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SARAH MOON

Category: Self-Empowerment

The truth about resilience

Resilience is not something you’re born with – it’s what eventuates when you make a decision to persevere.

 

Resilience is not something you’re born with, it’s what eventuates when you make a decision to persevere.

There are ideas out there about resilience and the way it ties in with willpower that I believe are limiting and misconstrued. These ideas make resilience out to be a somewhat intangible quality, something that you either have or don’t have– which extends to the claim that willpower is genetic. The truth about resilience is that we each innately bare it and have the potential to develop it, and whilst there may be things that prevent us from embracing this quality, it’s much more tangible than I think some believe…

Why resilience?

Resilience is a revered quality due to it’s connection with success. When we believe we don’t possess resilience, or claim that our willpower is poor, we will also believe that this makes us unable to succeed in life. This is why I think it’s worth discussing.

Resilience is perseverance

This post is influenced by conversations had with my partner surrounding willpower. We were discussing exercise. I’ve been a regular runner since I was about 15 years old, and my partner Alex is beginning a new fitness journey that she finds challenging. Whilst listening to Alex talk about her doubts relevant to whether she can stick it out, I had a small epiphany.

“I don’t find running easy,” I said. “I find it difficult every time I run. I wasn’t born able to run 5K with ease, I just persevere. Perseverance is the only difference between you and me.”

My realisation was that Alex possessed some kind of idea around fitness that you either have it or you don’t. I think many (self-proclaimed) “non-athletic” people possess this idea, and this is why fitness is such a great example of resilience. I tend to think that if you’re going to set a goal, fitness is a great one to begin with because it is tangible. Everyone can reach a fitness goal, irrelevant of disability or physical condition, because the body is so adaptable. The only thing stopping you is your mind. (I’ll get onto that in a sec.) The truth here is this: athletic people aren’t necessarily ‘born with it’, they develop their ability through consistent effort; through perseverance, which is literally just a desire to keep going.

Resilience is NOT something you’re “just born with”

Societally, I think we like to believe that we are genetically fated because it gives us an out. As proven via scientists such as cell biologist Dr Bruce Lipton, however, we are not as genetically determined as some might have you believe. Genetic outcomes (the activation of certain genes) are determined by our subconscious environment and the beliefs we hold. (You can find out more about Dr Bruce Lipton and his work here: https://www.brucelipton.com/books/biology-of-belief/ ) There’s much I could speak about on the subject, but for the sake of this article, it all boils down to this: we each have the potential to develop resilience. It is a learned quality drawn from our innate ability as humans to adapt.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche

Resilience is gained organically through every experience that we choose to move beyond. You’re stronger than you think. You have greater willpower than you might believe. What, then, gets in the way?

The only thing stopping you from being resilient is your mind

Belief is the only thing stopping you from realising your resilience. Those who claim they have poor willpower usually hold beliefs about themselves such as I’m weak, I don’t have what it takes, I’m pathetic, etc, which in essence means that they don’t believe themselves worthy enough to succeed.

Going back to the example of my partner Alex, the difference between us is in the beliefs we hold about our physical resilience. I have been running a long time, and have developed faith in my physical capacities, which enables me to persevere under physical strain. Alex, on the other hand, has developed a belief that her body is fragile and susceptible to ‘breaking down’ under pressure, causing her to shy away from perseverance with exercise.

The only other thing stopping you is whether or not you truly give a f#$*

It’s hard to have the will to do something that you don’t actually care about. This is where you need to get honest with yourself in deciphering what your values are, and what you truly want.

Let’s say you love eating biscuits, and your partner says “you really need to stop eating biscuits because they aren’t good for you.” You agree so as to please them, but you’re not really on board with the idea, because you love biscuits and don’t see the problem with eating them. It’s going to be really difficult to resist biscuits, because it’s not what you want!

Or, to return to the exercise example: Perhaps you start running because you see other people doing it and you’ve heard it’s the best way to get fit, but you get really bored and find it difficult to persevere. Maybe the problem isn’t you, but running. You might find yoga is more your jam, or swimming, or team sports. If you love something, perseverance will come easily.

When we are unable to differentiate what we truly care about and what we feel we should be doing, we tend to get stuck in patterns of procrastination and frustration, where we berate ourselves for having “no willpower.” Perhaps the problem isn’t that you have no willpower; perhaps the problem is that you don’t really give a f#$* about that thing. (If you do think you give a f#$* but are still struggling to persevere, return to the point above about belief.)

 

In summary, willpower is not something you’re just born with; something some possess and others don’t. The truth about resilience is that we each innately bare it, and it’s developed via perseverance. Perseverance is a choice, which is made easy when we have positive belief in our abilities, and are pursuing activities or vocations that we give a f#$* about.

Work smarter, not harder

We are societally programmed to believe that hard work leads to success. Yet what if there is another way? An easier, more comfortable way?

When it comes to achieving what you want to achieve, working harder is not the answer.

Do you feel that it is?

You’re not alone.

We are societally programmed to believe that hard work leads to success. Yet, what if there is another way? An easier, more comfortable way?

The alternative is not to work harder, but to work smarter, where working smarter means being authentically, energetically aligned* with whatever it is you’re wanting.

This does not come from hard work, but from the ability to listen to our intuition, which speaks of what we need and what we are truly ready for at any point in time.

* By energetic alignment, I mean: the peace and ease we feel when our thoughts, feelings and intentions compliment and work in conjunction with one another. When we are aligned, we are closest to our true nature. When we experience positive emotion, this is evidence of alignment. When we feel negative emotion, we are misaligned and in an energetic state of resistance, working against our true nature.

Hard work often comes from feelings of fear and thoughts about our own inadequacy.

We fear we aren’t enough; we fear we are never going to get there, and so we push; slogging ourselves in an effort to overcome our anxieties. Running from something, nonetheless, will never make it go away. Be as productive as you like, but if you’re acting from a place of insecurity, the work will be energetically misaligned and breed further anxiety and dissatisfaction.

For your work to be smart work, the action needs to be inspired.

This comes from truly knowing your intentions. Listen to your emotions, they are your guide. Why do you want what you want? Are you taking action through fear, or through genuine inspiration? Are you denying any natural instincts in the process?

It’s not about doing hard work, it’s about doing the right kind of work. (Quality over quantity.)

Hard work is pointless if you’re out of alignment. If you’re feeling uncertain, fearful, overwhelmed, desperate or bad in any way, it would be a more productive use of your time to meditate, or to have a cup of tea, watch a movie, have a nap, play a game or visit a friend. (Anything that eases resistance and lifts your mood.) Believe it or not, this will get you closer to what you want than hard work. Why? Because life is energy, where like attracts like, and happiness attracts success more than effort.

The bottom line?

Work less, and spend more time doing the things that light you up.

You may just find that as you let go, you’ll come into alignment with everything you ever wanted.

If you’re a high achiever, you will likely feel lazy and anxious about taking your foot off the peddle. It might feel like you’re giving up.

Trust the process.

After years of hustling, I began to practice this for myself last year. Firsthand, I can attest that surrender opens doors. As I took my foot off the peddle, miraculously, opportunities came flooding in. Why? Because, rather than hustle for the things that I believed would make me more complete, I decided to be happy first– and happiness begets happiness!

“If being hard on yourself worked, it would have worked by now.”

–Unknown

 

Be easy about your life, and follow your joy. Joy is the answer.

 

Releasing unwanted thoughts and feelings

A simple, practical tool for releasing unwanted thoughts and feelings.

Today I want to share a practical tool that I have found extremely useful in releasing old, unwanted habits of thought and negative emotion. It is one of the foundational tools I teach when I work with an individual on shifting limiting beliefs. The tool can be thought of as a practical means of surrender, and is called going limp.

I was taught going limp at drama school, where we used it both personally and in our work, and honestly, it has changed my life.

Going Limp

What is it?

I guess you could call it a mental action. It’s a conscious request you make to yourself to surrender. Whilst the decision to go limp is a cognitive decision, the going limp itself is a feeling process.

