reason, but something’s going on and it doesn’t help to deny it. Denying it is swimming upstream. Acknowledge that you are feeling off. Allow it to be what it is. Allow yourself to be what you are: mess, frustrations, bad hair, bloating and all.

Then:

Find out what you need.

Ask yourself: What do I need right now? What do I need today?

A need is likely not being met- hence why you feel crappy. You may not know what you need, so just find the next best thing.

It can be really simple. Sometimes, all you need is to sit for 10 minutes with a coffee. Or, you just need a really good laugh.

Maybe you need a break? Maybe you just need company; to meet up with a friend or family member and have a good chat and a giggle. To feel connected.

Maybe you need a rest? Perhaps it’s possible for you to lighten your schedule for that day or take the day off entirely.

When I feel like this, I often need to bring some fun into my day, or something that evokes the senses. On days like this, I have found myself:

grabbing coffee and sitting in the park
bribing myself with shorter work intervals and more frequent breaks
spontaneously driving up the coast to my favourite beach
texting a friend and meeting them for lunch
taking myself on a date to the movies (with a cheeky glass of wine at the wine bar prior)
lying on the bed listening to moody music
watching stand-up comedy or a rom-com
sharing a tub of Ben and Jerry’s with my partner

Whatever works. Whatever reinstalls (even if marginally) feelings of comfort, peace, joy, love and ease. Just find the next best thing, and navigate the day as best you can.

“Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.”

– Maya Angelou

When was the last time you took a sabbatical?

Most of us tear through life without really pausing to question whether we are living in a way that is aligned with our values. This is why it’s important to slow down every now and then.

When was the last time you took a sabbatical?

We live in a society that values busyness and hard work, where too much rest can be deemed lazy or indulgent. We also live in a society that is over-worked, where disease and stress have been increasing– despite advances in contemporary medicine set to decrease these statistics. Why? Because we work too hard, and don’t take enough time to rest and care for our individual needs.

This year, I’ve been working on incorporating more down time into my schedule.

My decision to do this came as a result of my realising that hard work and over-productivity was making me deeply unhappy. I began experiencing regular burnout, prolonged feelings of stress and overwhelm and semi-regular migraines, prompting me to sit down and ask myself a couple of honest questions:

Am I actually happy?

Am I working toward something worthwhile, something I want?

Or, am I simply working for the sake of working?

Most of us tear through life without really pausing to question whether we are living in a way that is aligned with our values. This is why it’s important to slow down every now and then, to get still and reflect upon the life you are living. A car going 100km/ph cannot change tack at that speed. It needs to ease momentum in order to turn or change direction. Only when we pause can we truly re calibrate and redirect our compass if desired.

Enter the sabbatical.

Sabbatical’s are extended periods of rest– typically from work, but, as I see it, from life in general (from all expectations and obligations.) You could get away for a couple of weeks, or you could stay at home. Then, allow yourself to let go of everything and truly rest and recover from the hustle and bustle of your daily routine.

I typically take a sabbatical around the New Year, to recover from and reflect upon the year that’s been. I like to give myself 2 weeks+ if possible, for I find that it usually takes at least the first week to be able to really relax into a state of rest. Once I’m truly rested, I find that something magical tends to happen… My inspiration comes back! A newfound sense of clarity is reborn, and I have a clearer idea of where I’m at and what I’d like to work on moving forward. I take the time to refine my ideas and set some goals. By the time my sabbatical is coming to an end, I am usually chomping at the bit to get going, reinvigorated and excited about my life. This is how life should feel– and this is the beauty of deep rest.

I find sabbaticals so enriching that I am beginning to work them in more than once a year, just for a couple of days. This isn’t a period of deep rest so much as a purposeful chance to pause, reflect and re calibrate where necessary; to check in with myself and ensure I’m on the track I want to be on.

When you’re used to leading a busy life, it can seem impossible to take a sabbatical. You may be concerned about your work commitments, or the fact that it’s impossible to get away from your family, particularly if there are kids involved. If you feel such obligations, you’re likely in even greater need of a sabbatical! Just do what you can, and remember: your needs are just as important as anybody else’s.

“We would do well to slow down a little, focus on the significant, and truly see the things that matter most.”

– Dieter F. Uchtdorf

When was the last time you took a sabbatical?

How to stop over-thinking

Why over-think and how to stop it.

Over-thinking.

I’m struggling HEAPS with over-thinking this week, so I thought I’d transfer my over-thinking here and break it down. Let’s over-think over-thinking together.

Why over-think?

1. Fear of the unknown

Where overthinking is a means of trying to maintain a sense of control by thinking through all possible outcomes.

2. Fear of failure, or perfectionism

Stalling on taking action by running around and around in circles, chipping at an idea in order to refine it. We think: if I keep refining it, I’ll significantly reduce my chances of failure.

Anxiety is the predominant feeling attached to over-thinking.

The outcome of overthinking is usually: a slowing down of events. You stall future circumstances by taking an extra long time to consider all possibilities.

Ways to overcome over-thinking:

1. Recognise that control is an illusion

We are NEVER in control. We just think that we should be, or that we can be if we work hard enough to handle all the various elements of our life.

2. Know that you can’t solve anything by attempting to think your way out of it

When you’re hitting a wall, thinking about it will only amplify the resistance you’re feeling. You’ve got to walk away from the wall.

