life lessons Archives

Acknowledging what’s going right

On celebrating how far you’ve come.

On the whole, we as people are pretty hopeless at looking for the positive. We are good at seeing what’s wrong, but not so good at acknowledging what’s going right.

Naturally, we are designed to always be wanting more; to be seeking improvement and expansion. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s how we’re hard-wired. Nonetheless, I believe there is balance to be found, and that is: appreciating where we’re at whilst we long for more.

I was reminded of this yesterday when, during a seminar, I was prompted with a question:

‘How would you grade yourself based on where you’re currently at?’

Initially, I gave myself a 5-7, figuring: I’m okay with where I’m at, but I’m also hankering after a few big changes. I shared this with my partner, who had the wisdom to say something along the lines of, “you know, I was going to give myself a low ranking, but then realised that I would have given myself a similar ranking this time last year. It’s not that I’m not getting anywhere though, it’s that the goalposts have moved.”

It made me realise that I’m probably selling myself short, because a lot has changed for me too… Yet, isn’t it easier to focus on our dissatisfactions than on any positive changes that might have taken place?

We’re always going to want more, that’s not going to change– but it’s also important to stop and take stock of where we’ve come from. It’s important to acknowledge what’s going right.

“Remember when you wanted what you currently have?”
–Unknown

When I think of where I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago, a lot has changed; I’ve even acquired some of the things I was wanting. It made me realise:

Where does the dissatisfaction end?

and;

Where does the appreciation, the pride, the contentedness and the sense of “I’ve made it” begin?

The way we’re hardwired, the appreciation and contentedness doesn’t begin– unless we consciously make space for it.

And so, I decided to make space for it, and I changed my grade to an 8.

Here’s the truth:

We’re always going to want more, but we’re never going to arrive at a final destination. It’s a continual journey, where we grow and adapt and shape-shift. Becoming or acquiring what we want is not the solution to our unhappiness. Rather, it’s choosing to see the good in the life we are presently living. There is always good to be found, and always growth and positive changes to be acknowledged.

Therefore, here’s an invitation for you:

Over the course of the day today, think back to where you were a year ago and ask yourself:

Where have I come from? What positive changes have taken place? What have I acquired, or who have I become, that is more than who I was then? What’s going right?

Then, celebrate it. Celebrate who you’ve become, with love for who you are becoming.

“The more your praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
– Oprah Winfrey

How to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. This post focuses on how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed with sadness in response to the events happening in the world?
At times, I feel the pain and fear so intensely that I could lay down for days and weep.

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. Some people proclaim that the state of things is worsening, but it isn’t. No matter what decade you live in, there is war, murder, repression, bigotry and cruelty…

Despite my heavy tone, this post isn’t designed to make you despair. My aim is to cultivate the opposite: hope. Life hurts at times. That’s a fact. What I want to focus on, however, is how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

Here’s what I think helps:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

As energetic Beings, we are intricately connected on a deeper level; therefore, it’s natural for us to feel emotions that are not entirely our own. We share this earth, and there is a deeper understanding that what happens to one, happens to all. When shit happens, we hurt on behalf of the whole. We grieve for a way of life that contradicts the equality, peace and belonging most of us crave.

It’s okay to feel. Feelings are to be felt. Have a cry every now and then if you need, and take whatever time you need to process your feelings.

2. Limit your intake of news and media

For years now, I’ve made a deliberate effort to limit my consumption of news and media. Some consider it important to remain “up to date” with current affairs– yet I tend to believe that if it does more harm than good, it’s best to keep a distance. This isn’t ignorance, it’s boundaries. There’s only so much we can care about without compensating our emotional well-being. If it hurts to think about it, then disengage.

One reason it hurts is because we feel powerless. There are many things we can’t control, but one thing we can control is how we respond. The emotions we feel are a direct result of the thoughts we think, which all depends on what we choose to pay attention to. Shifting your attention away from the black hole that is bad news and media is a means of regaining control.

3. Understand that you can’t fight fire with fire

Again, we are energetic Beings and we live in an energetic universe. Where attention goes, energy flows. The way to fight war is not with war (rage, protest, angst, etc), as that only adds heat to the flame. The way to “fight” war is by contributing energy to the opposite cause: peace.

I could lay down for days and weep… But is it ultimately worth it? Does it help in any way? Or does it only contribute to the suffering that already exists?

Whenever we hurt, there exists two truths within us: an acknowledgement of what we don’t want, and a knowing of what our preference is.
If you feel a lot of pain as a result of world events, it’s because you care and you want things to be different. The anguish you feel highlights the love you have toward humanity, nature and the world at large. It highlights your desire for more peace, or more happiness. If you didn’t care, you’d feel indifferent.