Literally, to go limp is to relax. If your body is in a state of tension, being limp is the opposite: complete physical relaxation. As this is a mental action, to go limp is to relax mental tension (resistance in the way of thoughts and negative emotion.)

How do you go limp?

You need to train your mind to go limp, so at first, practice it like you would an affirmation. Say to yourself: I go limp, and feel into a place of mental relaxation. Whilst practicing, hold onto the impression of being limp for 10 seconds or so, then just let it go. Keep coming back to it, and over time, you will automatically recall the sensation of being limp as it becomes muscle-memory.

A metaphor for going limp is to imagine you are holding a bunch of balloons, and then you just let them go, allowing them to float away.

Going limp is to surrender control, and to simply allow what is. It is acceptance, like shrugging and saying to yourself: ‘okay’.

Going limp is not repression. It shouldn’t feel like you’re holding a cork under water, but quite the opposite: like letting go of a cork you’ve been trying to suppress, letting it bounce back to the surface where it wants to go.

It should feel easy.

Another metaphor for going limp is the way Hermione Granger deals with Devil’s Snare in the film version of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Upon contact, Devil’s Snare (a plant) wraps itself around it’s victim, threatening to suffocate it. The way to free yourself of Devil’s Snare is not to fight it, but to surrender to it. By releasing the struggle, Hermione becomes encompassed by the plant at first, but is then released by it and set free.

When to go limp?

Whenever you feel negative emotion or the presence of unwanted thoughts, you can go limp. When we experience negative thoughts and emotions, our usual response is to either engage with them, or to try and fight them. Both only give the thought or emotion more power. Like with Devil’s Snare, the more you struggle the stronger it becomes.

When you allow a thought or emotion to exist without trying to control it, you are actually saying “I see you, and I accept you for what you are, but I will not try to control you because I know you are just a thought/ emotion and you do not define me.” Through acceptance comes surrender, and the thought/ emotion is weakened, eventually setting you free.

I hope that you find this tool helpful. I welcome any questions if you’re wanting to find out more or are struggling to apply it. It’s a simple tool, but can sometimes take time to feel into. Nonetheless, it’s a game changer once you get the hang of it!

 

Photo by Sirirak Boonruangjak from Pexels

This too shall pass

On enjoying what you have now before it’s gone.

 

You may have heard the phrase “this too shall pass.” A reminder of life’s impermanence, and the inevitability of change.

We often use this expression to remind ourselves that the bad times will pass; times of suffering and turmoil. To remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how overwhelming life feels in this moment. It’s a great reminder in those times. Nonetheless, it’s interesting to consider the impermanence of all that we experience– the good and the uncomfortable– because you just never know what you’ll miss once it’s gone…

This is something I’ve been reflecting on for myself recently. As I’ve thought about the past, and my life over the past 10 years, I’ve been thinking about what I liked, what I disliked, what I’m glad for, and what I’d do differently if I could. There is a lot I’d do differently… but the thing that stood out to me was the fact that everything turned out okay. Despite my anxieties and the need to control things and predict outcomes, everything was always okay. It made me realise: we spend so much time worrying about where we are at (the problems we have) and fretting about the future, that we overlook all the good things about where we are at right now.

And so, I asked myself this question:

If I had known then that everything would work out, that I’d reach the destination regardless, what would I do differently?

Here’s my answer:

I’d let go more, relax and let myself have WAY more fun
I’d love the heck out of everything that I had whilst I had it: the friendships, the holidays, the flatmates, the experiences, even the lessons… Because I realise now that it was all impermanent. It’s gone now, and I can never have it back.

It may sound dramatic that I am having these realisations now, but I’d much rather have them in my 20’s than on my death bed– as is the experience of most.

Bonnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, wrote a book called “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” where she speaks of the common regrets shared amongst those facing their own mortality:

  1. To have lived a life true to myself, and not the life others expected of me.
  2. To have not worked so hard.
  3. To have had the courage to express my feelings.
  4. To have stayed in touch with my friends.
  5. To have let myself be happier.

My realisations about all of this, the “this too shall pass” has made me determined to approach my present life in a different way. I don’t want to die with regrets. I want to die knowing that I lived and loved fully, and appreciated every moment of my life as I lived it. And so, I’ve begun to ask myself now:

If I know for sure that 10 years from now, everything will have worked out for me, how would I approach life now?

My answer? In the same way that I wish I’d lived in the past. I would let go more, relax, have more fun and love the heck out of everything I have whilst I have it, knowing that it is impermanent. Because things could change tomorrow, or they could change in a couple of months time, and letting go of certain things scares me. Mortality IS frightening… But don’t hide from it. Embrace it and love what you have while it lasts.

“I want to feel my life while I’m in it”

–Meryl Streep

 

*To read more about Bonnie Ware and “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”> https://bronnieware.com/

-Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash 

Working with resistance

There are days when you’re in flow, and there are days when everything feels like an effort. How can you approach days where you feel resistance?

There are days when you’re in flow, and there are days when everything feels like an effort. I refer to the latter as experiencing resistance. If you take this literally, it’s like you’re putting all your weight against a boulder that just won’t budge. Or, you’re trying to swim upstream, pushing against the current.

I can often feel resistance in my body. I feel tense, knotted in my chest, heavy in my legs and sometimes my belly.

Mentally, I feel drained and angsty and frustrated. Sometimes I feel depressed, and sometimes I want to hide.

Honestly, these are the days when you just feel heavy and crappy.

Days like these can be really tricky to navigate– especially when you have obligations or plans for that day. You can’t just go back to bed; you need to persevere with the days events to a certain degree. Nonetheless, you don’t have to suffer your way through the day.

So, how can you approach these days? How can you work with the resistance? (Because if you can’t go back to bed, you’ve got to work with it.)

It’s natural to try and push through the resistance; to persevere as if nothing is wrong. If you take the boulder metaphor, however, this will often cause you to feel worse. You’re going to want to back off to a certain degree. Swimming upstream never got anybody anywhere. You’ve got to find a way to go with the flow.

First and foremost, don’t ignore how you’re feeling.

If you’re feeling crappy, there’s a reason for it. You don’t necessarily need to dig deep into the reason, but something’s going on and it doesn’t help to deny it. Denying it is swimming upstream. Acknowledge that you are feeling off. Allow it to be what it is. Allow yourself to be what you are: mess, frustrations, bad hair, bloating and all. 

Then:

Find out what you need.

Ask yourself: What do I need right now? What do I need today?

A need is likely not being met- hence why you feel crappy. You may not know what you need, so just find the next best thing.

It can be really simple. Sometimes, all you need is to sit for 10 minutes with a coffee. Or, you just need a really good laugh.

Maybe you need a break? Maybe you just need company; to meet up with a friend or family member and have a good chat and a giggle. To feel connected.

Maybe you need a rest? Perhaps it’s possible for you to lighten your schedule for that day or take the day off entirely.

When I feel like this, I often need to bring some fun into my day, or something that evokes the senses. On days like this, I have found myself:

  • grabbing coffee and sitting in the park
  • bribing myself with shorter work intervals and more frequent breaks
  • spontaneously driving up the coast to my favourite beach
  • texting a friend and meeting them for lunch 
  • taking myself on a date to the movies (with a cheeky glass of wine at the wine bar prior)
  • lying on the bed listening to moody music
  • watching stand-up comedy or a rom-com
  • sharing a tub of Ben and Jerry’s with my partner

Whatever works. Whatever reinstalls (even if marginally) feelings of comfort, peace, joy, love and ease. Just find the next best thing, and navigate the day as best you can.

“Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.”

– Maya Angelou

The power in letting go of who you think you should be

A personal experiment in surrendering to the flow of life.

 

“Let go of what you think you need, and what you really need will show up”

–Gabrielle Bernstein

This is my biggest experience as of late: letting go of who I think I should be in order to allow space for who I could be. There is so much relief and liberation in this experience. It’s not complete, yet I’m finding it such a valuable (and universal) lesson that I want to share what I make of it so far.

Hypothesis:

1. Life works better when you surrender control and go with the flow.

2. When you let go of your expectations of who you think you should be and what your life should be like, you open yourself up to greater happiness and abundance than you could ever otherwise create for yourself.

