Skip to content

SARAH MOON

Author: Sarah Moon

What does it truly mean to be successful?

Where do we get our ideas about success from, and how can they be redefined?

 

Success. It’s a bit of a bitch of a word, if you ask me. I feel that the words ‘success’ and ‘failure’ are used too flippantly, and we often assign ourselves to one or the other for the wrong reasons.

Success is something that I have been re-defining for myself for some time now. This became a necessity, for I am an actor, and success comes with a lot of stressful connotations in the acting industry.

I’d brace myself upon meeting new people or relatives and old friends, awaiting the moment they would say: “oh, you’re an actor. Have I seen you in anything?” To me, the subtext of that statement is, “are you famous yet?” I would stumble my way through an answer. “No, you wouldn’t have seen me in anything. I’ve done a TV mini-series, but that was aired some years ago. I’ve done a lot of plays and a couple of short films…” I’d then look for a way to divert the conversation as swiftly as possible, whilst summing up the answer in my head: “Yes, I’ve done plenty of work, but nothing that you would probably find very impressive.”

I was ashamed, for I anticipated others judgement. I assumed that other’s were deeming me a failure because I wasn’t Margot Robbie yet.

It kills you slowly to believe that you are a failure, and the pain of it only makes you strive harder to cover up the fear and shame. It is an endless feedback loop of self-punishment and suffering.

As with most things, the pain had to become unbearable before I truly stopped to reassess.

“How is it that I am defining success?” I finally asked myself. “If I think that I am failing myself, then where do I think I should be in order for me to be succeeding?”

Head. Scratcher.

It took me some time to contemplate the meaning of success, but I finally got some clarity.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with the concepts of failure and success. After all, I picked up my ideas of success from my environment– namely, other people, the media and society on the whole. Society presents a whole lot of damaging ideas to us absorbent beings, and the concept of success is a big one. We need to step back and re-define, and straighten the whole thing out.

1. Where was I going wrong?

First and foremost, I was looking to other people to decide whether or not I was succeeding in life.

I don’t know what other people are thinking about me. We can all only assume that we know, and so most of our assumptions are based on the thoughts that we are already thinking about ourselves. I assumed that others were thinking I was failing, but in actuality, I believed I was failing. I was endowing others with my own beliefs surrounding my success as an individual, and the reason I believed I was failing was because I hadn’t yet accomplished what I had set out to achieve.

Def. 1: Success = The accomplishment of an aim or purpose or Achieving what you set out to achieve.

Whilst we have many mutual, societal ideas about success (which I’ll come to) many of our measures for success are deeply personal.

As we are growing up, our experiences inform our desires. Abraham Hicks often speaks about the following truth: that through observing what you don’t want, you become clear about what you do want.

Your desires are born through contrast. We constantly desire change and expansion, for we think that we will feel better in the getting of that bigger and better thing. Actualising our desires, therefore, becomes our personal measure of success.

My experiences informed a desire to be seen, hence I chose acting. The achievement of my desire looked specifically like my receiving an Oscar nomination, for that moment would be proof to me that I had accomplished being seen.

The more time that passed, the greater my awareness became of not having yet achieved this desire. This only made me more aware of the thought that I was trying to overcome through striving for my desire in the first place: that I was invisible. The fact that my perceived invisibility seemed more of a reality than my being seen meant I was met with a perpetual feeling of failure.

Leaning on limiting beliefs about my self was where I went wrong, for fame became my measure for success. Limiting beliefs inform our individual ideas of success, and they also screw us over. We don’t come up with the solutions to our obstacles on our own, however…

2. What does society say about success?

For a start, society still very much connects success with material possession, for attachment to material possession (particularly that of wealth and fortune) is a fault of the human ego, ever tempted by the illusion that ‘seeing is believing.’ Furthermore, success has and continues to be attributed to social status, particularly those with fame and prosperity.

Not enough emphasis is placed on that which can’t be seen, and this leads to one of life’s biggest misconceptions: that material value determines one’s worth.

Def. 2: Success= Attaining wealth, prosperity and/or fame 

The root fear of all humans is: I am not enough. A popular way to smother this fear is to hold on to the material and tangible, as it makes us feel more certain of our existence. We think that if we attach things and labels to ourselves, it’ll boost our worth.
‘I’m a millionaire; I’m the CEO of a banking firm; I’m an Academy Award winning Actor; I’m vegan; I’m a singer; I’m married, I have a six pack and can bench 140kg…’ (the list is endless.)
For without these things, who are we and how can we be sure that we amount to something?

“Ego is the false perception of oneself as a limited being.”

– Eckhart Tolle

Our modern world has opened up a multitude of opportunities that didn’t exist just a couple of generations ago. Where people were once thought of as either ‘fortunate’ or ‘unfortunate’ depending on the cards that they were dealt in life, it is now commonly accepted that we are, in fact, the creators of our reality. There have been enough ‘rags to riches’ stories for us to see that we are not fated; we can be, do and have whatever we desire.

Whilst this is liberating, the fact that we are no longer victims to our life experience presents a new kind of stress: the pressure of responsibility. There is more expectation for one to do well with their life.