When you feel the burden of the worlds pain, therefore; acknowledge the hurt, but choose to lean into your preferences. Lean into love, peace and joy. (Where attention goes, energy flows.) Take your partner on a date and focus on love; go for a walk in nature and immerse yourself in tranquility; watch a funny movie and embrace delight for a while… Take any other action that feels necessary. This is how you fight fire; by doing the opposite, and putting out that which you want more of.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
–Mahatma Gandhi

4. Know you aren’t alone

Life can be really challenging, scary and devastating– but doesn’t it help to know that we are all in this together? Whilst I’ve mentioned that it doesn’t do to dwell, it does help to talk about difficult things when the load becomes too much. Hardship and negativity drive us apart, but when we band together, we have the potential to become stronger and remember who we are.

Ultimately, it’s all about choice. We live in both heaven and hell, and I believe that there is just as much potential for love and joy in this world as there is fear and suffering. It depends on what you want to focus on: the hurt, or the potential. Every conflict creates the opportunity for us to know ourselves in a way that is more loving or powerful than we might otherwise have known.

“Life hurts at times. It hurts to have a body at times, hurts to be born, hurts to live, hurts to die, but it can be ecstasy beyond comprehension. You can know that ecstasy. It is inside of you.”
–Frederick Lenz

5 things I wish I’d known 10 years ago

Here, I’ve complied a list as I reflect on the woman I’ve become over the past decade.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing. It allows us to re-frame our past experiences and make better decisions going forward. When we have the courage to truly witness and learn from our experiences, room is made for growth, and a clearer path into the future is paved…

I’m approaching 30, so just for funzies, I’ve complied a list as I reflect on the woman I’ve become over the past decade:

5 Things I Wish I’d Known 10 Years Ago

1. Don’t work too hard

I took life so seriously as a 20 year old! I was continually hustling and worrying, denying myself fun and rest as I desperately worked toward my desired career, trying to figure it all out. What I didn’t realise is that life is a marathon, not a race. It’s a matter of steady progress and right timing, where ease and fun aid you, not inhibit you.

If I could go back, I would travel more, party more and worry way less about the future… And the same can be applied now! The purpose of life is joy. It’s not worth hustling, over-working and making sacrifices for the sake of some greater good (whether that be money, notoriety, career progression, respect…) Chill the eff out, and enjoy your life while you’re in it.

2. There’s no shame in being single

I used to feel a lot of shame around being single– and I’m conscious that this comes from a societal pressure. We are made to believe that being single is a bad thing. If you’re single for too long, something must be wrong with you; you must be lonely, unfulfilled. There can also be a lot of anxiety, (what if I never find someone?)

Honestly, it’s better to be single than to be in a relationship with the wrong person– or to be in a relationship for the wrong reason, such as to cure your loneliness. Relationships are hard work, and half the time, they ain’t all they’re cracked up to be.

The most important relationship we have is with ourselves, so the connection between you and you should be king.

If I could go back, I’d tell 20 year old me: Focus on yourself. There’s no shame in being single, and you don’t need anybody else to make you complete. The right relationships will come at the right time, and you will be ready for them when they do.

3. You don’t need to prove yourself to anybody

I’m only just wrapping my head around this one– yet it really is a relief to stop seeking others approval.

Previously, I have lived my life in accordance with what I believe others expected from me. I have done things or sought things in order to be validated, and to prove myself worthy; and when I’ve fallen short, I’ve suffered a lot, deeming myself a failure.

I’ve purposefully shifted away from this, because it only leads to anxiety and encourages low self-esteem. Ultimately, it’s a waste of time and energy, because you could never please everyone anyway. People’s expectations are too specific, and too diverse.

Live life for you; for your satisfaction only. I’ve learned that when you shift your mindset in this way, you open yourself up to a world of freedom and possibility. What others think of you is not your business, so do your best to let it go. It just isn’t worth it.

4. You’re not as weird as you think you are

We all have things about ourselves that we believe make us strange and unacceptable, whether it’s the way we think, the way we talk, specific defining experiences we’ve had or personality traits.

I used to feel so isolated as a result of this. My body image and disordered eating habits, my sexuality, my poor mental health… All of these things made me feel freakish. I would hide my problems and insecurities from others, which only caused me to feel more ostracised.

In actuality, it really would have benefited me to reach out and know I’m not alone; because we never are.

The truth is, we are all a little wacky, so we don’t need to harbour so much shame around it.

Thankfully, the world we live in today is a lot more open-minded. Our differences are embraced a whole lot more than they were just 10 years ago. I am therefore not to blame for my hesitations in being truly seen. None of us are. Society hasn’t always deemed it okay… Yet I know now that authenticity leads to personal freedom and vulnerability leads to a greater sense of connection with others. More of us need to let our freak flag fly, because it gives others permission to do the same, and we are all happier when we feel able to be ourselves.

5. It gets easier

As the years go by, you become wiser, and life becomes easier because you better understand how to navigate it.

Who you are and what you know today is going to be different to who you are what you know in a years time. Life is ever changing– and I wish I’d known this when I was younger. I felt so fated and trapped by my present reality, not know how drastically it could change.