Why the decision to let go?

Honestly, I was exhausted. I was tired of chasing and hustling to be a version of myself that I once decided I needed to be in order to be happy.

I’ve never been able to sit still. I’m always working on something; toward something, whether that’s a better body, fame, status, wealth. Different facets, but all driven by the same unconscious need: be better, rise above. Prove yourself.

It’s great to have a dream– but, become too attached to it and you sabotage your own happiness at the expense of always living for a future you can never guarantee. Goals inspire action– yet, become too attached to the achievement of your goals and you risk perpetual feelings of inadequacy. The dilemma? Chasing a vision so hard that you forget to experience the life that is happening for you in this very moment. And, if your vision is skewed (like mine was) you deny yourself in the process. My intentions were not pure, but tainted by an idea that I needed to prove my worthiness and earn my love.

“If you can’t join them- beat them.” This had been my mantra since schoolgirl days, decided upon as a solution to endless days of suffering at my inability to belong. For me, worthiness and love sat on a pedestal alongside my one-day Academy Award, high above the heads of all those who never seemed to see me. I’ve been on a never-ending mission to reach that pedestal, believing that without it, I’m love-less and worthless.

I got tired– tired of failing, and sick of being denied love and happiness. My happiness was always pending, and after a while, the angst of waiting and of being denied grinds you down.

Furthermore, the more awareness I gained about my subconscious motivations, the harder it became to ignore them. All it took was for me to reach an eventual tipping point, whereby my craving for happiness outweighed my need for validation.

Most of us live in this way (hustling for happiness and worthiness that we believe exists outside of ourselves.) For me, comprehending how I was living in this way was one thing, whilst having the courage to surrender is another.

Surrendering who you think you should be

It takes courage to give up your own expectations of who you think you should be, for it’s frightening to consider the consequences. Who will I become? You’re wrangling the unknowns. What will become of me? We fear that if we stop running and fighting, the very things that we are running from will catch up to us and envelope us, defining us in new ways (a failure, a loser, a nobody, unlovable, etc.)

For me, I was so fed up that I figured I had nothing to lose. I realised that I wasn’t necessarily becoming more lovable and worthy amidst all my efforts, hence, what was the point in knocking on the same door day after day?

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

–Albert Einstein

There’s something else too: I know by now that searching for love and validation outside of oneself is never the answer. I know that my efforts to prove myself were bunk, for how true were the beliefs about my lovability (or perceived lack thereof) in the first place? Probably not true at all. I came to comprehend that I had spent years chasing something that didn’t need to be chased.

“I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they ever dreamed of so they would know that’s not the answer.”

–Jim Carey

A lesson in faith

There is a certain liberation in uncertainty when you choose to embrace it rather than fear it. New Covid restrictions in Sydney aided my decision to let go. With nowhere to go and no way of knowing when certainty would return, I was able to lean into the uncertainty more easily.

Practical steps I’ve taken as I let go

1. I’ve given up on things that I have come to realise I don’t really want.

This has included a long list of projects and endeavours that I came to see I felt more burdened by than inspired by. Once erased from my schedule, this left me with very little to do. But for the occasional bout of anxiety, my cluttered schedule is not missed, for I’ve shed projects that I’ve come to see were never meant for me in the first instance– at least not at this time.

2. I’ve prioritised solid self-care practices to help me tune into my intuition.

This currently includes a daily practice of yoga, journalling, meditation and exercise, and helps me stay connected to the subtle inner guidance that leads me towards my true path at this time.

3. I am practicing following my joy.

I’m asking myself regularly: what do I find fun? What brings me pleasure? Joy begets joy, and so I figure: if I want to manifest true happiness and abundance, I must first seek out the things that bring me joy.

4. I’m handing my dreams over to the universe.

I can no longer carry the burden of trying to control my future. As such, I’m handing it over to a higher power, whilst choosing to trust that my inner being will guide me toward my highest good.

Conclusion:

Expectations carry a lot of weight, and the lightness I feel from having released the shackles is the most noticeable difference so far. My anxiety has reduced, and I feel a greater sense of peace and freedom. This is a process nonetheless, and the night is young.

“Whatever will be will be”

–Aaliyah

 

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Control what you can, surrender what you can’t

By choosing to control what you can – and only what you can – you take your power back.

 

I’m an advocate for self-empowerment. It is the cornerstone of my teachings and my own self-development journey.

What does it mean to be self-empowered?

Essentially: To be in control, or to have autonomy over oneself– extending (but not limited) to self-beliefs, emotions and actions.

In empowering yourself, bear in mind the following:
Control what you can, surrender to what you can’t (control.)

We cannot control our external environment: other people and our future.
We CAN control out internal environment: our thoughts and emotions.

When we fail to take control of our inner world, we become victims, powerless to circumstances, the actions of others and even to our own thoughts and emotions.

You have more control than you think.

To be self-empowered is to govern yourself and your inner world.
By choosing to control what you can (your personal life) you take your power back– And there is so much power to tap into when your really get to know yourself. All of the peace, fulfillment and love that you desire resides within.

What you can’t control:

1. The specifics of how your future will pan out, including: job opportunities and world events.

2. The way in which you change or influence others, if at all.

3. The thoughts, actions and behaviours of others.

Therefore: LET IT GO, and focus on that which you can control.

What you can control:

1. The thoughts you have in response to something that has happened.

2. Your emotional state. Your emotions are autonomous to begin with– but you have the power to shift them once you’re aware of them.

3. The way you spend your time. The self-empowered person makes time for activities that bring them personal fulfillment on a regular basis– in this way, directly influencing their health and sense of freedom and happiness.

 

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”

-Arthur Ashe

Be part of the solution, not a part of the problem

The more we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, the more we permit others to do the same.

 

“Be part of the solution, not a part of the problem.”

– Stephen R. Covey

What does it mean to be part of the solution, not a part of the problem?

It means being willing to stand out from the crowd, and to be potentially greeted with adversity or judgement.

It means being courageous as you stand by your values, whilst having faith in the bigger picture (the solution.)

It takes strength and a willingness to return (over and over) to that which feels authentically true to you.

 

But first– here’s why I’ve been reflecting upon this:

From time to time, I have a realisation that I am hard-wired to not belong. I have things about me that stand out, and which I have spent my life trying to repress and reshape. I’m one of those people who never felt like they truly fit in at school. I’m idealistic, opinionated and ambitious. I fall for complexity over simplicity and adventure over security. I’m sexually fluid, occasionally outspoken, I didn’t go to university, I don’t have a 9-5 job, I’m not particularly interested in marriage and my future children may or may not come about as a result of IVF.

I often wish that I were ‘normal’, and that I was able to blend in with the crowd. Life would certainly be easier if I were straight with a boyfriend and a secure job with a dependable income and a mortgage and a small group of close friend and a dog and no reason to stand out.

Wouldn’t it?

The more I think about it, the more I come to think that maybe none of us truly belong…

This gives even more reason to be a part of the solution, for the more we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, the more we permit others to do the same.

What does it mean to be a part of the problem?

Trying to change who you truly are in order to belong.

For me, this whole concept best presents itself in the way of body image:

Since adolescence, when I first began to develop, I’ve been in denial about my body shape. My body has always been fairly strong, and whilst I’m not by any means overweight, I’ve always felt that my body is too ‘big’. I’d look at pictures in magazines of models with zero curve nor body fat and I’d tell myself that in order to be truly accepted, I must undergo a metamorphosis of sorts. The effort I’ve made to transform my body via diets, exercise and by only wearing particular clothing has plagued me for the majority of the past 12 years. As I said– I’m not overweight, yet I feel that my curves and strength betray me. They make me stand out just that little bit too much. If I were smaller, I wonder, then perhaps I’d blend in?

Body image is undergoing a revolution, and diversity is beginning to be portrayed in the media. Nonetheless, we still have a way to go.

By denying my body, I deny others who have the same type of body as me. By trying to change it, I contribute to the problem.