Nowadays, the word ‘success’ is thrown around more than ever before, attributing to societies obsession with being, doing and having the best. It is no longer acceptable to, say, just start up a business– it needs to become the best business in it’s field. It is not enough to simply cook for pleasure– you must go on Master Chef and be deemed the best cook. You like playing netball? Awesome… But are you playing for the National team? This pressure applies to every area of our life, and it is emphasised by the media, who plays into that common human fear of: I am not enough.

Our need for success is driven by our limiting beliefs, and our ideas of success are derived from our environment. Success according to this format, however, encourages shame, as well as breeds further stress.

Success taken from this model is a lie, for it narrows our focus and causes us to view our life through a tainted lens. We cannot see the areas where we are actually successful, for we are only focused on the parts of our life that are still lacking.

3. What does it actually mean to be successful?

Success is not about having, it is about being. It has nothing to do with material possession, status, fame or wealth; it is much simpler than that: it is about being in alignment with oneself. Success is personal, and personal success will differ from person to person.

This is where society gets it wrong, for we tend to believe that success looks the same for everybody, and this simply isn’t the case.

Each of us has personal desires, and it is true that these desires are born through feeling lack, or observing things that we do not want. These desires are unique, and we cannot fully comprehend another’s desire, meaning we cannot fully comprehend (or define) another’s success.

We often look at others and believe that they are more successful than us– yet just because somebody has what you want doesn’t mean that they have received it from the standpoint that you are coming from. One might be born into wealth, and another born into poverty. The one who is born into poverty desires wealth and decides that the one who was born into wealth is more successful than them. Wealth is circumstantial to the one who was born into money, and so their desire will be something different. Their idea of success might be a stable, loving relationship. Let’s say the man who was born into poverty has been happily married for 10 years. The wealthy man will look to the poor man and see success. We assume that those who have what we desire started from the same place that we did, but everybody has their own journey. Our points of attraction are different, therefore it isn’t what you have or who you are that makes you successful, it is your ability to align with your unique desires.

Success is a thing to begin with because our mutual purpose as humanity is self-actualisation. We desire to be the best, most complete version of ourselves. It isn’t the desires alone– it is the fact that you always feel good when you are in alignment with what you want and who you have become, and these good feelings bring you closer to your true self, who is is joyous, loving and all-knowing.

“Success is alignment; focused thought, control of the thoughts I think, feeling my emotions and guiding my thoughts deliberately toward the greater being that is me.”

– Abraham Hicks

In summary, you need to define your own success and ignore what the others are doing. Ever heard the expression ‘follow your joy’? Your emotions are your guide, and if you endeavour to follow your joy, you cannot go far wrong. I have therefore come to lean on the following definition:

Def. 3: Success= Alignment with ones true self

How can I practice self-love?

We’ve seen enough self-help books to know that self-care, or self-love, should be at the top of our list. Yet, what does it actually mean to practice self-love?

 

Self-love has been on the agenda for June 2020. The idea developed thanks to some fresh insight that I gained by listening to my body.

“I listen to my body’s messages with love”

– Louise Hay

I have recently had a tendency towards headaches. I’ve never been a ‘headachy’ person; I’ve never had a migraine. I am also worse than a dude with a case of the man-flu when it comes to pain tolerance, meaning my poor partner has had to put up with my moaning. I’m an impatient person and it wasn’t long until I was hustling for a solution, and this was when I turned to Louise Hay.

In Hay’s book, ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ (which I highly recommend), she has an extensive table of health problems with their probable causes and solutions where she explores the psychological aspect behind the various dis-eases that manifest in us physically.

I had a look to see what she had to say about headaches. ‘Oh yeah…’ I said aloud, for I recognised it as soon as I read it. Headaches, according to Hay, are a result of denying or invalidating the self; of self-criticism and fear. I was already aware of the turbulence I had been experiencing of late when it came to self-acceptance, and I understood that this was my body’s way of saying, “hey there! Give yourself a fucking break, and give me some lovin’!”

Self-care is an easy one to slide off of the agenda, yet it is deeply necessary. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves– yet many of us tend to look outside of ourselves in our search for love, intimacy and validation, and this rarely has the ability to satisfy us.

Take a look in the mirror, and your best friend and soulmate is staring right back at you. We usually have a bone to pick with that reflection, and this is what causes us to turn and look the other way.

If there’s one thing that has been evident in this time of lockdown, it’s been that nudge towards self-reflection that is inevitable as a result of restrictions. I believe that this recent pandemic came about to encourage a stripping away of sorts as we seek greater authenticity, truth and personal growth. Now is the time to re-connect with yourself. (Well… it’s always a good time to re-connect with yourself.) Heal your relationship with yourself, and the loneliness and emptiness will gently dissipate.

That’s all very well to say. We’ve seen enough self-help books to know that self-care, or self-love, should be at the top of our list. Yet, what does it actually mean to practice self-love?

I think, simply, you practice self-love whenever you take time to nurture yourself.

Think about a best friend or a partner. What is it that you do to maintain a healthy relationship with that person? You seek to support and care for them, to show them respect and loyalty, or even to have a laugh. You can practice all of these things with yourself as you build that same sense of intimacy, trust, love and care.

Sometimes I imagine that I am relating to myself as a separate being (and I promise I’m not crazy.) I imagine that I am spending time with myself as if ‘myself’ were my partner, or even a younger version of myself. I find that this can help me to transfer that same tendency to love and to care, for it can often be harder to treat ourselves with compassion and kindness than it can others.