If I could go back, I’d tell myself: Relax. Things will work out for you. Over time, you will acquire the resources you need to live a good life, so trust that you will find your way.

We’re always growing and adjusting, and it’s encouraging to look back and see how far you’ve come…
So I’m keen to hear: what do you know now that you wish you’ve known 10 years ago? Share your lessons in the comments.

Image: 20 year old me, 2012.

Increasing happiness through presence

There is so much opportunity for joy throughout the day, but we diminish our ability to experience pleasure by denying the present moment.

I recently went on a short holiday to the country, just a couple of hours out of Sydney. Whenever I take a break, I find it usually takes a few days to adjust to the slower pace of things. This time more than usual, however, I was aware of the intolerance I have developed for presence.

An intolerance for presence

See, the pace of life has quickened a great deal. We are generally unaware of it because it has occurred gradually, and we are basically amidst it 24/7. Nonetheless, as a society, we have become busier and more stimulated than ever before, and this has had an effect on our attention span, our cortisol levels, our health, our relationships, our state of awareness, and our happiness.

When we are forced to slow down, it feels increasingly difficult. We find ourselves feeling frustrated and uncomfortable, restless and anxious.

Whilst on holiday, my partner and I stayed in a quiet little villa overlooking a small vineyard and a couple of ponds. The solitude was immense, and the opportunity for relaxation overwhelming. I would like to have enjoyed it more than I did– for in all reality, it was a little confronting. I found it difficult to simply sit and look at a beautiful view without picking up my phone or a book at the very least. The need to do and to distract from the present moment was at times overpowering, and it saddened me to think that I’d lost some of my ability to just be in the present moment.

Consumption addiction

I discovered a term the other day for the exact intolerance I have been experiencing, and it’s called ‘consumption addiction.’ It was described as “the addiction no one talks about” (@the.minimalistmethod), but yet it’s a silent killer, running rampant through society, sucking our souls and leaving us sick, drained and depressed. In essence, consumption addiction describes the need we have for continual stimulation; mindless activity that gives us temporary ‘pleasure’ (scrolling, eating, texting, watching Netflix, drinking, scrolling again, etc.)
Sound familiar?

Essentially, I look at it as an intolerance for presence, for if we aren’t perpetually engaged (stimulated, distracted) then what do we get? Being-ness. And when we just ‘Be’, we are confronted with our thoughts and feelings, and the very essence of who we are.

happiness and Presence

The issue I have with my intolerance for presence– and the reason I’m talking about it– is the affect it’s having on my ability to experience joy. I don’t experience as much joy as I should considering the opportunity for joy around me, and this bothers me. I’d like to feel happier, and truly relish in whatever beauty and abundance I can in my life. I want to enjoy life. Don’t you?

Happiness is a very misunderstood concept. We all want it, but we have a tendency to look for it in the wrong places. We look for it externally, via other people, the acquirement of material possessions or certain opportunities; and we place it in the future. We chase it. It is a faraway concept, one that we will reach eventually (once we overcome certain obstacles) or, never at all.

I’ve come to realise that happiness is, in fact, intimately tied in with our quality of presence.

Happiness is not something to be acquired or earned, but something to be re-discovered from within.
If you believe that happiness is your birthright, then consider that you have the ability to experience happiness regardless of the trajectory of your life.

It begins with presence.

How do we find presence?

We all have the ability to be present, for Being is our true nature. Therefore, it’s about gradually re-introducing the concept of Being, and building it as you would any habit: through consistent effort.

1. Make time daily to be present

Begin to introduce presence by being intentionally slow and mindful for at least part of your day. Sit on a park bench for 5 minutes, sit and have a cup of tea, go for a walk… and do just that thing.

2. Stop multi-tasking

We pride ourselves on multi-tasking, but really, it’s sensory overload and is the quickest way to raise your cortisol levels. Presence is about quality over quantity. It’s about relishing a moment rather than rushing to get to the next moment. Practice doing one thing at a time. When you go for a walk– go without your phone and actually take in your surroundings. When you eat dinner– turn the TV off and actually taste your food. There is so much opportunity for joy throughout the day, but we diminish our ability to experience pleasure by denying the present moment.

Presence is a practice, and one that’s well worth devoting yourself to. After all, what’s the point of life if we are so distracted that we’re hardly able to savour the life we’re living?

Happiness begins with the present moment.

“Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now.”

–Eckhart Tolle

This too shall pass

On enjoying what you have now before it’s gone.

You may have heard the phrase “this too shall pass.” A reminder of life’s impermanence, and the inevitability of change.

We often use this expression to remind ourselves that the bad times will pass; times of suffering and turmoil. To remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how overwhelming life feels in this moment. It’s a great reminder in those times. Nonetheless, it’s interesting to consider the impermanence of all that we experience– the good and the uncomfortable– because you just never know what you’ll miss once it’s gone…

This is something I’ve been reflecting on for myself recently. As I’ve thought about the past, and my life over the past 10 years, I’ve been thinking about what I liked, what I disliked, what I’m glad for, and what I’d do differently if I could. There is a lot I’d do differently… but the thing that stood out to me was the fact that everything turned out okay. Despite my anxieties and the need to control things and predict outcomes, everything was always okay. It made me realise: we spend so much time worrying about where we are at (the problems we have) and fretting about the future, that we overlook all the good things about where we are at right now.