If you’re overthinking, you’re in a resistant state of mind. You’re swimming upstream. You’re banging your head against a wall. Turn and head in the other direction. Practically, this means: take a walk, meditate, listen to music… Whatever it takes to switch focus and get off the subject. By taking your attention off of the thing you’re over-thinking, you allow the dust to settle…

This post is a short one, because over-thinking really shouldn’t be overthought. Whilst useful to understand, the idea is that it should not be dealt with cognitively. So drop from your head back into your body, and feel your way away from your thoughts.

How to stop comparing yourself to others

Comparison to others is natural and serves a purpose, but it can also get the better of us. How do we better deal with comparison when it takes over?

I find comparison to others be a constant battle. (The prompt for this post was a need to nut out my own anxieties around the subject.)

Wouldn’t the road of life be easier if there was no competition?

I quite like the idea of being alone in the world, with no one beside me to size myself up against. Without the pressure of another’s existence, I can imagine that I would be quite content to do, be and have whatever I please, for there would be no measure but my own internal guidance system. There would be no time pressures and no fear of failure, because the time I took and the mistakes I made would be relevant only to myself.

When we compare ourselves to others, we are assessing the similarities or dissimilarities between us and them. Comparison is a natural thing to do, for we humans are all about belonging, and comparison contributes to our need to assess where we fit in with the rest of the tribe (society.) My theory then, is that comparison is directly linked with a fear of not belonging.

What if we could have both? What if we could be sure of our place in this world (belonging) whilst also maintaining the impression of living only for ourselves?

Comparison serves a purpose, which I believe you can harness to work for you rather than against you. To clarify, therefore, this post isn’t necessarily about stopping comparison for good, but rather, about adjusting your relationship to comparison so that it causes less harm.

Everything in life is a matter of perspective. In pursuit of greater empowerment, freedom, joy and authenticity for myself and my readers, I desire to crack open the topic of comparison. Here are my 5 tips to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Positive emotion is your compass

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

–Theodore Roosevelt

Basically, it makes you feel crap when you compare yourself to others, and this is because it takes you out of alignment with yourself.

Imagine that you are encompassed by a vortex of energy. Another mental image for this could be a tornado. Encompassed by this rapidly rotating whirlwind of energy is all that you are; your unique standpoint. Your individual dreams, desires and needs; your tendency to love and be joyful; your ecstasy and abundance. Abraham Hicks calls this your “vortex of creation.” I liken it to your individual ‘God’ energy, or Higher Self. This is who you truly are.

Our emotions serve as a guide, where the better we feel, the more aligned we are with our Higher Power. Positive emotion, therefore, is your compass.

When you step outside of your unique vortex of creation, you often feel bad.

When I compare myself to others, I feel worthlessness, despair and doubt. These emotions are at the lower end of the emotional scale, indicating that I am not vibrating at the frequency of my all-loving authentic self, where all is always well.

When you turn to another for guidance in the form of comparison, the suffering you feel is real. I think of it as your Higher Self looking down on you, like, “excuse me! Over here. Y’all are looking in the wrong direction!”

2. Those that you envy are your expanders

When you envy somebody, it is because you recognise that they have something that you desire. If you didn’t desire it, you wouldn’t feel envy. This is because the opposite of genuine desire (love) is indifference. The fact that you have desire regarding something is evidence that that thing already exists in your vortex* of creation.

*To clarify, the vortex of creation is the “place” where everything that you desire to bring forth into your reality is realised in it’s vibrational form.

Here’s where you can shift your perspective. Rather than envy somebody for the thing that they have that you want, recognise this as evidence that your desire already exists as a vibrational reality. This is all a matter of mindset.

When we feel envious, we are experiencing resistance to our desire. We feel envy because negative self-beliefs have been triggered. We therefore feel negative emotion rather than positive emotion when we think about the thing that we desire. If the negative self-beliefs weren’t there, then our desires would be accompanied by emotions of excitement and positive expectation.

There is a lesson, therefore, in those that you envy, and this is why I call them your expanders.

The bottom line?

Think of comparison as a potential for growth rather than evidence of your failure.

3. In comparing yourself to others, you deny yourself

It sounds cliche, but it is totally relevant and totally true:

“ Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”

– Oscar Wilde

You came forth as a unique individual with specific wants and needs, ready to have a good time in this life.

Comparison (when it leads to suffering and that whole thread of self doubt) is basically a means of self rejection. You are denying your individual journey by telling yourself that you should be somebody that you are not. What if you are exactly who and where you intended to be?

4. Believe in your own journey

You are you for a reason, and your journey is as necessary and as sacred as the next persons.

Don’t fall too much for the materialistic measures of success that society and the media feed us, for they are not as they appear.

(I wrote a post on success that goes into detail on this. You can check it out here: What Does It Truly Mean To Be Successful?)

I believe that a person’s life purpose is more subtle than we tend to think it is. I like to consider this with Meryl Streep. On the outside, many might perceive her as superior due to the material success and fame that she has acquired. She is deemed “the best actress in the world”, but this doesn’t necessarily define her, nor her life’s purpose. Her purpose in this life might be “to learn more about compassion by considering other people’s perspectives.” Here, acting just so happens to be the right journey to assist in the learning of this life purpose.

I guess what I’m saying is: you never know what is going on behind the scenes. An individual’s journey is structured in a way that best allows them to grow in the way that their soul uniquely desires. The purpose of life is expansion, and only the soul knows what it needs to expand.