Here are three simple practices I’ve been working on adapting in my desire to amplify my relationship with moi:

1. Take the time to be present with yourself

You owe it to yourself to enjoy the life that you’ve created for yourself. Everyone likes to feel seen and heard. It occurred to me recently that we can validate ourselves; we do not have to wait for others to give us time and attention. And so, I’ve simply begun to carve out ‘Sarah-time’ where I endeavour to be present, as well as spontaneous. I do anything that I feel like doing with that time, whether it’s: go for a walk with myself, go and have a cup of coffee with myself, meditate, write, read, listen to music or go to the park. With myself.

2. Speak words of kindness

Have you ever considered this? Some of the things that we say to ourselves, we would never say to anybody else. We so easily call ourselves ‘a stupid idiot’ or ‘fat’ or a ‘lazy bastard.’ Yet, imagine if we just went around saying these things so haphazardly to others? We would either have no friends, find ourselves regularly covered in bruises, or both.

The reason that we don’t say these things to others is obvious: it’s extremely hurtful and damaging. Therefore, why do we let ourselves get away with this kind of negative self-talk?

Be mindful of the way you speak to yourself.

The way I’ve started this practice is by paying myself compliments throughout the day, telling myself I’m doing a good job, etc. I also make regular use of affirmations. If you keep a journal (or more specifically, a gratitude journal) I will occasionally spend time appreciating myself: my favourite qualities, things that I have done that day that I am proud of or glad for. It is common to look outwards when practicing appreciation, focusing on the people in our lives and our physical environment. What can be a much more powerful exercise, is practicing appreciation for yourself.

“Appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to Source energy*”

– Abraham Hicks

*Source energy= God energy, alignment with the Higher Self

3. Treat yo-self

Take yourself on a date.

The other day, I had to get a couple of things from the shops. I decided to dress up a little, just for myself, and I began my shop with a half hour coffee break. I don’t often sit down for a coffee, particularly without the company of others, so this simple little activity really felt like a treat.

I’ve heard it said before that you can ‘gift’ yourself on a daily basis. This could mean a physical gift (though this might empty your savings quickly!) or it could mean putting those extra flourishes on your breakfast to make it feel special.

We’re aiming for those warm-fuzzy feelings here. You don’t have to help an old lady cross the road to get those feelings; you can help yourself cross the road and… Well, that might not give you warm-fuzzies, but hopefully you get where I’m going…

You cannot give from an empty cup, and this means that it is okay to be selfish. Once your cup is over-flowing, you will naturally want to give to others.

Take the time to nurture yourself, for at the end of the day (meaning the end of your life) you are the only one that you really have to answer to. It’s between you, and you.

5 healthy ways to engage with social media

Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your needs and is consumed in moderation. Here are 5 suggestions to help you to engage with social media in a healthy way.

 

Following a one year hiatus, I have recently returned to Instagram.

This time last year, I put a halt to social media altogether, all-too aware of the anxiety I was feeling as a result. Like many, I’ve been prone to using social media in my search for validation, and any perceived messages of rejection as a result of too few ‘thumbs up!’ had me crawling under the doona with my hands over my eyes. I felt humiliated and low all too often, and I do not regret giving it the flick; it was the right thing for me at the time.

Returning to social media, therefore, has been a very careful choice, and a decision that I have not made lightly. I deliberated over the pros and cons, and eventually decided that it’d do me good to re-engage, for social anxiety does not simply dissipate by using a technique of avoidance. I decided to confront my social anxiety, and I aim to do so with self-love and discipline. I can already see the contrast in the way I am using social media now as opposed to a year ago, and that hindsight has lead me to see that social media doesn’t have to be detrimental to my mental health. I just have to decide how I’m going to use it.

Here are five things I suggest considering when looking to engage in social media in a healthy way:

1. Ask why

Why use social media? Is it to connect with family and friends who live in a different city to you? Is it to stay connected with family and friends who live in the same city? Is it to market your business, or brand, or yourself? Are you an artist? Do you love to cook and want to share your home cooking ideas? The reasons could be endless… Ask anyone, however, and you’ll get a positively-stated reply. Not many people would admit, for instance, that they feel lonely and use social media for those little dopamine hits that feed them with perceptions of popularity. Herein lies the power of the mind: it works as a duality. We think we mean one thing, but we actually mean another:
‘I just want to stay connected with my friends’, says your conscious mind, ignoring the scoff of that other voice in the darkness.
‘Nah you don’t’, says the subconscious mind, ‘you fear you’ll miss out if you’re not online. We’re insecure, remember? Will your friends really value you if you don’t post that selfie of you and your cat? Do it! You need the likes and comments. I promise it’ll make you feel better…’

Most people have some ulterior motive going on in terms of the reason they use social media, whether they are aware of it or not. It’s important to consider what it might be for you. This isn’t to make you feel bad, or guilty, or whatever… It’s to ensure you’re not encouraging negative habits of thought. By engaging in social media to ensure you feel better, or more loved, valued, etc, you only strengthen the opposing thoughts underneath.
If you want to connect, or market yourself, then great, but ensure you’re not doing so to satisfy those niggling thoughts that say you’re not good enough.