And so, I asked myself this question:

If I had known then that everything would work out, that I’d reach the destination regardless, what would I do differently?

Here’s my answer:

I’d let go more, relax and let myself have WAY more fun
I’d love the heck out of everything that I had whilst I had it: the friendships, the holidays, the flatmates, the experiences, even the lessons… Because I realise now that it was all impermanent. It’s gone now, and I can never have it back.

It may sound dramatic that I am having these realisations now, but I’d much rather have them in my 20’s than on my death bed– as is the experience of most.

Bonnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, wrote a book called “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” where she speaks of the common regrets shared amongst those facing their own mortality:

To have lived a life true to myself, and not the life others expected of me.
To have not worked so hard.
To have had the courage to express my feelings.
To have stayed in touch with my friends.
To have let myself be happier.

My realisations about all of this, the “this too shall pass” has made me determined to approach my present life in a different way. I don’t want to die with regrets. I want to die knowing that I lived and loved fully, and appreciated every moment of my life as I lived it. And so, I’ve begun to ask myself now:

If I know for sure that 10 years from now, everything will have worked out for me, how would I approach life now?

My answer? In the same way that I wish I’d lived in the past. I would let go more, relax, have more fun and love the heck out of everything I have whilst I have it, knowing that it is impermanent. Because things could change tomorrow, or they could change in a couple of months time, and letting go of certain things scares me. Mortality IS frightening… But don’t hide from it. Embrace it and love what you have while it lasts.

“I want to feel my life while I’m in it”

–Meryl Streep

*To read more about Bonnie Ware and “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”> https://bronnieware.com/

-Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash

The power in letting go of who you think you should be

A personal experiment in surrendering to the flow of life.

“Let go of what you think you need, and what you really need will show up”

–Gabrielle Bernstein

This is my biggest experience as of late: letting go of who I think I should be in order to allow space for who I could be. There is so much relief and liberation in this experience. It’s not complete, yet I’m finding it such a valuable (and universal) lesson that I want to share what I make of it so far.

Hypothesis:

1. Life works better when you surrender control and go with the flow.

2. When you let go of your expectations of who you think you should be and what your life should be like, you open yourself up to greater happiness and abundance than you could ever otherwise create for yourself.

Why the decision to let go?

Honestly, I was exhausted. I was tired of chasing and hustling to be a version of myself that I once decided I needed to be in order to be happy.

I’ve never been able to sit still. I’m always working on something; toward something, whether that’s a better body, fame, status, wealth. Different facets, but all driven by the same unconscious need: be better, rise above. Prove yourself.

It’s great to have a dream– but, become too attached to it and you sabotage your own happiness at the expense of always living for a future you can never guarantee. Goals inspire action– yet, become too attached to the achievement of your goals and you risk perpetual feelings of inadequacy. The dilemma? Chasing a vision so hard that you forget to experience the life that is happening for you in this very moment. And, if your vision is skewed (like mine was) you deny yourself in the process. My intentions were not pure, but tainted by an idea that I needed to prove my worthiness and earn my love.

“If you can’t join them- beat them.” This had been my mantra since schoolgirl days, decided upon as a solution to endless days of suffering at my inability to belong. For me, worthiness and love sat on a pedestal alongside my one-day Academy Award, high above the heads of all those who never seemed to see me. I’ve been on a never-ending mission to reach that pedestal, believing that without it, I’m love-less and worthless.

I got tired– tired of failing, and sick of being denied love and happiness. My happiness was always pending, and after a while, the angst of waiting and of being denied grinds you down.

Furthermore, the more awareness I gained about my subconscious motivations, the harder it became to ignore them. All it took was for me to reach an eventual tipping point, whereby my craving for happiness outweighed my need for validation.

Most of us live in this way (hustling for happiness and worthiness that we believe exists outside of ourselves.) For me, comprehending how I was living in this way was one thing, whilst having the courage to surrender is another.

Surrendering who you think you should be

It takes courage to give up your own expectations of who you think you should be, for it’s frightening to consider the consequences. Who will I become? You’re wrangling the unknowns. What will become of me? We fear that if we stop running and fighting, the very things that we are running from will catch up to us and envelope us, defining us in new ways (a failure, a loser, a nobody, unlovable, etc.)

For me, I was so fed up that I figured I had nothing to lose. I realised that I wasn’t necessarily becoming more lovable and worthy amidst all my efforts, hence, what was the point in knocking on the same door day after day?