An individual’s journey is a predominantly subconscious process, and the timing of actualisation will always be right.

Believe, therefore, in right timing. Billie Eilish may have won a Grammy at 18, but this doesn’t reflect her ability to align with “success” over yours. It simply means that this was the experience Billie needed to be able to expand in the way her soul uniquely required at this point in time.

5. When it gets too much, look away

I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it again: put your blinders on. Horse blinders are firm leather squares that attach to a horse’s bridle and prevent the horse from seeing behind and beside him. The idea is to stop the horse from getting distracted or ‘spooked’. There’s no shame in just shutting it all out if it becomes too overwhelming.

One way I actively put my blinders on is with social media. I am very particular about who I follow. I go by my intuition, as well as my emotions. If it (the content) makes me feel good, then I’ll keep it in my circle. If it makes me feel bad, I’ll remove it from my field of vision. That way, I can guarantee that my social media feed won’t provoke me in a way that encourages negative thoughts and self doubt.

Saying that, be mindful of your expanders. It’s good to be challenged every now and then, and it may serve you to think about why you’re being triggered by certain people or content. Only you can know.

What’s your experience with comparison to others? I would love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to leave a comment below.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself and respect your individual journey.

What to do when you feel restricted by the pressure of time

The idea that we are restricted by time is an illusion. Here’s why I’ve decided to give up the hustle.

I am so glad to have come to a place recently where I very much feel that time does not restrict me.

Not so long ago, I was always hustling; just as a lot of people are always hustling. We hustle because of our perception of time, because we fear that there isn’t enough of it. Now that I’ve come to shift my perspective of time, I kinda struggle to justify what the rush was all about in the first instance?

I had a tendency to set myself a lot of deadlines, and many of them were unrealistic:

A couple of years ago, I wanted to tone up and lose a little bit of weight. 6 weeks was the deadline I set myself, with a target of 1kg per week. Realistic? Yes… but only by seriously decreasing my daily calorie intake whilst smashing out intense workouts 5 days a week. Who needs that kind of pressure?

I had an idea for a short film. I set myself the goal of writing and producing it within 6 months. Do-able? Yes, technically. But again, who needs that kind of pressure?!

I decided (pre-Covid, might I add) that I wanted to travel internationally, which was to include a road trip through North America, as well as a detour via Europe to catch up with old friends. This is totally possible– but extremely stressful with the timeline of 8 months that I was giving myself to save funds!

I’ve always been a high achiever, but why my ambition was served to me with a side of ‘hurry up’, I have no idea.

Well… I do have an idea.

Based on my experience, here’s what I think the race against time is all about:

1. A fear of dying before we get it all done

I don’t want to die having never achieved everything that I wanted to achieve.
I don’t want to die, despairing that I never became the version of myself that I wanted to become.
I don’t want to die with regret.

I think that it is totally natural and common for people to have this fear. Death is a concept that we tend to want to avoid as a society, as we can never be certain as to what death actually means. Does death really mean that we are no more? Is it permanent? Can we guarantee that there is an afterlife of some kind?

As per the examples from my past that I provided above:

I didn’t want to die before getting the chance to travel.

I didn’t want to die not being the ‘best’ version of myself, physically.

I was afraid of what it would mean if I didn’t produce that project before I would potentially never again have the chance.

The important thing here is this: it isn’t really about the things themselves (the travelling and the short film.) It’s about what those things represent.

2. A fear of what it will mean if we don’t get it all done

In other words: a fear that we will be unable to prove ourselves.

This refers specifically to the underlying beliefs and shameful thoughts that we have about ourselves. It is these negative beliefs and shameful thoughts that drive us as we strive to overcome them. It is the thought or belief, therefore, that scares us. What if the thought/ belief is true? We think that if we are unable to prove it wrong or override it in some way, it’ll define us and become the truth of our existence.

An old belief of mine (that I still like to entertain from time to time) is that I don’t matter. I push to get things done, such as a creative project, for the purpose of running from this thought. I hope that the final product (the completed short film, in this case) will render me important and worthy.

A fearful thought, to our minds, is like running from a predator. Time is of the essence, as we want to outrun the lion before it catches us first.

3. We fear it because the others’ fear it

Here, I believe that we simply work off of the others. We see that everyone else is hustling and rushing, and we think: maybe there is something that I’m missing? Nobody wants to get left behind.

The Tony Robbin’s* of the world tell us that we have to do it, and we have to do it NOW. My heart starts beating harder just hearing that concept. It’s stressful!

People that hustle and rush are just as vulnerable to negative self beliefs as the rest of us. Consider, therefore, that just because they encourage fast action, doesn’t mean that they are correct? Perhaps they are also afraid?

*I’m not dissing Tony Robbins specifically. I am referring to the vast pool of doers out there who emphasise action and encourage hustle. For me (and for many others I know) this sort of attitude can cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Hustling isn’t the only way to get things done.

Now that I’ve nutted out the problem, here’s what I think about the solution:

1. Put your blinders on

I first heard this phrase via life coach Connie Chapman in her podcast ‘Awaken Radio’ and I think it’s a brilliant metaphor for sticking to your own path. Horse blinders are firm leather squares that attach to a horse’s bridle and prevent the horse from seeing behind and beside him. The idea is to block out the others and focus on your own journey, free of comparison.