2. Define your purpose

I had to step away from Instagram for some time before I felt sure that I could engage in a way that didn’t tend to my negative self beliefs. The first thing I did (after identifying why social media was making me feel bad, of course) was re-define my approach. The thing that brought it together for me was the concept that social media could be a means of service to others. All these years, I had been making it about me. I was using it to gage my worthiness, a measuring stick to prove whether I was, in fact, as insignificant as I believed deep down that I was.

I came to realise (with a little help from a friend) that this didn’t have to be about me. Just because I wanted to share my ideas, didn’t mean that I had to make it so personal. ‘Take validation out of the equation’, she said. And I realised that she was right.

I decided that it could be about sharing, about truly connecting to others. It could be about spreading positivity and hope and joy. None of these things have anything to do with my worthiness as an individual, for how I feel about myself is actually a very personal thing. That relationship should stay between me, and me. I don’t need to share a selfie to feel lovable. I should be able to look in the mirror and just see it for myself.

Take your power back. Nobody else has the right to determine who you are and what you are about; that is for you to decide.

3. Don’t spread yourself thin

Quality over quantity, my friend. Imagine a spoonful of peanut butter. Would it be better if it were spread over one slice of bread or five? Using one spoonful of peanut butter to cover five slice’s of bread is what I’d call spreading yourself thin. Respect your time and energy by setting yourself boundaries. I mean this in reference to:

a) The social media outlet(s) that you choose to use:

Personally, I find it overwhelming to think I should be on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter AND LinkedIn… Not to mention Snapchat and TikTok and God knows what else. I decided, therefore, to invest my time and energy in just one for the time-being. I released any pressures of expectation, or social pressures as to ‘what is the next big thing?’ If I learned anything from my hiatus from social media, it’s that FOMO wasn’t actually a thing. My life wasn’t compromised because I wasn’t engaging in the latest on TikTok. If anything, I appreciated just how much more time I had to focus on other things, many of which bought be greater joy and satisfaction.

If you believe in quality over quantity, then sometimes it can be better to put all of your eggs in the one basket. I decided to simply start with Instagram, for it was the one that inspired me the most. If you care about utilising your energy, then I’d recommend being selective. Not all of them are worth your time.

b) The amount of time you spend on social media:

It’s all too easy to pick up your phone and have a cheeky scroll. Our phones are basically an extension of our arm in this day and age, so checking your notifications can come as naturally as scratching your nose. It didn’t take me long to re-engage with this old habit when I returned to the world of Instagram. I found myself making up for old stalking time, which subsequently invited negative thought patterns back into town. Once I realised this, I got disciplined. I was determined not to let myself re-engage with old habits. I decided to set myself a couple of rules, the first of which was to dedicate a specific time of the day to social media usage. In that way, I can ensure I am engaging with social media more purposefully, whilst respecting the healthy habits I adopted for my idle time whilst in my hiatus.

4. Filter

And no, I don’t just mean your pics.

One thing that has massively helped for me is being selective with who I follow. I didn’t want my news feed to trigger anxiety or depression anymore. I want my news feed to inspire me, and encourage me in positive ways. The great thing about most social media platforms is that we have that choice: we can decide what we do and don’t want to see. If that means you don’t follow some of your friends, then so be it. Or perhaps you can consider unfollowing Kim Kardashin? We all love a bit of celebrity gossip, but at the end of the day, does it make you feel good or bad?

5. Get real

Make sure social media isn’t the only means you have for engaging with people. To build meaningful relationships, it is important to be able to connect in real life.

One of my main concerns when I decided to leave social media was that I’d lose touch with friends. But then I realised: what kind of friends would my friends be if they stopped talking to me just because I’m not on Facebook? I decided to trust that the true friends in my life would pick up the phone and call, or send me a text, or find some other way to reach out. This ended up being the case.

As I have already mentioned, FOMO didn’t end up being a thing. Anything that was of value to me, I found out about. I maintained a social life, and I was still involved in the things that mattered. Anything or anyone that didn’t make it to me mustn’t have been necessary, for I trust that they would have found a way.

Authenticity is the key here. We all know that social media can be fake.

 

In summary, have awareness and be true to yourself. Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your (body’s) needs and is consumed in moderation.

 

When the pressure of expectations get too much

An exploration of the limitations felt by the pressure of internal and external expectations.

 

I desire freedom more than anything else. I want to break free.

Yet– what is this feeling? This restlessness, angst, irritation. I get angry easily and I throw things. I cry at the drop of a hat. I wish to scream, to tear out my hair and to scratch at my skin. I do not wish to hurt myself, I only want to release this hurricane inside.

This must be the way a bird feels, trapped in a cage. The wings won’t stop– they long for the space that signals their freedom. The energy of their suppressed flight is dense and all-consuming. There is no outlet, only an impression of squishing and tightening in an effort to squash the tendency those wings have to expand. That unused energy is suffocating for it cannot be restrained. It can only be re-consumed in an effort to send it back to where it came from. That in itself could very well be the end of you.

If I were a bird in a cage, then my wings are either especially large (expansive) or built to encourage a very fast flight. The trapped energy that I feel has speed to it. I struggle to settle my mind, which runs at a hundred miles a minute. This could perhaps be the speed of a very, very fast vehicle taking me to faraway places of adventure, whilst my physical body remains here, sedentary. Stuck.