For me, being a part of the solution is to embrace my body as it is: a body that is perfectly feminine and strong, but that doesn’t fit in in terms of media standards. For I know that it’s a relief to see somebody on screen or in the media who looks like you. It makes you think “well if they can do it, so can I.”

What does it mean to be a part of the solution?

There are others out there who need you to be you, for it reassures them that there is no reason to be ashamed of who they truly are.

Essentially, this means: don’t try to change who you are in order to fit in.

Embrace who you are, for the sake of your own peace of mind, but also for the liberation of all humanity.

Embrace your body and your flaws.

Embrace your mental health and your struggles.

Share your stories and opinions (but don’t be a troll.)

Take down the shield and allow yourself to be seen.

We are all tired of pretence, aren’t we? It’s exhausting and prompts separation among us.

To be a part of the solution is to release the need to add filters and photoshop your life. None of us are flawless and nobody is the same. Wouldn’t it be a relief is we could all stop pretending that perfection exists and that life is a one-size-fits-all?

The more we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, the more we permit others to do the same.

What it means to live in a state of surrender

Energetically, surrender is a place of acceptance, open-mindedness and intuition. If you begin here, any action you take will be more aligned.

 

Today, I’m reflecting on what it means to live in a state of surrender.

To clarify first and foremost, surrender is NOT giving up.

Surrender is letting go, going with the flow, releasing.

There is that classic image of the soldier putting down their weapon and throwing their hands in the air, saying ‘I surrender.’ To run with this image, the action of surrender shows a willingness to put down one’s weapons and give up the fight. Maybe it’s to declare victory to a more powerful force, or to welcome the possibility of a new way of going about the fight. Nonetheless, giving up the fight is exactly what I’m getting at.

When we are fighting, we are in the hustle. We are working and doing, using our productivity and power of force to make things happen. The idea here is: If I work hard enough (if I put in enough time and muscle) I will get to where I want to be going. Energetically, this is the epitome of the masculine.

To give up the fight is to embrace BEING rather than DOING. It is to honour the flow, and the cyclical nature of life. It is to trust in the guidance of a higher power; to know that you’re not going this alone. It is to give up control, in realising that control is an illusion to begin with. Energetically, this is the epitome of the feminine.

The key, I believe, is to finely balance both, but to always start with surrender. Energetically, surrender is a place of acceptance, open-mindedness and intuition. If you begin here, any action you take will be more aligned and purposeful.

Here are three ways you can practice surrender:

1. Begin each day with surrender

The idea is to find that place (emotionally) of ease and acceptance right off the bat. You set the tone for the day first thing in the morning. How you achieve this is up to you. Perhaps it’s making a cup of tea and enjoying it with a book. Maybe it’s going for a walk. For me, it’s journaling and meditation.

2. When you find yourself in the fight, put down your weapon

This takes mindfulness as you go about your day. Literally, this may mean walking away when you find yourself in conflict with somebody. Stopping to grab some water or fresh air when you’re overworking and tying yourself in knots. Noticing when you’re stressed and pausing to breathe. It may even mean taking the day off to rest and release.

3. Pause regularly to appreciate

Appreciation is vibrationally the best and quickest way you can practice the energy of acceptance. Appreciation can be practiced by simply acknowledging the things that you love about your life right now, and looking for things in your immediate environment that please you.

If it feels easy, it probably is. If it feels hard, you’re likely overthinking it.

Surrender is a feeling process. It is matter of learning to lean on your emotional guidance and intuition over force and action.

Meditation is one of the best ways of practicing surrender. Follow this link to download my free 7 minute ‘happy place’ meditation for freedom and calm.

 

How to stop comparing yourself to others

Comparison to others is natural and serves a purpose, but it can also get the better of us. How do we better deal with comparison when it takes over?

 

I find comparison to others be a constant battle. (The prompt for this post was a need to nut out my own anxieties around the subject.)

Wouldn’t the road of life be easier if there was no competition?

I quite like the idea of being alone in the world, with no one beside me to size myself up against. Without the pressure of another’s existence, I can imagine that I would be quite content to do, be and have whatever I please, for there would be no measure but my own internal guidance system. There would be no time pressures and no fear of failure, because the time I took and the mistakes I made would be relevant only to myself.

When we compare ourselves to others, we are assessing the similarities or dissimilarities between us and them. Comparison is a natural thing to do, for we humans are all about belonging, and comparison contributes to our need to assess where we fit in with the rest of the tribe (society.) My theory then, is that comparison is directly linked with a fear of not belonging.

What if we could have both? What if we could be sure of our place in this world (belonging) whilst also maintaining the impression of living only for ourselves?

Comparison serves a purpose, which I believe you can harness to work for you rather than against you. To clarify, therefore, this post isn’t necessarily about stopping comparison for good, but rather, about adjusting your relationship to comparison so that it causes less harm.

Everything in life is a matter of perspective. In pursuit of greater empowerment, freedom, joy and authenticity for myself and my readers, I desire to crack open the topic of comparison. Here are my 5 tips to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Positive emotion is your compass

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

–Theodore Roosevelt

Basically, it makes you feel crap when you compare yourself to others, and this is because it takes you out of alignment with yourself.

Imagine that you are encompassed by a vortex of energy. Another mental image for this could be a tornado. Encompassed by this rapidly rotating whirlwind of energy is all that you are; your unique standpoint. Your individual dreams, desires and needs; your tendency to love and be joyful; your ecstasy and abundance. Abraham Hicks calls this your “vortex of creation.” I liken it to your individual ‘God’ energy, or Higher Self. This is who you truly are.

Our emotions serve as a guide, where the better we feel, the more aligned we are with our Higher Power. Positive emotion, therefore, is your compass.

When you step outside of your unique vortex of creation, you often feel bad.

When I compare myself to others, I feel worthlessness, despair and doubt. These emotions are at the lower end of the emotional scale, indicating that I am not vibrating at the frequency of my all-loving authentic self, where all is always well.

When you turn to another for guidance in the form of comparison, the suffering you feel is real. I think of it as your Higher Self looking down on you, like, “excuse me! Over here. Y’all are looking in the wrong direction!”

2. Those that you envy are your expanders

When you envy somebody, it is because you recognise that they have something that you desire. If you didn’t desire it, you wouldn’t feel envy. This is because the opposite of genuine desire (love) is indifference. The fact that you have desire regarding something is evidence that that thing already exists in your vortex* of creation.

*To clarify, the vortex of creation is the “place” where everything that you desire to bring forth into your reality is realised in it’s vibrational form.

Here’s where you can shift your perspective. Rather than envy somebody for the thing that they have that you want, recognise this as evidence that your desire already exists as a vibrational reality. This is all a matter of mindset.

When we feel envious, we are experiencing resistance to our desire. We feel envy because negative self-beliefs have been triggered. We therefore feel negative emotion rather than positive emotion when we think about the thing that we desire. If the negative self-beliefs weren’t there, then our desires would be accompanied by emotions of excitement and positive expectation.

There is a lesson, therefore, in those that you envy, and this is why I call them your expanders.

The bottom line?

Think of comparison as a potential for growth rather than evidence of your failure.

3. In comparing yourself to others, you deny yourself

It sounds cliche, but it is totally relevant and totally true:

“ Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”

– Oscar Wilde

You came forth as a unique individual with specific wants and needs, ready to have a good time in this life.

Comparison (when it leads to suffering and that whole thread of self doubt) is basically a means of self rejection. You are denying your individual journey by telling yourself that you should be somebody that you are not. What if you are exactly who and where you intended to be?

4. Believe in your own journey

You are you for a reason, and your journey is as necessary and as sacred as the next persons.

Don’t fall too much for the materialistic measures of success that society and the media feed us, for they are not as they appear.

(I wrote a post on success that goes into detail on this. You can check it out here: What Does It Truly Mean To Be Successful?)

I believe that a person’s life purpose is more subtle than we tend to think it is. I like to consider this with Meryl Streep. On the outside, many might perceive her as superior due to the material success and fame that she has acquired. She is deemed “the best actress in the world”, but this doesn’t necessarily define her, nor her life’s purpose. Her purpose in this life might be “to learn more about compassion by considering other people’s perspectives.” Here, acting just so happens to be the right journey to assist in the learning of this life purpose.