Everybody has their own, unique journey. End of story. Do yourself the favour of resisting the urge to compare, as well as resisting the urge to compete. There is no competition (unless you are in the Olympics) therefore there is no need to race.

Nobody knows your unique needs and desires more than you. Follow your instincts and do things in your own time.

2. Develop faith in your eternity

I could be stepping on a few toes, depending on what you believe, but I believe that we are all eternal beings.

Eternity is timeless, meaning there is plenty of ‘time’ to get it all done. Life, from this perspective, is an endless and steady stream of continually coming into alignment with a new and expanded version of yourself.

“If I’m standing in my physical body and am consciously connected to that eternal spirit, then I’m eternal in nature and I need not ever again fear any endedness, because, from that perspective I understand that there is not any of that.”
– Abraham Hicks

3. Figure out why you’re doing what you’re doing

If you feel pressured by time when it comes to your goals and desires, I’d be confident in saying for certain that it is because some sort of negative belief is plaguing you.

One of the best things that you can do for yourself is release erroneous and restricting beliefs. Life flows a whole lot better when you do, because you aren’t running! You are content with who you and where you are at right NOW. You know that you do not need the weight loss, new job, perfect partner, etc to complete you. Therefore, there is no rush.

It is predominantly this last point that has allowed me to shift my relationship with time. The less I fall for the thought that I am not enough, the more relaxed I feel in relation to my desires.

Be in it for the long haul, and prioritise joy and fulfilment by engaging fully with the present moment.

5 healthy ways to engage with social media

Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your needs and is consumed in moderation. Here are 5 suggestions to help you to engage with social media in a healthy way.

Following a one year hiatus, I have recently returned to Instagram.

This time last year, I put a halt to social media altogether, all-too aware of the anxiety I was feeling as a result. Like many, I’ve been prone to using social media in my search for validation, and any perceived messages of rejection as a result of too few ‘thumbs up!’ had me crawling under the doona with my hands over my eyes. I felt humiliated and low all too often, and I do not regret giving it the flick; it was the right thing for me at the time.

Returning to social media, therefore, has been a very careful choice, and a decision that I have not made lightly. I deliberated over the pros and cons, and eventually decided that it’d do me good to re-engage, for social anxiety does not simply dissipate by using a technique of avoidance. I decided to confront my social anxiety, and I aim to do so with self-love and discipline. I can already see the contrast in the way I am using social media now as opposed to a year ago, and that hindsight has lead me to see that social media doesn’t have to be detrimental to my mental health. I just have to decide how I’m going to use it.

Here are five things I suggest considering when looking to engage in social media in a healthy way:

1. Ask why

Why use social media? Is it to connect with family and friends who live in a different city to you? Is it to stay connected with family and friends who live in the same city? Is it to market your business, or brand, or yourself? Are you an artist? Do you love to cook and want to share your home cooking ideas? The reasons could be endless… Ask anyone, however, and you’ll get a positively-stated reply. Not many people would admit, for instance, that they feel lonely and use social media for those little dopamine hits that feed them with perceptions of popularity. Herein lies the power of the mind: it works as a duality. We think we mean one thing, but we actually mean another:
‘I just want to stay connected with my friends’, says your conscious mind, ignoring the scoff of that other voice in the darkness.
‘Nah you don’t’, says the subconscious mind, ‘you fear you’ll miss out if you’re not online. We’re insecure, remember? Will your friends really value you if you don’t post that selfie of you and your cat? Do it! You need the likes and comments. I promise it’ll make you feel better…’

Most people have some ulterior motive going on in terms of the reason they use social media, whether they are aware of it or not. It’s important to consider what it might be for you. This isn’t to make you feel bad, or guilty, or whatever… It’s to ensure you’re not encouraging negative habits of thought. By engaging in social media to ensure you feel better, or more loved, valued, etc, you only strengthen the opposing thoughts underneath.
If you want to connect, or market yourself, then great, but ensure you’re not doing so to satisfy those niggling thoughts that say you’re not good enough.

2. Define your purpose

I had to step away from Instagram for some time before I felt sure that I could engage in a way that didn’t tend to my negative self beliefs. The first thing I did (after identifying why social media was making me feel bad, of course) was re-define my approach. The thing that brought it together for me was the concept that social media could be a means of service to others. All these years, I had been making it about me. I was using it to gage my worthiness, a measuring stick to prove whether I was, in fact, as insignificant as I believed deep down that I was.

I came to realise (with a little help from a friend) that this didn’t have to be about me. Just because I wanted to share my ideas, didn’t mean that I had to make it so personal. ‘Take validation out of the equation’, she said. And I realised that she was right.

I decided that it could be about sharing, about truly connecting to others. It could be about spreading positivity and hope and joy. None of these things have anything to do with my worthiness as an individual, for how I feel about myself is actually a very personal thing. That relationship should stay between me, and me. I don’t need to share a selfie to feel lovable. I should be able to look in the mirror and just see it for myself.

Take your power back. Nobody else has the right to determine who you are and what you are about; that is for you to decide.