I want to be free! Well… innately, I am free. Therefore, I must want to break free. I am Freddie Mercury, seeking to live a life that is well beyond my current state of reality. I wish to break that cage, smash it to pieces, and burst forth loudly in a flourish of light, speed and excellence. I wish to feel overwhelmingly alive. I wish to feel free.

I’m tired of being who everyone wants me to be.
Actually, I’m tired of being who I think I want me to be. I’m so sick of trying to fit the various moulds or personas that I’ve carried in my mind all these years. ‘If I’m like this, then this person will love me… This person likes it if I’m like this… This other person will reject me if I don’t act like this.’ Lord Jesus, fuck off! These expectations are not fun anymore. I choose now to be like Gandalf, and I say “you shall not pass.”

When my mind is quiet and my soul is allowed to speak, it tells quite a different story. My soul doesn’t have expectations, it has only desires. These desires are gentle and suggestive. They do not demand action and they do not threaten to strip me of my worth if I choose not to pursue them. These desires (or longings) are for my happiness only; they are the very epitome of ‘follow your joy.’ They are not to satisfy my perception of others needs and wants in relation to Sarah Moon and who Sarah Moon must be.

All of these ideas of who I must be to be successful, to be loved and to belong… They have slowly been killing me. I care too greatly, and if I don’t stop now, then I fear it will be my undoing. It already undoes me, in the quieter times, when I am still and silent and can feel the consequences of the way in which I have been choosing to conduct myself. Everything is for the others, for their validation and love. Do they know that they are meant to be validating me? Probably not.

This energy that has been brewing (this spreading of wings) is a call for surrender. I open my mouth and a voice erupts, loud and clear. I scream, gesturing wildly to the heavens:

‘I have had enough! I do not want to do this any more. I want it to be simple, I want it to be fun, I want to be free! Let me go. Let me go, now, so that I can be who I have always actually wanted to be. This is not who I am. I do not want to be this anymore. It is making me deeply unhappy.’

As it releases, all goes quiet. A subtle sense of emptiness and a hint of inspiration remain. Above all, there is relief. God, could it be that I can actually live life just for myself? I do not have to live it for anybody else?

There is a catch. I have spent so many years leaning in to those perceptions of who I need to be, that any ideas of who I could otherwise be are vague. I need to get to know myself. I need to greet myself like an old friend, and catch up on all the happenings of the past 20 years or so. Who are you? Who am I? Who could I be? Who could I be… that is the preferable question, for really, the possibilities are endless. By choosing to live by one set of standards, we limit our potential. There are so many different paths we could take. I could be anyone.

I wish to lean in another direction, and that is towards a self that only I can truly know. I don’t want to be all the other things anymore. The actress, the black sheep, the dark, mystifying artist. The good girl, the easy-going girl, the girl who aims to be as neutral as possible so as not to upset others. The girl who is strong, the girl who is independent, the girl who is uneffected by anything. The one who is needy, the one who is lost, the one who doesn’t know who she is and what she wants. The one who hides, she is the one I despise the most, and she hides behind all of these things. She hides for fear of upsetting the human race with her presence. She tells herself, ‘it’s okay, they don’t have to know who I truly am, for one day they will and I can be free.’ This is a lie, and an act of cruelty inflicted upon myself.

The suppression will kill me quicker than an observing crowd. For here’s the secret: the observing crowd (the rest of you out there) probably won’t care about me nearly as much as I think you will. I deprive myself more than I will likely upset any one of you, and I am sick of being starved.

I just want to be me, and for that to be enough.

 

A letter to my younger self

All the things I’d say to my younger self, given the chance. 

 

To you,
Young, vulnerable you.

I may be a little late in doing so, but there are some things I wish to tell you. I speak from the future, because it is only with hindsight that clarity is truly achieved. I speak from that part of you that is whole and all-knowing, who loves you unconditionally and desires the very best for you.

I see you. I see your heartache and your longings. I see your sadness and the disappointment. I see that you have an innate ability to be free– but that as you grew up in this world, your ability to act on this freedom became more restrained. This isn’t your fault; this is simply the way of the world. We are meant to lose our way, for it is in this contrast that we come to strengthen our knowing of who we are.

I see that you doubted your value. I see that you were lonely. You longed for validation, love and appreciation, for somebody to affirm how special you are. You didn’t receive this– at least not in the way that you desired. It fractured your heart, which was created to be whole. You looked at the others, thinking “why can’t I belong with them?” You felt that you were different, out of place and misunderstood. “What do I need to do” you thought, “to be more like them? To feel that I belong? To feel that I am wanted?”

I want to let you know, little one, that it was simply not your time just yet. It was a time for contrast, and a time of observation. You suffered, but it all played out the way it did for a reason. I know this doesn’t help you, or cause the loneliness to cease…

I want to reach out to you now, to let you know that you are not alone. You were never alone– you were simply isolated by the sadness and a lack of ability to know.

Truly, it is through contrast that the best gifts come forth. Should I have been able to reach into your mind then, I would have reassured you of this. I would have held your hand and spoken words of comfort. I would have made you laugh and promised you that everything would be okay. Everything will be okay, I’m telling you so now.

Throughout these times of sadness, you developed a tendency to dream. A part of you knew of your value, because you projected it into your future. “When I get there” you said, “then they will see me. I will belong, I will be loved, I will be free.” This dream became your tether of hope, for without it, you struggled to see a life worth living.