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

–Albert Einstein

There’s something else too: I know by now that searching for love and validation outside of oneself is never the answer. I know that my efforts to prove myself were bunk, for how true were the beliefs about my lovability (or perceived lack thereof) in the first place? Probably not true at all. I came to comprehend that I had spent years chasing something that didn’t need to be chased.

“I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they ever dreamed of so they would know that’s not the answer.”

–Jim Carey

A lesson in faith

There is a certain liberation in uncertainty when you choose to embrace it rather than fear it. New Covid restrictions in Sydney aided my decision to let go. With nowhere to go and no way of knowing when certainty would return, I was able to lean into the uncertainty more easily.

Practical steps I’ve taken as I let go

1. I’ve given up on things that I have come to realise I don’t really want.

This has included a long list of projects and endeavours that I came to see I felt more burdened by than inspired by. Once erased from my schedule, this left me with very little to do. But for the occasional bout of anxiety, my cluttered schedule is not missed, for I’ve shed projects that I’ve come to see were never meant for me in the first instance– at least not at this time.

2. I’ve prioritised solid self-care practices to help me tune into my intuition.

This currently includes a daily practice of yoga, journalling, meditation and exercise, and helps me stay connected to the subtle inner guidance that leads me towards my true path at this time.

3. I am practicing following my joy.

I’m asking myself regularly: what do I find fun? What brings me pleasure? Joy begets joy, and so I figure: if I want to manifest true happiness and abundance, I must first seek out the things that bring me joy.

4. I’m handing my dreams over to the universe.

I can no longer carry the burden of trying to control my future. As such, I’m handing it over to a higher power, whilst choosing to trust that my inner being will guide me toward my highest good.

Conclusion:

Expectations carry a lot of weight, and the lightness I feel from having released the shackles is the most noticeable difference so far. My anxiety has reduced, and I feel a greater sense of peace and freedom. This is a process nonetheless, and the night is young.

“Whatever will be will be”

–Aaliyah

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

How to stop over-thinking

Why over-think and how to stop it.

Over-thinking.

I’m struggling HEAPS with over-thinking this week, so I thought I’d transfer my over-thinking here and break it down. Let’s over-think over-thinking together.

Why over-think?

1. Fear of the unknown

Where overthinking is a means of trying to maintain a sense of control by thinking through all possible outcomes.

2. Fear of failure, or perfectionism

Stalling on taking action by running around and around in circles, chipping at an idea in order to refine it. We think: if I keep refining it, I’ll significantly reduce my chances of failure.

Anxiety is the predominant feeling attached to over-thinking.

The outcome of overthinking is usually: a slowing down of events. You stall future circumstances by taking an extra long time to consider all possibilities.

Ways to overcome over-thinking:

1. Recognise that control is an illusion

We are NEVER in control. We just think that we should be, or that we can be if we work hard enough to handle all the various elements of our life.

2. Know that you can’t solve anything by attempting to think your way out of it

When you’re hitting a wall, thinking about it will only amplify the resistance you’re feeling. You’ve got to walk away from the wall.

If you’re overthinking, you’re in a resistant state of mind. You’re swimming upstream. You’re banging your head against a wall. Turn and head in the other direction. Practically, this means: take a walk, meditate, listen to music… Whatever it takes to switch focus and get off the subject. By taking your attention off of the thing you’re over-thinking, you allow the dust to settle…

This post is a short one, because over-thinking really shouldn’t be overthought. Whilst useful to understand, the idea is that it should not be dealt with cognitively. So drop from your head back into your body, and feel your way away from your thoughts.

What to do when you feel restricted by the pressure of time

The idea that we are restricted by time is an illusion. Here’s why I’ve decided to give up the hustle.

I am so glad to have come to a place recently where I very much feel that time does not restrict me.

Not so long ago, I was always hustling; just as a lot of people are always hustling. We hustle because of our perception of time, because we fear that there isn’t enough of it. Now that I’ve come to shift my perspective of time, I kinda struggle to justify what the rush was all about in the first instance?

I had a tendency to set myself a lot of deadlines, and many of them were unrealistic:

A couple of years ago, I wanted to tone up and lose a little bit of weight. 6 weeks was the deadline I set myself, with a target of 1kg per week. Realistic? Yes… but only by seriously decreasing my daily calorie intake whilst smashing out intense workouts 5 days a week. Who needs that kind of pressure?

I had an idea for a short film. I set myself the goal of writing and producing it within 6 months. Do-able? Yes, technically. But again, who needs that kind of pressure?!

I decided (pre-Covid, might I add) that I wanted to travel internationally, which was to include a road trip through North America, as well as a detour via Europe to catch up with old friends. This is totally possible– but extremely stressful with the timeline of 8 months that I was giving myself to save funds!

I’ve always been a high achiever, but why my ambition was served to me with a side of ‘hurry up’, I have no idea.

Well… I do have an idea.

Based on my experience, here’s what I think the race against time is all about:

1. A fear of dying before we get it all done

I don’t want to die having never achieved everything that I wanted to achieve.
I don’t want to die, despairing that I never became the version of myself that I wanted to become.
I don’t want to die with regret.