3. Don’t spread yourself thin

Quality over quantity, my friend. Imagine a spoonful of peanut butter. Would it be better if it were spread over one slice of bread or five? Using one spoonful of peanut butter to cover five slice’s of bread is what I’d call spreading yourself thin. Respect your time and energy by setting yourself boundaries. I mean this in reference to:

a) The social media outlet(s) that you choose to use:

Personally, I find it overwhelming to think I should be on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter AND LinkedIn… Not to mention Snapchat and TikTok and God knows what else. I decided, therefore, to invest my time and energy in just one for the time-being. I released any pressures of expectation, or social pressures as to ‘what is the next big thing?’ If I learned anything from my hiatus from social media, it’s that FOMO wasn’t actually a thing. My life wasn’t compromised because I wasn’t engaging in the latest on TikTok. If anything, I appreciated just how much more time I had to focus on other things, many of which bought be greater joy and satisfaction.

If you believe in quality over quantity, then sometimes it can be better to put all of your eggs in the one basket. I decided to simply start with Instagram, for it was the one that inspired me the most. If you care about utilising your energy, then I’d recommend being selective. Not all of them are worth your time.

b) The amount of time you spend on social media:

It’s all too easy to pick up your phone and have a cheeky scroll. Our phones are basically an extension of our arm in this day and age, so checking your notifications can come as naturally as scratching your nose. It didn’t take me long to re-engage with this old habit when I returned to the world of Instagram. I found myself making up for old stalking time, which subsequently invited negative thought patterns back into town. Once I realised this, I got disciplined. I was determined not to let myself re-engage with old habits. I decided to set myself a couple of rules, the first of which was to dedicate a specific time of the day to social media usage. In that way, I can ensure I am engaging with social media more purposefully, whilst respecting the healthy habits I adopted for my idle time whilst in my hiatus.

4. Filter

And no, I don’t just mean your pics.

One thing that has massively helped for me is being selective with who I follow. I didn’t want my news feed to trigger anxiety or depression anymore. I want my news feed to inspire me, and encourage me in positive ways. The great thing about most social media platforms is that we have that choice: we can decide what we do and don’t want to see. If that means you don’t follow some of your friends, then so be it. Or perhaps you can consider unfollowing Kim Kardashin? We all love a bit of celebrity gossip, but at the end of the day, does it make you feel good or bad?

5. Get real

Make sure social media isn’t the only means you have for engaging with people. To build meaningful relationships, it is important to be able to connect in real life.

One of my main concerns when I decided to leave social media was that I’d lose touch with friends. But then I realised: what kind of friends would my friends be if they stopped talking to me just because I’m not on Facebook? I decided to trust that the true friends in my life would pick up the phone and call, or send me a text, or find some other way to reach out. This ended up being the case.

As I have already mentioned, FOMO didn’t end up being a thing. Anything that was of value to me, I found out about. I maintained a social life, and I was still involved in the things that mattered. Anything or anyone that didn’t make it to me mustn’t have been necessary, for I trust that they would have found a way.

Authenticity is the key here. We all know that social media can be fake.

In summary, have awareness and be true to yourself. Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your (body’s) needs and is consumed in moderation.

When the pressure of expectations get too much

An exploration of the limitations felt by the pressure of internal and external expectations.

I desire freedom more than anything else. I want to break free.

Yet– what is this feeling? This restlessness, angst, irritation. I get angry easily and I throw things. I cry at the drop of a hat. I wish to scream, to tear out my hair and to scratch at my skin. I do not wish to hurt myself, I only want to release this hurricane inside.

This must be the way a bird feels, trapped in a cage. The wings won’t stop– they long for the space that signals their freedom. The energy of their suppressed flight is dense and all-consuming. There is no outlet, only an impression of squishing and tightening in an effort to squash the tendency those wings have to expand. That unused energy is suffocating for it cannot be restrained. It can only be re-consumed in an effort to send it back to where it came from. That in itself could very well be the end of you.

If I were a bird in a cage, then my wings are either especially large (expansive) or built to encourage a very fast flight. The trapped energy that I feel has speed to it. I struggle to settle my mind, which runs at a hundred miles a minute. This could perhaps be the speed of a very, very fast vehicle taking me to faraway places of adventure, whilst my physical body remains here, sedentary. Stuck.

I want to be free! Well… innately, I am free. Therefore, I must want to break free. I am Freddie Mercury, seeking to live a life that is well beyond my current state of reality. I wish to break that cage, smash it to pieces, and burst forth loudly in a flourish of light, speed and excellence. I wish to feel overwhelmingly alive. I wish to feel free.

I’m tired of being who everyone wants me to be.
Actually, I’m tired of being who I think I want me to be. I’m so sick of trying to fit the various moulds or personas that I’ve carried in my mind all these years. ‘If I’m like this, then this person will love me… This person likes it if I’m like this… This other person will reject me if I don’t act like this.’ Lord Jesus, fuck off! These expectations are not fun anymore. I choose now to be like Gandalf, and I say “you shall not pass.”

When my mind is quiet and my soul is allowed to speak, it tells quite a different story. My soul doesn’t have expectations, it has only desires. These desires are gentle and suggestive. They do not demand action and they do not threaten to strip me of my worth if I choose not to pursue them. These desires (or longings) are for my happiness only; they are the very epitome of ‘follow your joy.’ They are not to satisfy my perception of others needs and wants in relation to Sarah Moon and who Sarah Moon must be.

All of these ideas of who I must be to be successful, to be loved and to belong… They have slowly been killing me. I care too greatly, and if I don’t stop now, then I fear it will be my undoing. It already undoes me, in the quieter times, when I am still and silent and can feel the consequences of the way in which I have been choosing to conduct myself. Everything is for the others, for their validation and love. Do they know that they are meant to be validating me? Probably not.