There are two things I want to tell you here:

Firstly, you did not need to suffer to bear this dream. It has lived within you despite your circumstances.

Secondly, the dream is separate from your suffering; your desire to be loved, seen and heard. All these years, it has seemed that they are the same thing. Your beliefs about your unworthiness are buried into the roots of your dream. These painful beliefs exist for you so long as your dream is unfulfilled.

It does not have to be this way, because your unworthiness is not an actuality. The sadness and the loneliness– it exists and it is valid, but only because of your doubts. You developed these ideas about yourself, and they were a lie from the start.

You are not misunderstood– you are unique.

You are not lonely– you are independent.

You are not unworthy– you are worthy beyond comprehension.

You are not unloved– you are lovable beyond comprehension.

Your external circumstances do not reflect your worthiness. If you had known this at the time, then you would not have suffered. You would have continued to play and be free, knowing that you are you, and that is enough.

And so, where do we go from here?

I ask you to lean on me, for I am here to carry you forward. You have been mistaken in thinking that you are in this alone.

The dream continues; it always will, for you have spent too much time contemplating it for it not to come into fruition. Nonetheless, it must no longer be your tether. A dream should never be sought for the purpose of proving your worthiness.

And it is time to let go now. Let go of the sadness, the loneliness and the need for validation. The dialogue now must be:

“I am enough, I am lovable, I am free. I accept myself, just as I am. All of this is inherent in me.
I got there; I am already here. I never needed to look any further than myself.
I have absolutely nothing to prove. I dream because I love to dream, and I live life purely for the joy it gives me. I live for myself, and nobody else.”

It is okay to let go, I give you permission. Fall and trust that I will catch you, for you’ll find that when you look back, I have in fact always been there.

We’ve got this, I promise.

With love from your future self.

Recognising when you’ve given your power away

A reflection on the consequences of allowing my power to reside in the hands of another.

 

I have recently had the experience of coming back to myself.

I came to develop a relationship in my life in which it became evident over time that I was giving my power away to the other person in this relationship. I was weakened, made vulnerable and completely helpless to myself. This was a complete power play, in which I had swiftly become the loser.

It’s difficult to describe what I mean without going into detail–

I refer to a relationship; a relationship that was evidently more personal than it ever was professional, and professional it was supposed to be. To save on breaching conduct, I’ll expose the happenings through a metaphorical story juxtaposed to my situation.

A young girl desires love from her guardian. Orphaned as a child, she was rejected during a vulnerable time when her consciousness was still developing and she was absorbent, like a sponge. Through her abandonment, she became aware of the lack of getting what she wanted. She became aware of her deprivation and insecurity. The desire for love, nurturing and security grew stronger. Meanwhile, obstacles to her getting this love multiplied, narrowing her scope of belief in the likelihood of her ever receiving it.

One day, she meets a man. This man is kind to her. He listens to her and gives her a platform to feel heard. He validates her experiences and endorses her sense of worth every time that they meet. Being that her desire is so strong by this point and (concurrently) the depths of her feelings of deprivation for having a lack of it for so long, she becomes addicted to what he is giving her.

At first she is wary, but over time, she lets herself trust the love that the man is giving her. She opens and opens- yet at the same time, her addiction grows. She begins to suffer when she is not with him. She cries because she is made aware of the emptiness that she had become accustomed to prior to their meeting.

The contrast between the two is huge. She becomes dependent on him. Yet as she begins to need him, he starts to pull away. It is subtle at first, and bearable. Yet eventually, being deprived of his love only deepens her suffering. She cannot find another way to access it without him.

He eventually makes it clear to her that he cannot be the one to nurture and love her. Well, this is what he says, but his encouraging actions still speak of the opposite. He cannot help but enjoy being needed…

Through her desperation to ensure this new found love and life doesn’t come to an end, the girl breaks down boundaries in an effort to draw him back. She begins to take risks, each more dangerous than the last; compensating her safety and sanity just to get a taste of his love.

Now, as with all stories of change, there comes a breaking point:

The girls life is on the line. She toys with the idea of murder by her own hand; contemplates the notion of death as an out to her suffering. She has become so addicted to this man that she cannot remember how she lived before him? She is sure that there must be a future for her, but the pain of losing the love that she craved for so long feels unbearable. She would prefer to die than return to the emptiness.

On a particularly vulnerable Friday, she finds herself in the hospital Emergency Room. She had almost let life slip from her hands.

She should have left him now, but she couldn’t. She needed to know: did he mind that she could have died? Would it make him hold her closer?
He shows her care and concern, and she deduces that there is still hope.

The following week she goes to see him. He pulls her close, but not close enough. He leaves her hanging the following day, ignoring her calls and turning to face away. It is at this point that she feels she needs him the most. Her chest has been ripped open and she had trusted him to cotton wool the holes. She lay and bled in his absence, completely defeated and in despair.

By this point, however, the message was clear: she had basically passed him the sword. He held her life in his hands, and she had relinquished all control. The time had come to take her power back.

The decision came from a place deep within. She responded before the idea had completely formed in her mind.
“It is time for me to move on. This no longer serves.”
She preached her decision loud and clear.

At first she felt a surge of relief, combined with an injection of re-empowerment.