I guess what I’m saying is: you never know what is going on behind the scenes. An individual’s journey is structured in a way that best allows them to grow in the way that their soul uniquely desires. The purpose of life is expansion, and only the soul knows what it needs to expand.

An individual’s journey is a predominantly subconscious process, and the timing of actualisation will always be right.

Believe, therefore, in right timing. Billie Eilish may have won a Grammy at 18, but this doesn’t reflect her ability to align with “success” over yours. It simply means that this was the experience Billie needed to be able to expand in the way her soul uniquely required at this point in time.

5. When it gets too much, look away

I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it again: put your blinders on. Horse blinders are firm leather squares that attach to a horse’s bridle and prevent the horse from seeing behind and beside him. The idea is to stop the horse from getting distracted or ‘spooked’. There’s no shame in just shutting it all out if it becomes too overwhelming.

One way I actively put my blinders on is with social media. I am very particular about who I follow. I go by my intuition, as well as my emotions. If it (the content) makes me feel good, then I’ll keep it in my circle. If it makes me feel bad, I’ll remove it from my field of vision. That way, I can guarantee that my social media feed won’t provoke me in a way that encourages negative thoughts and self doubt.

Saying that, be mindful of your expanders. It’s good to be challenged every now and then, and it may serve you to think about why you’re being triggered by certain people or content. Only you can know.

 

What’s your experience with comparison to others? I would love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to leave a comment below.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself and respect your individual journey.

What does it truly mean to be successful?

Where do we get our ideas about success from, and how can they be redefined?

 

Success. It’s a bit of a bitch of a word, if you ask me. I feel that the words ‘success’ and ‘failure’ are used too flippantly, and we often assign ourselves to one or the other for the wrong reasons.

Success is something that I have been re-defining for myself for some time now. This became a necessity, for I am an actor, and success comes with a lot of stressful connotations in the acting industry.

I’d brace myself upon meeting new people or relatives and old friends, awaiting the moment they would say: “oh, you’re an actor. Have I seen you in anything?” To me, the subtext of that statement is, “are you famous yet?” I would stumble my way through an answer. “No, you wouldn’t have seen me in anything. I’ve done a TV mini-series, but that was aired some years ago. I’ve done a lot of plays and a couple of short films…” I’d then look for a way to divert the conversation as swiftly as possible, whilst summing up the answer in my head: “Yes, I’ve done plenty of work, but nothing that you would probably find very impressive.”

I was ashamed, for I anticipated others judgement. I assumed that other’s were deeming me a failure because I wasn’t Margot Robbie yet.

It kills you slowly to believe that you are a failure, and the pain of it only makes you strive harder to cover up the fear and shame. It is an endless feedback loop of self-punishment and suffering.

As with most things, the pain had to become unbearable before I truly stopped to reassess.

“How is it that I am defining success?” I finally asked myself. “If I think that I am failing myself, then where do I think I should be in order for me to be succeeding?”

Head. Scratcher.

It took me some time to contemplate the meaning of success, but I finally got some clarity.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with the concepts of failure and success. After all, I picked up my ideas of success from my environment– namely, other people, the media and society on the whole. Society presents a whole lot of damaging ideas to us absorbent beings, and the concept of success is a big one. We need to step back and re-define, and straighten the whole thing out.

1. Where was I going wrong?

First and foremost, I was looking to other people to decide whether or not I was succeeding in life.

I don’t know what other people are thinking about me. We can all only assume that we know, and so most of our assumptions are based on the thoughts that we are already thinking about ourselves. I assumed that others were thinking I was failing, but in actuality, I believed I was failing. I was endowing others with my own beliefs surrounding my success as an individual, and the reason I believed I was failing was because I hadn’t yet accomplished what I had set out to achieve.

Def. 1: Success = The accomplishment of an aim or purpose or Achieving what you set out to achieve.

Whilst we have many mutual, societal ideas about success (which I’ll come to) many of our measures for success are deeply personal.

As we are growing up, our experiences inform our desires. Abraham Hicks often speaks about the following truth: that through observing what you don’t want, you become clear about what you do want.

Your desires are born through contrast. We constantly desire change and expansion, for we think that we will feel better in the getting of that bigger and better thing. Actualising our desires, therefore, becomes our personal measure of success.

My experiences informed a desire to be seen, hence I chose acting. The achievement of my desire looked specifically like my receiving an Oscar nomination, for that moment would be proof to me that I had accomplished being seen.

The more time that passed, the greater my awareness became of not having yet achieved this desire. This only made me more aware of the thought that I was trying to overcome through striving for my desire in the first place: that I was invisible. The fact that my perceived invisibility seemed more of a reality than my being seen meant I was met with a perpetual feeling of failure.

Leaning on limiting beliefs about my self was where I went wrong, for fame became my measure for success. Limiting beliefs inform our individual ideas of success, and they also screw us over. We don’t come up with the solutions to our obstacles on our own, however…

2. What does society say about success?

For a start, society still very much connects success with material possession, for attachment to material possession (particularly that of wealth and fortune) is a fault of the human ego, ever tempted by the illusion that ‘seeing is believing.’ Furthermore, success has and continues to be attributed to social status, particularly those with fame and prosperity.

Not enough emphasis is placed on that which can’t be seen, and this leads to one of life’s biggest misconceptions: that material value determines one’s worth.

Def. 2: Success= Attaining wealth, prosperity and/or fame 

The root fear of all humans is: I am not enough. A popular way to smother this fear is to hold on to the material and tangible, as it makes us feel more certain of our existence. We think that if we attach things and labels to ourselves, it’ll boost our worth.
‘I’m a millionaire; I’m the CEO of a banking firm; I’m an Academy Award winning Actor; I’m vegan; I’m a singer; I’m married, I have a six pack and can bench 140kg…’ (the list is endless.)
For without these things, who are we and how can we be sure that we amount to something?

“Ego is the false perception of oneself as a limited being.”

– Eckhart Tolle

Our modern world has opened up a multitude of opportunities that didn’t exist just a couple of generations ago. Where people were once thought of as either ‘fortunate’ or ‘unfortunate’ depending on the cards that they were dealt in life, it is now commonly accepted that we are, in fact, the creators of our reality. There have been enough ‘rags to riches’ stories for us to see that we are not fated; we can be, do and have whatever we desire.

Whilst this is liberating, the fact that we are no longer victims to our life experience presents a new kind of stress: the pressure of responsibility. There is more expectation for one to do well with their life.

Nowadays, the word ‘success’ is thrown around more than ever before, attributing to societies obsession with being, doing and having the best. It is no longer acceptable to, say, just start up a business– it needs to become the best business in it’s field. It is not enough to simply cook for pleasure– you must go on Master Chef and be deemed the best cook. You like playing netball? Awesome… But are you playing for the National team? This pressure applies to every area of our life, and it is emphasised by the media, who plays into that common human fear of: I am not enough.

Our need for success is driven by our limiting beliefs, and our ideas of success are derived from our environment. Success according to this format, however, encourages shame, as well as breeds further stress.

Success taken from this model is a lie, for it narrows our focus and causes us to view our life through a tainted lens. We cannot see the areas where we are actually successful, for we are only focused on the parts of our life that are still lacking.

3. What does it actually mean to be successful?

Success is not about having, it is about being. It has nothing to do with material possession, status, fame or wealth; it is much simpler than that: it is about being in alignment with oneself. Success is personal, and personal success will differ from person to person.

This is where society gets it wrong, for we tend to believe that success looks the same for everybody, and this simply isn’t the case.

Each of us has personal desires, and it is true that these desires are born through feeling lack, or observing things that we do not want. These desires are unique, and we cannot fully comprehend another’s desire, meaning we cannot fully comprehend (or define) another’s success.