I think that it is totally natural and common for people to have this fear. Death is a concept that we tend to want to avoid as a society, as we can never be certain as to what death actually means. Does death really mean that we are no more? Is it permanent? Can we guarantee that there is an afterlife of some kind?

As per the examples from my past that I provided above:

I didn’t want to die before getting the chance to travel.

I didn’t want to die not being the ‘best’ version of myself, physically.

I was afraid of what it would mean if I didn’t produce that project before I would potentially never again have the chance.

The important thing here is this: it isn’t really about the things themselves (the travelling and the short film.) It’s about what those things represent.

2. A fear of what it will mean if we don’t get it all done

In other words: a fear that we will be unable to prove ourselves.

This refers specifically to the underlying beliefs and shameful thoughts that we have about ourselves. It is these negative beliefs and shameful thoughts that drive us as we strive to overcome them. It is the thought or belief, therefore, that scares us. What if the thought/ belief is true? We think that if we are unable to prove it wrong or override it in some way, it’ll define us and become the truth of our existence.

An old belief of mine (that I still like to entertain from time to time) is that I don’t matter. I push to get things done, such as a creative project, for the purpose of running from this thought. I hope that the final product (the completed short film, in this case) will render me important and worthy.

A fearful thought, to our minds, is like running from a predator. Time is of the essence, as we want to outrun the lion before it catches us first.

3. We fear it because the others’ fear it

Here, I believe that we simply work off of the others. We see that everyone else is hustling and rushing, and we think: maybe there is something that I’m missing? Nobody wants to get left behind.

The Tony Robbin’s* of the world tell us that we have to do it, and we have to do it NOW. My heart starts beating harder just hearing that concept. It’s stressful!

People that hustle and rush are just as vulnerable to negative self beliefs as the rest of us. Consider, therefore, that just because they encourage fast action, doesn’t mean that they are correct? Perhaps they are also afraid?

*I’m not dissing Tony Robbins specifically. I am referring to the vast pool of doers out there who emphasise action and encourage hustle. For me (and for many others I know) this sort of attitude can cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Hustling isn’t the only way to get things done.

Now that I’ve nutted out the problem, here’s what I think about the solution:

1. Put your blinders on

I first heard this phrase via life coach Connie Chapman in her podcast ‘Awaken Radio’ and I think it’s a brilliant metaphor for sticking to your own path. Horse blinders are firm leather squares that attach to a horse’s bridle and prevent the horse from seeing behind and beside him. The idea is to block out the others and focus on your own journey, free of comparison.

Everybody has their own, unique journey. End of story. Do yourself the favour of resisting the urge to compare, as well as resisting the urge to compete. There is no competition (unless you are in the Olympics) therefore there is no need to race.

Nobody knows your unique needs and desires more than you. Follow your instincts and do things in your own time.

2. Develop faith in your eternity

I could be stepping on a few toes, depending on what you believe, but I believe that we are all eternal beings.

Eternity is timeless, meaning there is plenty of ‘time’ to get it all done. Life, from this perspective, is an endless and steady stream of continually coming into alignment with a new and expanded version of yourself.

“If I’m standing in my physical body and am consciously connected to that eternal spirit, then I’m eternal in nature and I need not ever again fear any endedness, because, from that perspective I understand that there is not any of that.”
– Abraham Hicks

3. Figure out why you’re doing what you’re doing

If you feel pressured by time when it comes to your goals and desires, I’d be confident in saying for certain that it is because some sort of negative belief is plaguing you.

One of the best things that you can do for yourself is release erroneous and restricting beliefs. Life flows a whole lot better when you do, because you aren’t running! You are content with who you and where you are at right NOW. You know that you do not need the weight loss, new job, perfect partner, etc to complete you. Therefore, there is no rush.

It is predominantly this last point that has allowed me to shift my relationship with time. The less I fall for the thought that I am not enough, the more relaxed I feel in relation to my desires.

Be in it for the long haul, and prioritise joy and fulfilment by engaging fully with the present moment.

What does it truly mean to be successful?

Where do we get our ideas about success from, and how can they be redefined?

Success. It’s a bit of a bitch of a word, if you ask me. I feel that the words ‘success’ and ‘failure’ are used too flippantly, and we often assign ourselves to one or the other for the wrong reasons.

Success is something that I have been re-defining for myself for some time now. This became a necessity, for I am an actor, and success comes with a lot of stressful connotations in the acting industry.

I’d brace myself upon meeting new people or relatives and old friends, awaiting the moment they would say: “oh, you’re an actor. Have I seen you in anything?” To me, the subtext of that statement is, “are you famous yet?” I would stumble my way through an answer. “No, you wouldn’t have seen me in anything. I’ve done a TV mini-series, but that was aired some years ago. I’ve done a lot of plays and a couple of short films…” I’d then look for a way to divert the conversation as swiftly as possible, whilst summing up the answer in my head: “Yes, I’ve done plenty of work, but nothing that you would probably find very impressive.”