This energy that has been brewing (this spreading of wings) is a call for surrender. I open my mouth and a voice erupts, loud and clear. I scream, gesturing wildly to the heavens:

‘I have had enough! I do not want to do this any more. I want it to be simple, I want it to be fun, I want to be free! Let me go. Let me go, now, so that I can be who I have always actually wanted to be. This is not who I am. I do not want to be this anymore. It is making me deeply unhappy.’

As it releases, all goes quiet. A subtle sense of emptiness and a hint of inspiration remain. Above all, there is relief. God, could it be that I can actually live life just for myself? I do not have to live it for anybody else?

There is a catch. I have spent so many years leaning in to those perceptions of who I need to be, that any ideas of who I could otherwise be are vague. I need to get to know myself. I need to greet myself like an old friend, and catch up on all the happenings of the past 20 years or so. Who are you? Who am I? Who could I be? Who could I be… that is the preferable question, for really, the possibilities are endless. By choosing to live by one set of standards, we limit our potential. There are so many different paths we could take. I could be anyone.

I wish to lean in another direction, and that is towards a self that only I can truly know. I don’t want to be all the other things anymore. The actress, the black sheep, the dark, mystifying artist. The good girl, the easy-going girl, the girl who aims to be as neutral as possible so as not to upset others. The girl who is strong, the girl who is independent, the girl who is uneffected by anything. The one who is needy, the one who is lost, the one who doesn’t know who she is and what she wants. The one who hides, she is the one I despise the most, and she hides behind all of these things. She hides for fear of upsetting the human race with her presence. She tells herself, ‘it’s okay, they don’t have to know who I truly am, for one day they will and I can be free.’ This is a lie, and an act of cruelty inflicted upon myself.

The suppression will kill me quicker than an observing crowd. For here’s the secret: the observing crowd (the rest of you out there) probably won’t care about me nearly as much as I think you will. I deprive myself more than I will likely upset any one of you, and I am sick of being starved.

I just want to be me, and for that to be enough.

Recognising when you’ve given your power away

A reflection on the consequences of allowing my power to reside in the hands of another.

I have recently had the experience of coming back to myself.

I came to develop a relationship in my life in which it became evident over time that I was giving my power away to the other person in this relationship. I was weakened, made vulnerable and completely helpless to myself. This was a complete power play, in which I had swiftly become the loser.

It’s difficult to describe what I mean without going into detail–

I refer to a relationship; a relationship that was evidently more personal than it ever was professional, and professional it was supposed to be. To save on breaching conduct, I’ll expose the happenings through a metaphorical story juxtaposed to my situation.

A young girl desires love from her guardian. Orphaned as a child, she was rejected during a vulnerable time when her consciousness was still developing and she was absorbent, like a sponge. Through her abandonment, she became aware of the lack of getting what she wanted. She became aware of her deprivation and insecurity. The desire for love, nurturing and security grew stronger. Meanwhile, obstacles to her getting this love multiplied, narrowing her scope of belief in the likelihood of her ever receiving it.

One day, she meets a man. This man is kind to her. He listens to her and gives her a platform to feel heard. He validates her experiences and endorses her sense of worth every time that they meet. Being that her desire is so strong by this point and (concurrently) the depths of her feelings of deprivation for having a lack of it for so long, she becomes addicted to what he is giving her.

At first she is wary, but over time, she lets herself trust the love that the man is giving her. She opens and opens- yet at the same time, her addiction grows. She begins to suffer when she is not with him. She cries because she is made aware of the emptiness that she had become accustomed to prior to their meeting.

The contrast between the two is huge. She becomes dependent on him. Yet as she begins to need him, he starts to pull away. It is subtle at first, and bearable. Yet eventually, being deprived of his love only deepens her suffering. She cannot find another way to access it without him.

He eventually makes it clear to her that he cannot be the one to nurture and love her. Well, this is what he says, but his encouraging actions still speak of the opposite. He cannot help but enjoy being needed…

Through her desperation to ensure this new found love and life doesn’t come to an end, the girl breaks down boundaries in an effort to draw him back. She begins to take risks, each more dangerous than the last; compensating her safety and sanity just to get a taste of his love.

Now, as with all stories of change, there comes a breaking point:

The girls life is on the line. She toys with the idea of murder by her own hand; contemplates the notion of death as an out to her suffering. She has become so addicted to this man that she cannot remember how she lived before him? She is sure that there must be a future for her, but the pain of losing the love that she craved for so long feels unbearable. She would prefer to die than return to the emptiness.

On a particularly vulnerable Friday, she finds herself in the hospital Emergency Room. She had almost let life slip from her hands.

She should have left him now, but she couldn’t. She needed to know: did he mind that she could have died? Would it make him hold her closer?
He shows her care and concern, and she deduces that there is still hope.

The following week she goes to see him. He pulls her close, but not close enough. He leaves her hanging the following day, ignoring her calls and turning to face away. It is at this point that she feels she needs him the most. Her chest has been ripped open and she had trusted him to cotton wool the holes. She lay and bled in his absence, completely defeated and in despair.

By this point, however, the message was clear: she had basically passed him the sword. He held her life in his hands, and she had relinquished all control. The time had come to take her power back.

The decision came from a place deep within. She responded before the idea had completely formed in her mind.
“It is time for me to move on. This no longer serves.”
She preached her decision loud and clear.