We often look at others and believe that they are more successful than us– yet just because somebody has what you want doesn’t mean that they have received it from the standpoint that you are coming from. One might be born into wealth, and another born into poverty. The one who is born into poverty desires wealth and decides that the one who was born into wealth is more successful than them. Wealth is circumstantial to the one who was born into money, and so their desire will be something different. Their idea of success might be a stable, loving relationship. Let’s say the man who was born into poverty has been happily married for 10 years. The wealthy man will look to the poor man and see success. We assume that those who have what we desire started from the same place that we did, but everybody has their own journey. Our points of attraction are different, therefore it isn’t what you have or who you are that makes you successful, it is your ability to align with your unique desires.

Success is a thing to begin with because our mutual purpose as humanity is self-actualisation. We desire to be the best, most complete version of ourselves. It isn’t the desires alone– it is the fact that you always feel good when you are in alignment with what you want and who you have become, and these good feelings bring you closer to your true self, who is is joyous, loving and all-knowing.

“Success is alignment; focused thought, control of the thoughts I think, feeling my emotions and guiding my thoughts deliberately toward the greater being that is me.”

– Abraham Hicks

In summary, you need to define your own success and ignore what the others are doing. Ever heard the expression ‘follow your joy’? Your emotions are your guide, and if you endeavour to follow your joy, you cannot go far wrong. I have therefore come to lean on the following definition:

Def. 3: Success= Alignment with ones true self

How can I practice self-love?

We’ve seen enough self-help books to know that self-care, or self-love, should be at the top of our list. Yet, what does it actually mean to practice self-love?

 

Self-love has been on the agenda for June 2020. The idea developed thanks to some fresh insight that I gained by listening to my body.

“I listen to my body’s messages with love”

– Louise Hay

I have recently had a tendency towards headaches. I’ve never been a ‘headachy’ person; I’ve never had a migraine. I am also worse than a dude with a case of the man-flu when it comes to pain tolerance, meaning my poor partner has had to put up with my moaning. I’m an impatient person and it wasn’t long until I was hustling for a solution, and this was when I turned to Louise Hay.

In Hay’s book, ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ (which I highly recommend), she has an extensive table of health problems with their probable causes and solutions where she explores the psychological aspect behind the various dis-eases that manifest in us physically.

I had a look to see what she had to say about headaches. ‘Oh yeah…’ I said aloud, for I recognised it as soon as I read it. Headaches, according to Hay, are a result of denying or invalidating the self; of self-criticism and fear. I was already aware of the turbulence I had been experiencing of late when it came to self-acceptance, and I understood that this was my body’s way of saying, “hey there! Give yourself a fucking break, and give me some lovin’!”

Self-care is an easy one to slide off of the agenda, yet it is deeply necessary. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves– yet many of us tend to look outside of ourselves in our search for love, intimacy and validation, and this rarely has the ability to satisfy us.

Take a look in the mirror, and your best friend and soulmate is staring right back at you. We usually have a bone to pick with that reflection, and this is what causes us to turn and look the other way.

If there’s one thing that has been evident in this time of lockdown, it’s been that nudge towards self-reflection that is inevitable as a result of restrictions. I believe that this recent pandemic came about to encourage a stripping away of sorts as we seek greater authenticity, truth and personal growth. Now is the time to re-connect with yourself. (Well… it’s always a good time to re-connect with yourself.) Heal your relationship with yourself, and the loneliness and emptiness will gently dissipate.

That’s all very well to say. We’ve seen enough self-help books to know that self-care, or self-love, should be at the top of our list. Yet, what does it actually mean to practice self-love?

I think, simply, you practice self-love whenever you take time to nurture yourself.

Think about a best friend or a partner. What is it that you do to maintain a healthy relationship with that person? You seek to support and care for them, to show them respect and loyalty, or even to have a laugh. You can practice all of these things with yourself as you build that same sense of intimacy, trust, love and care.

Sometimes I imagine that I am relating to myself as a separate being (and I promise I’m not crazy.) I imagine that I am spending time with myself as if ‘myself’ were my partner, or even a younger version of myself. I find that this can help me to transfer that same tendency to love and to care, for it can often be harder to treat ourselves with compassion and kindness than it can others.

Here are three simple practices I’ve been working on adapting in my desire to amplify my relationship with moi:

1. Take the time to be present with yourself

You owe it to yourself to enjoy the life that you’ve created for yourself. Everyone likes to feel seen and heard. It occurred to me recently that we can validate ourselves; we do not have to wait for others to give us time and attention. And so, I’ve simply begun to carve out ‘Sarah-time’ where I endeavour to be present, as well as spontaneous. I do anything that I feel like doing with that time, whether it’s: go for a walk with myself, go and have a cup of coffee with myself, meditate, write, read, listen to music or go to the park. With myself.

2. Speak words of kindness

Have you ever considered this? Some of the things that we say to ourselves, we would never say to anybody else. We so easily call ourselves ‘a stupid idiot’ or ‘fat’ or a ‘lazy bastard.’ Yet, imagine if we just went around saying these things so haphazardly to others? We would either have no friends, find ourselves regularly covered in bruises, or both.

The reason that we don’t say these things to others is obvious: it’s extremely hurtful and damaging. Therefore, why do we let ourselves get away with this kind of negative self-talk?

Be mindful of the way you speak to yourself.

The way I’ve started this practice is by paying myself compliments throughout the day, telling myself I’m doing a good job, etc. I also make regular use of affirmations. If you keep a journal (or more specifically, a gratitude journal) I will occasionally spend time appreciating myself: my favourite qualities, things that I have done that day that I am proud of or glad for. It is common to look outwards when practicing appreciation, focusing on the people in our lives and our physical environment. What can be a much more powerful exercise, is practicing appreciation for yourself.

“Appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to Source energy*”

– Abraham Hicks

*Source energy= God energy, alignment with the Higher Self

3. Treat yo-self

Take yourself on a date.

The other day, I had to get a couple of things from the shops. I decided to dress up a little, just for myself, and I began my shop with a half hour coffee break. I don’t often sit down for a coffee, particularly without the company of others, so this simple little activity really felt like a treat.

I’ve heard it said before that you can ‘gift’ yourself on a daily basis. This could mean a physical gift (though this might empty your savings quickly!) or it could mean putting those extra flourishes on your breakfast to make it feel special.

We’re aiming for those warm-fuzzy feelings here. You don’t have to help an old lady cross the road to get those feelings; you can help yourself cross the road and… Well, that might not give you warm-fuzzies, but hopefully you get where I’m going…

You cannot give from an empty cup, and this means that it is okay to be selfish. Once your cup is over-flowing, you will naturally want to give to others.

Take the time to nurture yourself, for at the end of the day (meaning the end of your life) you are the only one that you really have to answer to. It’s between you, and you.

5 healthy ways to engage with social media

Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your needs and is consumed in moderation. Here are 5 suggestions to help you to engage with social media in a healthy way.

 

Following a one year hiatus, I have recently returned to Instagram.

This time last year, I put a halt to social media altogether, all-too aware of the anxiety I was feeling as a result. Like many, I’ve been prone to using social media in my search for validation, and any perceived messages of rejection as a result of too few ‘thumbs up!’ had me crawling under the doona with my hands over my eyes. I felt humiliated and low all too often, and I do not regret giving it the flick; it was the right thing for me at the time.

Returning to social media, therefore, has been a very careful choice, and a decision that I have not made lightly. I deliberated over the pros and cons, and eventually decided that it’d do me good to re-engage, for social anxiety does not simply dissipate by using a technique of avoidance. I decided to confront my social anxiety, and I aim to do so with self-love and discipline. I can already see the contrast in the way I am using social media now as opposed to a year ago, and that hindsight has lead me to see that social media doesn’t have to be detrimental to my mental health. I just have to decide how I’m going to use it.

