What Does It Truly Mean to Be Successful?
Success.
What does it even mean?
In general, I think that the words ‘success’ and ‘failure’ are used too flippantly: We often assign ourselves to one or the other — and not always for the right reason.
Success is something that I have been redefining for myself for a while now. Being an actor, ‘success’ is a particularly loaded concept, and one that grinds you down over time. Therefore, the need to redefine it came from a place of necessity.
“Oh, you’re an actor! Have I seen you in anything?” For most actors, this question will instantly set you on edge. I was no exception. Upon meeting new people or reconnecting with family and old friends, I’d brace myself in anticipation.
For me, that question has always had a certain subtext: Are you famous yet?
I would stumble my way through an answer — something about the TV mini-series that aired 7 years ago, or the short film I did last year. I’d then promptly divert the conversation, thinking all the while: ‘Yes, I’ve done plenty — but probably not anything you would find particularly impressive.’
I was ashamed. I’d assume others would deem me a failure because I wasn’t Margot Robbie yet.
It kills you slowly to believe that you are a failure, and the pain of it only makes you strive harder to cover up the fear and shame. It is an endless feedback loop of self-punishment and suffering.
Eventually, the pain of feeling like a failure caused me to stop and reassess.
I asked myself:
If I think that I am failing, then where do I think I should be in order to be succeeding?
How is it that I am defining success?
With time and a little research, I began to get some clarity.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with the concepts of failure and success. After all, I picked up my ideas about success from my environment — namely, other people, the media, and society as a whole. Our society promotes a plethora of ideas — many of which are less than ideal — and the concept of success is a big one.
Let’s talk about it.
Where was I going wrong?
First and foremost, I was looking to other people to decide whether or not I was succeeding in life.
I don’t know what other people are thinking about me. We can all only assume that we know.
Most of our assumptions about what others think of us are based on the thoughts that we are already thinking about ourselves. I assumed that others were thinking I was failing, but in actuality, I believed I was failing. I believed I was failing because I wasn’t living up to my own expectations — the ideas I had about what would make me a success. And I was projecting my beliefs onto others.
See, while we have many mutual ideas as a society about success (which I’ll come to), many of our measures for success are deeply personal.
Our experiences inform our desires, and those desires are born through contrast. As spiritual teacher Abraham Hicks would say: Through observing what you don’t want, you become clear about what you do want.
As a species, we are constantly wanting more because we believe that we will feel better when we get the things that we want. Therefore, actualizing our desires becomes our personal measure of success.
My story is not so different from a lot of actors. As a somewhat lonely child who felt she didn’t belong, I dreamed of finding a platform where I would feel seen. Acting became that platform. What it looked like for me to actualize that desire was specific: winning an award. For a child that felt invisible, that moment of recognition promised happiness and a sense of peace. Fame was to be the thing that made me successful.
As time passed — and with it, the lack of that coveted career recognition — I became more and more aware of my inability to actualize my desire. The feeling that sparked that desire in the first place became louder: invisibility. Here is where the perpetual feeling of failure took hold.
But, was I failing? Or was I simply not meeting a very specific goal born from limiting self-beliefs?
Success may be defined by actualizing our personal desires — but if our desires have negative roots, it’s going to screw us over. Where I was going wrong, therefore, was in letting limiting beliefs about myself influence my measure of success.
But my personal (limiting) beliefs weren’t the only thing influencing my ideas about success.
What does society say about success?
Society very much connects success with material possessions and achievement, e.g. wealth, ownership, popularity, and social status. The human ego likes to ‘see to believe’, and popularity and possession supposedly lends evidence to an individual’s value.
Not enough emphasis is placed on that which can’t be seen, and this leads to one of life’s biggest misconceptions: that material possession and external validation determines one’s value.
Most humans share a variation of the same root fear: I am not enough. A common way to smother this fear is to hold on to the material and tangible to boost our self-worth perception. By attaching things and labels to ourselves, we believe it will boost our value.
External validation becomes our measure for success.
“I’m a millionaire.
I’m the CEO of a banking firm.
I’m married to a wealthy business-owner.
I have a six-pack and can bench 140 kg.
I’m an Academy Award-winning actor…”
The list is endless.
For without these things — these labels — who are we and how can we be sure that we have value?
We live in the most abundant of times. Our modern world has opened up opportunities that didn’t exist just a couple of generations ago. While this is liberating, it presents a new kind of stress: the pressure of responsibility. There is now more expectation for one to do well with their life. This, I believe, is where the concepts of ‘success’ and ‘failure’ really began to grip our collective consciousness — particularly in the Western World.
Societally, we are obsessed with being, doing, and having the best. It is no longer acceptable to do something for the sake of doing something — it needs to mean something. We’re pressured to monetize our hobbies and strive to become number one in our field. To climb the career ladder and hit our KPIs. To beat the others and come out on top.
We’re pressured to win — but at what cost? And why?
Success, when measured by external validation, leads to shame and anxiety. Combined with our limiting beliefs, this way of measuring fulfilment is destined to tangle us up.
What does it actually mean to be successful?
Success is not about having — it is about being.
It is not defined by material possession, status, fame, or wealth. Rather, I believe success is about something much more intimate: the degree of alignment one has with their own self.
Success is personal — what it means to me is different to what it means to you — and, as such, it will differ from person to person. That’s the beauty of it.
Many falsely believe that success looks the same for everybody. Society tells us that this is the case; that we must all strive for the same things. Yet, each of us holds desires that are exceptionally unique. Often, the specifics of our personal desires cannot be justified or comprehended. And so, how can we possibly judge whether or not somebody is succeeding in their life?
Through comparison, we so easily judge others as being more or less successful than we are. Yet, just because somebody has what we want does not mean they received it from our same standpoint.
For example, one person might be born into wealth and another into poverty. The individual born into poverty may desire wealth but have a loving marriage. The one born into wealth may crave a loving relationship, while their wealth is circumstantial. Both may look at one another and see success, but for different reasons.
Everybody has their own journey and their own timeline, and they cannot be compared. We are all on the path to self-actualization, and while that path is unique to each of us, so is the meaning of success.
It isn’t what you have or who you are that makes you a success — but your ability to align with your unique, authentic (not coming from limiting beliefs) desires.
In this way, to be successful is to align with your authenticity and come home to yourself.
“Success is alignment; focused thought, control of the thoughts I think, feeling my emotions and guiding my thoughts deliberately toward the greater being that is me.”
— Abraham Hicks