I was ashamed, for I anticipated others judgement. I assumed that other’s were deeming me a failure because I wasn’t Margot Robbie yet.

It kills you slowly to believe that you are a failure, and the pain of it only makes you strive harder to cover up the fear and shame. It is an endless feedback loop of self-punishment and suffering.

As with most things, the pain had to become unbearable before I truly stopped to reassess.

“How is it that I am defining success?” I finally asked myself. “If I think that I am failing myself, then where do I think I should be in order for me to be succeeding?”

Head. Scratcher.

It took me some time to contemplate the meaning of success, but I finally got some clarity.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles with the concepts of failure and success. After all, I picked up my ideas of success from my environment– namely, other people, the media and society on the whole. Society presents a whole lot of damaging ideas to us absorbent beings, and the concept of success is a big one. We need to step back and re-define, and straighten the whole thing out.

1. Where was I going wrong?

First and foremost, I was looking to other people to decide whether or not I was succeeding in life.

I don’t know what other people are thinking about me. We can all only assume that we know, and so most of our assumptions are based on the thoughts that we are already thinking about ourselves. I assumed that others were thinking I was failing, but in actuality, I believed I was failing. I was endowing others with my own beliefs surrounding my success as an individual, and the reason I believed I was failing was because I hadn’t yet accomplished what I had set out to achieve.

Def. 1: Success = The accomplishment of an aim or purpose or Achieving what you set out to achieve.

Whilst we have many mutual, societal ideas about success (which I’ll come to) many of our measures for success are deeply personal.

As we are growing up, our experiences inform our desires. Abraham Hicks often speaks about the following truth: that through observing what you don’t want, you become clear about what you do want.

Your desires are born through contrast. We constantly desire change and expansion, for we think that we will feel better in the getting of that bigger and better thing. Actualising our desires, therefore, becomes our personal measure of success.

My experiences informed a desire to be seen, hence I chose acting. The achievement of my desire looked specifically like my receiving an Oscar nomination, for that moment would be proof to me that I had accomplished being seen.

The more time that passed, the greater my awareness became of not having yet achieved this desire. This only made me more aware of the thought that I was trying to overcome through striving for my desire in the first place: that I was invisible. The fact that my perceived invisibility seemed more of a reality than my being seen meant I was met with a perpetual feeling of failure.

Leaning on limiting beliefs about my self was where I went wrong, for fame became my measure for success. Limiting beliefs inform our individual ideas of success, and they also screw us over. We don’t come up with the solutions to our obstacles on our own, however…

2. What does society say about success?

For a start, society still very much connects success with material possession, for attachment to material possession (particularly that of wealth and fortune) is a fault of the human ego, ever tempted by the illusion that ‘seeing is believing.’ Furthermore, success has and continues to be attributed to social status, particularly those with fame and prosperity.

Not enough emphasis is placed on that which can’t be seen, and this leads to one of life’s biggest misconceptions: that material value determines one’s worth.

Def. 2: Success= Attaining wealth, prosperity and/or fame

The root fear of all humans is: I am not enough. A popular way to smother this fear is to hold on to the material and tangible, as it makes us feel more certain of our existence. We think that if we attach things and labels to ourselves, it’ll boost our worth.
‘I’m a millionaire; I’m the CEO of a banking firm; I’m an Academy Award winning Actor; I’m vegan; I’m a singer; I’m married, I have a six pack and can bench 140kg…’ (the list is endless.)
For without these things, who are we and how can we be sure that we amount to something?

“Ego is the false perception of oneself as a limited being.”

– Eckhart Tolle

Our modern world has opened up a multitude of opportunities that didn’t exist just a couple of generations ago. Where people were once thought of as either ‘fortunate’ or ‘unfortunate’ depending on the cards that they were dealt in life, it is now commonly accepted that we are, in fact, the creators of our reality. There have been enough ‘rags to riches’ stories for us to see that we are not fated; we can be, do and have whatever we desire.

Whilst this is liberating, the fact that we are no longer victims to our life experience presents a new kind of stress: the pressure of responsibility. There is more expectation for one to do well with their life.

Nowadays, the word ‘success’ is thrown around more than ever before, attributing to societies obsession with being, doing and having the best. It is no longer acceptable to, say, just start up a business– it needs to become the best business in it’s field. It is not enough to simply cook for pleasure– you must go on Master Chef and be deemed the best cook. You like playing netball? Awesome… But are you playing for the National team? This pressure applies to every area of our life, and it is emphasised by the media, who plays into that common human fear of: I am not enough.

Our need for success is driven by our limiting beliefs, and our ideas of success are derived from our environment. Success according to this format, however, encourages shame, as well as breeds further stress.

Success taken from this model is a lie, for it narrows our focus and causes us to view our life through a tainted lens. We cannot see the areas where we are actually successful, for we are only focused on the parts of our life that are still lacking.