Here are five things I suggest considering when looking to engage in social media in a healthy way:

1. Ask why

Why use social media? Is it to connect with family and friends who live in a different city to you? Is it to stay connected with family and friends who live in the same city? Is it to market your business, or brand, or yourself? Are you an artist? Do you love to cook and want to share your home cooking ideas? The reasons could be endless… Ask anyone, however, and you’ll get a positively-stated reply. Not many people would admit, for instance, that they feel lonely and use social media for those little dopamine hits that feed them with perceptions of popularity. Herein lies the power of the mind: it works as a duality. We think we mean one thing, but we actually mean another:
‘I just want to stay connected with my friends’, says your conscious mind, ignoring the scoff of that other voice in the darkness.
‘Nah you don’t’, says the subconscious mind, ‘you fear you’ll miss out if you’re not online. We’re insecure, remember? Will your friends really value you if you don’t post that selfie of you and your cat? Do it! You need the likes and comments. I promise it’ll make you feel better…’

Most people have some ulterior motive going on in terms of the reason they use social media, whether they are aware of it or not. It’s important to consider what it might be for you. This isn’t to make you feel bad, or guilty, or whatever… It’s to ensure you’re not encouraging negative habits of thought. By engaging in social media to ensure you feel better, or more loved, valued, etc, you only strengthen the opposing thoughts underneath.
If you want to connect, or market yourself, then great, but ensure you’re not doing so to satisfy those niggling thoughts that say you’re not good enough.

2. Define your purpose

I had to step away from Instagram for some time before I felt sure that I could engage in a way that didn’t tend to my negative self beliefs. The first thing I did (after identifying why social media was making me feel bad, of course) was re-define my approach. The thing that brought it together for me was the concept that social media could be a means of service to others. All these years, I had been making it about me. I was using it to gage my worthiness, a measuring stick to prove whether I was, in fact, as insignificant as I believed deep down that I was.

I came to realise (with a little help from a friend) that this didn’t have to be about me. Just because I wanted to share my ideas, didn’t mean that I had to make it so personal. ‘Take validation out of the equation’, she said. And I realised that she was right.

I decided that it could be about sharing, about truly connecting to others. It could be about spreading positivity and hope and joy. None of these things have anything to do with my worthiness as an individual, for how I feel about myself is actually a very personal thing. That relationship should stay between me, and me. I don’t need to share a selfie to feel lovable. I should be able to look in the mirror and just see it for myself.

Take your power back. Nobody else has the right to determine who you are and what you are about; that is for you to decide.

3. Don’t spread yourself thin

Quality over quantity, my friend. Imagine a spoonful of peanut butter. Would it be better if it were spread over one slice of bread or five? Using one spoonful of peanut butter to cover five slice’s of bread is what I’d call spreading yourself thin. Respect your time and energy by setting yourself boundaries. I mean this in reference to:

a) The social media outlet(s) that you choose to use:

Personally, I find it overwhelming to think I should be on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter AND LinkedIn… Not to mention Snapchat and TikTok and God knows what else. I decided, therefore, to invest my time and energy in just one for the time-being. I released any pressures of expectation, or social pressures as to ‘what is the next big thing?’ If I learned anything from my hiatus from social media, it’s that FOMO wasn’t actually a thing. My life wasn’t compromised because I wasn’t engaging in the latest on TikTok. If anything, I appreciated just how much more time I had to focus on other things, many of which bought be greater joy and satisfaction.

If you believe in quality over quantity, then sometimes it can be better to put all of your eggs in the one basket. I decided to simply start with Instagram, for it was the one that inspired me the most. If you care about utilising your energy, then I’d recommend being selective. Not all of them are worth your time.

b) The amount of time you spend on social media:

It’s all too easy to pick up your phone and have a cheeky scroll. Our phones are basically an extension of our arm in this day and age, so checking your notifications can come as naturally as scratching your nose. It didn’t take me long to re-engage with this old habit when I returned to the world of Instagram. I found myself making up for old stalking time, which subsequently invited negative thought patterns back into town. Once I realised this, I got disciplined. I was determined not to let myself re-engage with old habits. I decided to set myself a couple of rules, the first of which was to dedicate a specific time of the day to social media usage. In that way, I can ensure I am engaging with social media more purposefully, whilst respecting the healthy habits I adopted for my idle time whilst in my hiatus.

4. Filter

And no, I don’t just mean your pics.

One thing that has massively helped for me is being selective with who I follow. I didn’t want my news feed to trigger anxiety or depression anymore. I want my news feed to inspire me, and encourage me in positive ways. The great thing about most social media platforms is that we have that choice: we can decide what we do and don’t want to see. If that means you don’t follow some of your friends, then so be it. Or perhaps you can consider unfollowing Kim Kardashin? We all love a bit of celebrity gossip, but at the end of the day, does it make you feel good or bad?

5. Get real

Make sure social media isn’t the only means you have for engaging with people. To build meaningful relationships, it is important to be able to connect in real life.

One of my main concerns when I decided to leave social media was that I’d lose touch with friends. But then I realised: what kind of friends would my friends be if they stopped talking to me just because I’m not on Facebook? I decided to trust that the true friends in my life would pick up the phone and call, or send me a text, or find some other way to reach out. This ended up being the case.

As I have already mentioned, FOMO didn’t end up being a thing. Anything that was of value to me, I found out about. I maintained a social life, and I was still involved in the things that mattered. Anything or anyone that didn’t make it to me mustn’t have been necessary, for I trust that they would have found a way.

Authenticity is the key here. We all know that social media can be fake.

 

In summary, have awareness and be true to yourself. Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your (body’s) needs and is consumed in moderation.

 

A letter to my younger self

All the things I’d say to my younger self, given the chance. 

 

To you,
Young, vulnerable you.

I may be a little late in doing so, but there are some things I wish to tell you. I speak from the future, because it is only with hindsight that clarity is truly achieved. I speak from that part of you that is whole and all-knowing, who loves you unconditionally and desires the very best for you.

I see you. I see your heartache and your longings. I see your sadness and the disappointment. I see that you have an innate ability to be free– but that as you grew up in this world, your ability to act on this freedom became more restrained. This isn’t your fault; this is simply the way of the world. We are meant to lose our way, for it is in this contrast that we come to strengthen our knowing of who we are.

I see that you doubted your value. I see that you were lonely. You longed for validation, love and appreciation, for somebody to affirm how special you are. You didn’t receive this– at least not in the way that you desired. It fractured your heart, which was created to be whole. You looked at the others, thinking “why can’t I belong with them?” You felt that you were different, out of place and misunderstood. “What do I need to do” you thought, “to be more like them? To feel that I belong? To feel that I am wanted?”

I want to let you know, little one, that it was simply not your time just yet. It was a time for contrast, and a time of observation. You suffered, but it all played out the way it did for a reason. I know this doesn’t help you, or cause the loneliness to cease…

I want to reach out to you now, to let you know that you are not alone. You were never alone– you were simply isolated by the sadness and a lack of ability to know.

Truly, it is through contrast that the best gifts come forth. Should I have been able to reach into your mind then, I would have reassured you of this. I would have held your hand and spoken words of comfort. I would have made you laugh and promised you that everything would be okay. Everything will be okay, I’m telling you so now.

Throughout these times of sadness, you developed a tendency to dream. A part of you knew of your value, because you projected it into your future. “When I get there” you said, “then they will see me. I will belong, I will be loved, I will be free.” This dream became your tether of hope, for without it, you struggled to see a life worth living.

There are two things I want to tell you here:

Firstly, you did not need to suffer to bear this dream. It has lived within you despite your circumstances.

Secondly, the dream is separate from your suffering; your desire to be loved, seen and heard. All these years, it has seemed that they are the same thing. Your beliefs about your unworthiness are buried into the roots of your dream. These painful beliefs exist for you so long as your dream is unfulfilled.

It does not have to be this way, because your unworthiness is not an actuality. The sadness and the loneliness– it exists and it is valid, but only because of your doubts. You developed these ideas about yourself, and they were a lie from the start.

You are not misunderstood– you are unique.

You are not lonely– you are independent.

You are not unworthy– you are worthy beyond comprehension.

You are not unloved– you are lovable beyond comprehension.

Your external circumstances do not reflect your worthiness. If you had known this at the time, then you would not have suffered. You would have continued to play and be free, knowing that you are you, and that is enough.

And so, where do we go from here?

I ask you to lean on me, for I am here to carry you forward. You have been mistaken in thinking that you are in this alone.

The dream continues; it always will, for you have spent too much time contemplating it for it not to come into fruition. Nonetheless, it must no longer be your tether. A dream should never be sought for the purpose of proving your worthiness.