At first she felt a surge of relief, combined with an injection of re-empowerment.

What followed were some of the darkest days. Cut off from the source, she had to detox. She grieved and was angry and longed to go back to him. Yet something within her stopped her well before she was at risk of reaching out. She had come to see that her time with him had an expiry date. It would no longer be possible for her fill herself with his love. Her sore heart could not be healed by another. Rather, she needed to learn to love herself.

She could comprehend it, but it was terrifying. She was at rock bottom and choosing to surrender to the dark. Would she be able to survive it? Yet with the help of that inner voice, she stuck firm to her decision and took heavy, courageous steps in an effort to piece herself back together.

Just days after it all went down, I found myself able to breathe once more. I resurfaced from the ocean, fresh and fiery and ready to fight. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for my strength to come back, and I attribute this to the solidity of my decision. Something powerful happens energetically when you make a definite and genuine decision to change. (This is opposed to sitting on the fence.)

I feel that this power play is a lesson that I have grappled with constantly over the years: I choose to let my power reside in others hands, when there is so much power within me. I deprive myself of love and joy and freedom by their hand. I wait for their permission or their validation. It’s a ridiculous way to live, really (all judgement removed.) For when I am empowered, and I turn inward for my source of validation and love, it is endless and infinitely more accessible.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

– Carl Gustav Jung

You don’t know how loved you are

A personal story. A reflection on being seen, and trusting that you are more loved and valued than you could ever possibly know.

I recognised her when I saw her– though I had never actually met her. I recognised her as one of my own.

We were on holiday. In an attempt to lift us both from the pits of suffering we were cowering in, my partner carefully selected a teashop in the mountains to take us to. This, we hoped, would help shift the clouds of anxiety and depression that were plaguing us. It had become apparent that our holiday wasn’t for relaxation, but was more so an opportunity to catch up with ourselves. Our minds had gone slightly haywire once given the time and space, and the processing weighed heavy.

She- the one I recognised- was running the cafe alone. She was big-boned and tattooed with cropped hair and a heavy expression. She scared me at first. She looked as though she might bite if provoked, and so I hung back, observing from a distance.

Based on appearances alone, I assumed she was gay. I put my arms around my girlfriend in the hope that she would soften, seeing that we were like her. We were “her people” (as Hannah Gadsby says…)

My attempts to reach her worked, somewhat, in that she smiled and asked how our drinks were when she bought us the scone we’d ordered. Looking down, I noticed a couple of thick scars on her arms. Here was evidence of something deeper stirring within her. Once she’d walked away I looked down at my own arm, still bandaged from a recent attack that I had had by my own hand. At that moment I remembered that she was hidden beneath the sharpness of her shell. The hard expression and strong physique were suddenly less offensive. I saw the sadness and vulnerability; a lost soul in desperate need of a fucking big hug.

It’s difficult to describe this next part, but I’ll give it a go:

As I watched her, seeing into her soul, I was struck with a sudden clarity. I could see how loved she was. I could see how worthy and perfect she was– regardless of the efforts she had made to (over time) construct a self that both physically and behaviorally repels others. I no longer bought into it. I could see how powerful she was. And free, as a creative Being that could be, have, or do anything. All at the same time, I could see how oblivious she was to what I was seeing. She likely couldn’t see or feel it at all.

You might think I’m a bit creepy by this point, but I persevere–

I wanted to leave her a note. I wanted to write her a little something on a piece of paper, saying something like this:

‘I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength. Thank you for still being here. I love you. You are more loved and valued than you could possibly ever know.’

I guess the creep factor caught up with me at this point, because I never left a note.

It did leave me thinking, however. Seeing what I saw in her– I wish I could see that in myself. I’m sure others look at me and see the same thing: how loved and perfect and worthy I am, just as I am.

This has stayed with me for some weeks. I’m finding it increasingly easy to look at others and see their wholeness. I suppose I’m looking at them through the eyes of Source.

[Source= God, a higher power, creative life force… Whatever you chose to call it.]

What I’m working on now, is to turn it back on myself; to look at myself through the eyes of Source. For if I can do that, it might just help to save me in this lifetime. I am sure I am more loved than I could ever possibly know.

13 reasons why I choose life over death

On a somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again …

Suicide prevention is difficult to get right.

I know because I’ve been suicidal, and I’ve been so recently.

I know enough about it all by now to have an awareness of the multitude of resources out there. I know of the strategies, suicide hotlines, crisis teams, therapists, friends… In this day and age it’s all at your fingertips really– everything that can keep you safe.

But having the ability to reach out when you’re at crisis point is another hurdle all together. I can have all the support in the world, but the decision ultimately resides with me. It’s between me, and me. Nobody else can live (or not live) my life. My life is my responsibility.

This is where suicide prevention reaches its limits. This is where the mind of one cannot be touched by another.

I hate saying this, because I hate hearing it. People want to be saved. I wish I could rely on somebody else to rescue me– but that just isn’t the way it goes.

My belief is that I chose this life experience. I had an understanding of what I was in for before I was birthed. I even helped design it. Therefore, I was prepared for the challenges and potential this life held for me.