What followed were some of the darkest days. Cut off from the source, she had to detox. She grieved and was angry and longed to go back to him. Yet something within her stopped her well before she was at risk of reaching out. She had come to see that her time with him had an expiry date. It would no longer be possible for her fill herself with his love. Her sore heart could not be healed by another. Rather, she needed to learn to love herself.

She could comprehend it, but it was terrifying. She was at rock bottom and choosing to surrender to the dark. Would she be able to survive it? Yet with the help of that inner voice, she stuck firm to her decision and took heavy, courageous steps in an effort to piece herself back together.

Just days after it all went down, I found myself able to breathe once more. I resurfaced from the ocean, fresh and fiery and ready to fight. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for my strength to come back, and I attribute this to the solidity of my decision. Something powerful happens energetically when you make a definite and genuine decision to change. (This is opposed to sitting on the fence.)

I feel that this power play is a lesson that I have grappled with constantly over the years: I choose to let my power reside in others hands, when there is so much power within me. I deprive myself of love and joy and freedom by their hand. I wait for their permission or their validation. It’s a ridiculous way to live, really (all judgement removed.) For when I am empowered, and I turn inward for my source of validation and love, it is endless and infinitely more accessible.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

– Carl Gustav Jung

You don’t know how loved you are

A personal story. A reflection on being seen, and trusting that you are more loved and valued than you could ever possibly know.

 

I recognised her when I saw her– though I had never actually met her. I recognised her as one of my own.

We were on holiday. In an attempt to lift us both from the pits of suffering we were cowering in, my partner carefully selected a teashop in the mountains to take us to. This, we hoped, would help shift the clouds of anxiety and depression that were plaguing us. It had become apparent that our holiday wasn’t for relaxation, but was more so an opportunity to catch up with ourselves. Our minds had gone slightly haywire once given the time and space, and the processing weighed heavy.

She- the one I recognised- was running the cafe alone. She was big-boned and tattooed with cropped hair and a heavy expression. She scared me at first. She looked as though she might bite if provoked, and so I hung back, observing from a distance.

Based on appearances alone, I assumed she was gay. I put my arms around my girlfriend in the hope that she would soften, seeing that we were like her. We were “her people” (as Hannah Gadsby says…)

My attempts to reach her worked, somewhat, in that she smiled and asked how our drinks were when she bought us the scone we’d ordered. Looking down, I noticed a couple of thick scars on her arms. Here was evidence of something deeper stirring within her. Once she’d walked away I looked down at my own arm, still bandaged from a recent attack that I had had by my own hand. At that moment I remembered that she was hidden beneath the sharpness of her shell. The hard expression and strong physique were suddenly less offensive. I saw the sadness and vulnerability; a lost soul in desperate need of a fucking big hug.

It’s difficult to describe this next part, but I’ll give it a go:

As I watched her, seeing into her soul, I was struck with a sudden clarity. I could see how loved she was. I could see how worthy and perfect she was– regardless of the efforts she had made to (over time) construct a self that both physically and behaviorally repels others. I no longer bought into it. I could see how powerful she was. And free, as a creative Being that could be, have, or do anything. All at the same time, I could see how oblivious she was to what I was seeing. She likely couldn’t see or feel it at all.

You might think I’m a bit creepy by this point, but I persevere–

I wanted to leave her a note. I wanted to write her a little something on a piece of paper, saying something like this:

‘I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength. Thank you for still being here. I love you. You are more loved and valued than you could possibly ever know.’

I guess the creep factor caught up with me at this point, because I never left a note.

It did leave me thinking, however. Seeing what I saw in her– I wish I could see that in myself. I’m sure others look at me and see the same thing: how loved and perfect and worthy I am, just as I am.

This has stayed with me for some weeks. I’m finding it increasingly easy to look at others and see their wholeness. I suppose I’m looking at them through the eyes of Source.

[Source= God, a higher power, creative life force… Whatever you chose to call it.]

What I’m working on now, is to turn it back on myself; to look at myself through the eyes of Source. For if I can do that, it might just help to save me in this lifetime. I am sure I am more loved than I could ever possibly know.

13 reasons why I choose life over death

On a somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again …

 

Suicide prevention is difficult to get right.

I know because I’ve been suicidal, and I’ve been so recently.

I know enough about it all by now to have an awareness of the multitude of resources out there. I know of the strategies, suicide hotlines, crisis teams, therapists, friends… In this day and age it’s all at your fingertips really– everything that can keep you safe.

But having the ability to reach out when you’re at crisis point is another hurdle all together. I can have all the support in the world, but the decision ultimately resides with me. It’s between me, and me. Nobody else can live (or not live) my life. My life is my responsibility.

This is where suicide prevention reaches its limits. This is where the mind of one cannot be touched by another.

I hate saying this, because I hate hearing it. People want to be saved. I wish I could rely on somebody else to rescue me– but that just isn’t the way it goes.

My belief is that I chose this life experience. I had an understanding of what I was in for before I was birthed. I even helped design it. Therefore, I was prepared for the challenges and potential this life held for me.

Sometime towards the end of 2018 I hit one of my crisis points. Mid-breakdown, I sat sobbing on the floor of the apartment my girlfriend and I share.
“I can’t do this! Who thought I could do this? Who’s fucking stupid idea was this?!”
My girlfriend turned calmly and coyly and said, “well… yours. If you believe what you say.”
I began to laugh amidst my hysterics, because I knew she was right.
When I hit crisis point (which is code for my “I can’t do this anymore!” moments, by the way) the way up begins with me remembering that this story began and ends with me. I cannot be victim to this life experience.