And it is time to let go now. Let go of the sadness, the loneliness and the need for validation. The dialogue now must be:

“I am enough, I am lovable, I am free. I accept myself, just as I am. All of this is inherent in me.
I got there; I am already here. I never needed to look any further than myself.
I have absolutely nothing to prove. I dream because I love to dream, and I live life purely for the joy it gives me. I live for myself, and nobody else.”

It is okay to let go, I give you permission. Fall and trust that I will catch you, for you’ll find that when you look back, I have in fact always been there.

We’ve got this, I promise.

With love from your future self.

Recognising when you’ve given your power away

A reflection on the consequences of allowing my power to reside in the hands of another.

 

I have recently had the experience of coming back to myself.

I came to develop a relationship in my life in which it became evident over time that I was giving my power away to the other person in this relationship. I was weakened, made vulnerable and completely helpless to myself. This was a complete power play, in which I had swiftly become the loser.

It’s difficult to describe what I mean without going into detail–

I refer to a relationship; a relationship that was evidently more personal than it ever was professional, and professional it was supposed to be. To save on breaching conduct, I’ll expose the happenings through a metaphorical story juxtaposed to my situation.

A young girl desires love from her guardian. Orphaned as a child, she was rejected during a vulnerable time when her consciousness was still developing and she was absorbent, like a sponge. Through her abandonment, she became aware of the lack of getting what she wanted. She became aware of her deprivation and insecurity. The desire for love, nurturing and security grew stronger. Meanwhile, obstacles to her getting this love multiplied, narrowing her scope of belief in the likelihood of her ever receiving it.

One day, she meets a man. This man is kind to her. He listens to her and gives her a platform to feel heard. He validates her experiences and endorses her sense of worth every time that they meet. Being that her desire is so strong by this point and (concurrently) the depths of her feelings of deprivation for having a lack of it for so long, she becomes addicted to what he is giving her.

At first she is wary, but over time, she lets herself trust the love that the man is giving her. She opens and opens- yet at the same time, her addiction grows. She begins to suffer when she is not with him. She cries because she is made aware of the emptiness that she had become accustomed to prior to their meeting.

The contrast between the two is huge. She becomes dependent on him. Yet as she begins to need him, he starts to pull away. It is subtle at first, and bearable. Yet eventually, being deprived of his love only deepens her suffering. She cannot find another way to access it without him.

He eventually makes it clear to her that he cannot be the one to nurture and love her. Well, this is what he says, but his encouraging actions still speak of the opposite. He cannot help but enjoy being needed…

Through her desperation to ensure this new found love and life doesn’t come to an end, the girl breaks down boundaries in an effort to draw him back. She begins to take risks, each more dangerous than the last; compensating her safety and sanity just to get a taste of his love.

Now, as with all stories of change, there comes a breaking point:

The girls life is on the line. She toys with the idea of murder by her own hand; contemplates the notion of death as an out to her suffering. She has become so addicted to this man that she cannot remember how she lived before him? She is sure that there must be a future for her, but the pain of losing the love that she craved for so long feels unbearable. She would prefer to die than return to the emptiness.

On a particularly vulnerable Friday, she finds herself in the hospital Emergency Room. She had almost let life slip from her hands.

She should have left him now, but she couldn’t. She needed to know: did he mind that she could have died? Would it make him hold her closer?
He shows her care and concern, and she deduces that there is still hope.

The following week she goes to see him. He pulls her close, but not close enough. He leaves her hanging the following day, ignoring her calls and turning to face away. It is at this point that she feels she needs him the most. Her chest has been ripped open and she had trusted him to cotton wool the holes. She lay and bled in his absence, completely defeated and in despair.

By this point, however, the message was clear: she had basically passed him the sword. He held her life in his hands, and she had relinquished all control. The time had come to take her power back.

The decision came from a place deep within. She responded before the idea had completely formed in her mind.
“It is time for me to move on. This no longer serves.”
She preached her decision loud and clear.

At first she felt a surge of relief, combined with an injection of re-empowerment.

What followed were some of the darkest days. Cut off from the source, she had to detox. She grieved and was angry and longed to go back to him. Yet something within her stopped her well before she was at risk of reaching out. She had come to see that her time with him had an expiry date. It would no longer be possible for her fill herself with his love. Her sore heart could not be healed by another. Rather, she needed to learn to love herself.

She could comprehend it, but it was terrifying. She was at rock bottom and choosing to surrender to the dark. Would she be able to survive it? Yet with the help of that inner voice, she stuck firm to her decision and took heavy, courageous steps in an effort to piece herself back together.

Just days after it all went down, I found myself able to breathe once more. I resurfaced from the ocean, fresh and fiery and ready to fight. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for my strength to come back, and I attribute this to the solidity of my decision. Something powerful happens energetically when you make a definite and genuine decision to change. (This is opposed to sitting on the fence.)

I feel that this power play is a lesson that I have grappled with constantly over the years: I choose to let my power reside in others hands, when there is so much power within me. I deprive myself of love and joy and freedom by their hand. I wait for their permission or their validation. It’s a ridiculous way to live, really (all judgement removed.) For when I am empowered, and I turn inward for my source of validation and love, it is endless and infinitely more accessible.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

– Carl Gustav Jung

You don’t know how loved you are

A personal story. A reflection on being seen, and trusting that you are more loved and valued than you could ever possibly know.

 

I recognised her when I saw her– though I had never actually met her. I recognised her as one of my own.

We were on holiday. In an attempt to lift us both from the pits of suffering we were cowering in, my partner carefully selected a teashop in the mountains to take us to. This, we hoped, would help shift the clouds of anxiety and depression that were plaguing us. It had become apparent that our holiday wasn’t for relaxation, but was more so an opportunity to catch up with ourselves. Our minds had gone slightly haywire once given the time and space, and the processing weighed heavy.

She- the one I recognised- was running the cafe alone. She was big-boned and tattooed with cropped hair and a heavy expression. She scared me at first. She looked as though she might bite if provoked, and so I hung back, observing from a distance.

Based on appearances alone, I assumed she was gay. I put my arms around my girlfriend in the hope that she would soften, seeing that we were like her. We were “her people” (as Hannah Gadsby says…)

My attempts to reach her worked, somewhat, in that she smiled and asked how our drinks were when she bought us the scone we’d ordered. Looking down, I noticed a couple of thick scars on her arms. Here was evidence of something deeper stirring within her. Once she’d walked away I looked down at my own arm, still bandaged from a recent attack that I had had by my own hand. At that moment I remembered that she was hidden beneath the sharpness of her shell. The hard expression and strong physique were suddenly less offensive. I saw the sadness and vulnerability; a lost soul in desperate need of a fucking big hug.

It’s difficult to describe this next part, but I’ll give it a go:

As I watched her, seeing into her soul, I was struck with a sudden clarity. I could see how loved she was. I could see how worthy and perfect she was– regardless of the efforts she had made to (over time) construct a self that both physically and behaviorally repels others. I no longer bought into it. I could see how powerful she was. And free, as a creative Being that could be, have, or do anything. All at the same time, I could see how oblivious she was to what I was seeing. She likely couldn’t see or feel it at all.

You might think I’m a bit creepy by this point, but I persevere–

I wanted to leave her a note. I wanted to write her a little something on a piece of paper, saying something like this:

‘I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength. Thank you for still being here. I love you. You are more loved and valued than you could possibly ever know.’

I guess the creep factor caught up with me at this point, because I never left a note.

It did leave me thinking, however. Seeing what I saw in her– I wish I could see that in myself. I’m sure others look at me and see the same thing: how loved and perfect and worthy I am, just as I am.

This has stayed with me for some weeks. I’m finding it increasingly easy to look at others and see their wholeness. I suppose I’m looking at them through the eyes of Source.

[Source= God, a higher power, creative life force… Whatever you chose to call it.]

What I’m working on now, is to turn it back on myself; to look at myself through the eyes of Source. For if I can do that, it might just help to save me in this lifetime. I am sure I am more loved than I could ever possibly know.