Sometime towards the end of 2018 I hit one of my crisis points. Mid-breakdown, I sat sobbing on the floor of the apartment my girlfriend and I share.
“I can’t do this! Who thought I could do this? Who’s fucking stupid idea was this?!”
My girlfriend turned calmly and coyly and said, “well… yours. If you believe what you say.”
I began to laugh amidst my hysterics, because I knew she was right.
When I hit crisis point (which is code for my “I can’t do this anymore!” moments, by the way) the way up begins with me remembering that this story began and ends with me. I cannot be victim to this life experience.

And so, on this somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. I actually googled “why not suicide?” to try and find some valid reasons for myself yesterday. I found very little but for the aforementioned resources (numbers to call, chat groups.). And please don’t get me wrong– the resources out there are extremely valid, and I’m extremely grateful for the increase in awareness and support we now have for mental health. However, I was looking for something a little more specific. Evidence or good reason for life, I suppose. Hope and fresh insight. A means of connecting with others who were in the same position as me, knowing (because it’s often said) that: I am not alone. Considering my search didn’t bring the answer forward, I turned once again to me, and I thought up the reasons myself.

So without further ado, here’s my 13 reasons why. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again:

1. I’ve got all of forever to be dead

Life fucking hurts sometimes and the idea of death brings a sense of relief. Unless you believe you’re going to hell.
So what, then, is the point of living if I can experience pure, eternal love and peace by choosing to re-emerge into non-physical?
Well, if I believe I’m eternal then I’ve got all the time in the world to experience good feelings later. My humanity, I can only experience now. Suffering is a very temporary and very specifically human thing to experience. To me, resurfacing from pain can feel like resurfacing after a wave crashes over your head. It can make me feel more intensely alive and satisfied at living a life fully; knowing what it’s truly like to live as a human-fucking-being. I might as well make the most of it while I’ve got the opportunity.

2. FOMO

Fear of missing out.
We are at the forefront of expansion here on planet earth. Being here and contributing (whether we think we are worthy of our existence or not) is worthwhile. These are ‘happening’ times where humanity is moving at a rapid pace. Believe it or not, this is the best things have ever been; it’s a great time to be alive. I want to see what happens. I want to be a part of it.

3. I’m meant to be here

I’m here for a reason, and when it’s my time to go I believe I’ll go naturally. I’m of value, and so it is my obligation to myself and others that I be here to see things out.

4. I have shit to do

(Relating to the above) I have stuff I want to do. I have things I want to create, changes I want to instigate, dreams to fulfil… And I am the only one capable of doing the shit that I need to get done. My unique perspectives and ideas cannot be accessed by another at this point in time.

5. I don’t want all the work I’ve done to be for nothing

It would be a shame for me to be lost. I have worked fucking hard to get to this point and I’ve created a multifaceted, intelligent, purposeful being.

6. I’ll miss my friends and family

I imagine it like a mass funeral, saying goodbye to everything and everyone that I love so so much; burying the lot. Once it’s gone, I can’t have it back. The concept of it breaks my heart. I do not want to say goodbye.

7. My friends and family will miss me

I may think I’m invisible sometimes; that I don’t have an impact. Yet I know that I am loved, even if I don’t feel it. I must have an impact, even if I don’t believe it. And I don’t want to hurt anybody. It is my intention to improve lives, not wreck them.
When one is suicidal, it’s really hard to consider others. People say, “they are so selfish. They don’t consider what they are doing to the people they leave behind.” But I understand. The pain is all consuming.
When I was in hospital after my first suicide attempt at 16, I had somebody say to me, “if you can’t live for yourself, please do it for me.”
I was lucky to have somebody say that. Not everybody has evidence such as these words to prove that they are valued.
If you believe that even one person benefits from your existence, it’s worth staying alive just for them.

8. My pet mice need me

I don’t have children… But being needed is valid. I chose to care for my little mice, and they rely on me to feed them and keep them safe.

9. My daughter needs me

I want to have a child. I believe my child is waiting to come into this world; pending until the right time. How will my daughter be able to be born if I’m not here to birth her?
(For the sake of the argument… my son would need me too. I just assume my first born will be a girl.)

10. I’ll miss the things I love

Life has the potential for so much joy. There are things I do on a daily basis that make me glad to be alive: music, driving, running, coffee, wine, laughing randomly with strangers or with friends. Make a list. These small things are beautiful, and they make it worth it.

11. I don’t want to have to come back and do it all over again because I was unable to learn my lessons this time around

I believe in re-incarnation. I believe that we have lessons to learn. I believe that if I bail early I’ll have to come back and do it all again in another life. It seems that I might as well keep plugging along now, considering I’ve made it this far already.

12. There is always tomorrow

… and tomorrow might be different.

13. I want to see my potential unfold

My curiosity gets the better of me. I have dreams, and I’m curious to know what my life could become. It could all fall to pieces. But I could also find a way to align with everything I’ve ever wanted.
I guess I’d rather die with regret than regret never having seen it to to the end.

End Note:
I understand that this article could be extremely confronting. Given that suicide is a topic I’ve become used to reflecting upon, I suppose I’ve become somewhat desensitised. I apologise if I’ve caused any distress.

Firstly, I want to reassure you that I am okay. I have faith in my journey and I have adequate support.

Secondly, please consider this a safe space if you share any of the same thoughts or feelings. You are not alone. Comment below; I would be keen to hear your thoughts about this topic. You can also reach out to me personally.
Alternatively, here is the number for Lifeline (Australia): 13 11 14
A list of international suicide hotlines can be found here>> http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
There are people out there who want to help.
I hear you and know your pain. You’ve got this.