And so, on this somewhat suicidal Friday, I compiled a list. I actually googled “why not suicide?” to try and find some valid reasons for myself yesterday. I found very little but for the aforementioned resources (numbers to call, chat groups.). And please don’t get me wrong– the resources out there are extremely valid, and I’m extremely grateful for the increase in awareness and support we now have for mental health. However, I was looking for something a little more specific. Evidence or good reason for life, I suppose. Hope and fresh insight. A means of connecting with others who were in the same position as me, knowing (because it’s often said) that: I am not alone. Considering my search didn’t bring the answer forward, I turned once again to me, and I thought up the reasons myself.

So without further ado, here’s my 13 reasons why. This is why I continue to choose life, over and over again:

1. I’ve got all of forever to be dead

Life fucking hurts sometimes and the idea of death brings a sense of relief. Unless you believe you’re going to hell.
So what, then, is the point of living if I can experience pure, eternal love and peace by choosing to re-emerge into non-physical?
Well, if I believe I’m eternal then I’ve got all the time in the world to experience good feelings later. My humanity, I can only experience now. Suffering is a very temporary and very specifically human thing to experience. To me, resurfacing from pain can feel like resurfacing after a wave crashes over your head. It can make me feel more intensely alive and satisfied at living a life fully; knowing what it’s truly like to live as a human-fucking-being. I might as well make the most of it while I’ve got the opportunity.

2. FOMO

Fear of missing out.
We are at the forefront of expansion here on planet earth. Being here and contributing (whether we think we are worthy of our existence or not) is worthwhile. These are ‘happening’ times where humanity is moving at a rapid pace. Believe it or not, this is the best things have ever been; it’s a great time to be alive. I want to see what happens. I want to be a part of it.

3. I’m meant to be here

I’m here for a reason, and when it’s my time to go I believe I’ll go naturally. I’m of value, and so it is my obligation to myself and others that I be here to see things out.

4. I have shit to do

(Relating to the above) I have stuff I want to do. I have things I want to create, changes I want to instigate, dreams to fulfil… And I am the only one capable of doing the shit that I need to get done. My unique perspectives and ideas cannot be accessed by another at this point in time.

5. I don’t want all the work I’ve done to be for nothing

It would be a shame for me to be lost. I have worked fucking hard to get to this point and I’ve created a multifaceted, intelligent, purposeful being.

6. I’ll miss my friends and family

I imagine it like a mass funeral, saying goodbye to everything and everyone that I love so so much; burying the lot. Once it’s gone, I can’t have it back. The concept of it breaks my heart. I do not want to say goodbye.

7. My friends and family will miss me

I may think I’m invisible sometimes; that I don’t have an impact. Yet I know that I am loved, even if I don’t feel it. I must have an impact, even if I don’t believe it. And I don’t want to hurt anybody. It is my intention to improve lives, not wreck them.
When one is suicidal, it’s really hard to consider others. People say, “they are so selfish. They don’t consider what they are doing to the people they leave behind.” But I understand. The pain is all consuming.
When I was in hospital after my first suicide attempt at 16, I had somebody say to me, “if you can’t live for yourself, please do it for me.”
I was lucky to have somebody say that. Not everybody has evidence such as these words to prove that they are valued.
If you believe that even one person benefits from your existence, it’s worth staying alive just for them.

8. My pet mice need me

I don’t have children… But being needed is valid. I chose to care for my little mice, and they rely on me to feed them and keep them safe.

9. My daughter needs me

I want to have a child. I believe my child is waiting to come into this world; pending until the right time. How will my daughter be able to be born if I’m not here to birth her?
(For the sake of the argument… my son would need me too. I just assume my first born will be a girl.)

10. I’ll miss the things I love

Life has the potential for so much joy. There are things I do on a daily basis that make me glad to be alive: music, driving, running, coffee, wine, laughing randomly with strangers or with friends. Make a list. These small things are beautiful, and they make it worth it.

11. I don’t want to have to come back and do it all over again because I was unable to learn my lessons this time around

I believe in re-incarnation. I believe that we have lessons to learn. I believe that if I bail early I’ll have to come back and do it all again in another life. It seems that I might as well keep plugging along now, considering I’ve made it this far already.

12. There is always tomorrow

… and tomorrow might be different.

13. I want to see my potential unfold

My curiosity gets the better of me. I have dreams, and I’m curious to know what my life could become. It could all fall to pieces. But I could also find a way to align with everything I’ve ever wanted.
I guess I’d rather die with regret than regret never having seen it to to the end.

 

End Note:
I understand that this article could be extremely confronting. Given that suicide is a topic I’ve become used to reflecting upon, I suppose I’ve become somewhat desensitised. I apologise if I’ve caused any distress.

Firstly, I want to reassure you that I am okay. I have faith in my journey and I have adequate support.

Secondly, please consider this a safe space if you share any of the same thoughts or feelings. You are not alone. Comment below; I would be keen to hear your thoughts about this topic. You can also reach out to me personally.
Alternatively, here is the number for Lifeline (Australia): 13 11 14
A list of international suicide hotlines can be found here>> http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines
There are people out there who want to help.
I hear you and know your pain. You’ve got this.