3. What does it actually mean to be successful?

Success is not about having, it is about being. It has nothing to do with material possession, status, fame or wealth; it is much simpler than that: it is about being in alignment with oneself. Success is personal, and personal success will differ from person to person.

This is where society gets it wrong, for we tend to believe that success looks the same for everybody, and this simply isn’t the case.

Each of us has personal desires, and it is true that these desires are born through feeling lack, or observing things that we do not want. These desires are unique, and we cannot fully comprehend another’s desire, meaning we cannot fully comprehend (or define) another’s success.

We often look at others and believe that they are more successful than us– yet just because somebody has what you want doesn’t mean that they have received it from the standpoint that you are coming from. One might be born into wealth, and another born into poverty. The one who is born into poverty desires wealth and decides that the one who was born into wealth is more successful than them. Wealth is circumstantial to the one who was born into money, and so their desire will be something different. Their idea of success might be a stable, loving relationship. Let’s say the man who was born into poverty has been happily married for 10 years. The wealthy man will look to the poor man and see success. We assume that those who have what we desire started from the same place that we did, but everybody has their own journey. Our points of attraction are different, therefore it isn’t what you have or who you are that makes you successful, it is your ability to align with your unique desires.

Success is a thing to begin with because our mutual purpose as humanity is self-actualisation. We desire to be the best, most complete version of ourselves. It isn’t the desires alone– it is the fact that you always feel good when you are in alignment with what you want and who you have become, and these good feelings bring you closer to your true self, who is is joyous, loving and all-knowing.

“Success is alignment; focused thought, control of the thoughts I think, feeling my emotions and guiding my thoughts deliberately toward the greater being that is me.”

– Abraham Hicks

In summary, you need to define your own success and ignore what the others are doing. Ever heard the expression ‘follow your joy’? Your emotions are your guide, and if you endeavour to follow your joy, you cannot go far wrong. I have therefore come to lean on the following definition:

Def. 3: Success= Alignment with ones true self

Recognising when you’ve given your power away

A reflection on the consequences of allowing my power to reside in the hands of another.

I have recently had the experience of coming back to myself.

I came to develop a relationship in my life in which it became evident over time that I was giving my power away to the other person in this relationship. I was weakened, made vulnerable and completely helpless to myself. This was a complete power play, in which I had swiftly become the loser.

It’s difficult to describe what I mean without going into detail–

I refer to a relationship; a relationship that was evidently more personal than it ever was professional, and professional it was supposed to be. To save on breaching conduct, I’ll expose the happenings through a metaphorical story juxtaposed to my situation.

A young girl desires love from her guardian. Orphaned as a child, she was rejected during a vulnerable time when her consciousness was still developing and she was absorbent, like a sponge. Through her abandonment, she became aware of the lack of getting what she wanted. She became aware of her deprivation and insecurity. The desire for love, nurturing and security grew stronger. Meanwhile, obstacles to her getting this love multiplied, narrowing her scope of belief in the likelihood of her ever receiving it.

One day, she meets a man. This man is kind to her. He listens to her and gives her a platform to feel heard. He validates her experiences and endorses her sense of worth every time that they meet. Being that her desire is so strong by this point and (concurrently) the depths of her feelings of deprivation for having a lack of it for so long, she becomes addicted to what he is giving her.

At first she is wary, but over time, she lets herself trust the love that the man is giving her. She opens and opens- yet at the same time, her addiction grows. She begins to suffer when she is not with him. She cries because she is made aware of the emptiness that she had become accustomed to prior to their meeting.

The contrast between the two is huge. She becomes dependent on him. Yet as she begins to need him, he starts to pull away. It is subtle at first, and bearable. Yet eventually, being deprived of his love only deepens her suffering. She cannot find another way to access it without him.

He eventually makes it clear to her that he cannot be the one to nurture and love her. Well, this is what he says, but his encouraging actions still speak of the opposite. He cannot help but enjoy being needed…

Through her desperation to ensure this new found love and life doesn’t come to an end, the girl breaks down boundaries in an effort to draw him back. She begins to take risks, each more dangerous than the last; compensating her safety and sanity just to get a taste of his love.

Now, as with all stories of change, there comes a breaking point:

The girls life is on the line. She toys with the idea of murder by her own hand; contemplates the notion of death as an out to her suffering. She has become so addicted to this man that she cannot remember how she lived before him? She is sure that there must be a future for her, but the pain of losing the love that she craved for so long feels unbearable. She would prefer to die than return to the emptiness.

On a particularly vulnerable Friday, she finds herself in the hospital Emergency Room. She had almost let life slip from her hands.

She should have left him now, but she couldn’t. She needed to know: did he mind that she could have died? Would it make him hold her closer?
He shows her care and concern, and she deduces that there is still hope.

The following week she goes to see him. He pulls her close, but not close enough. He leaves her hanging the following day, ignoring her calls and turning to face away. It is at this point that she feels she needs him the most. Her chest has been ripped open and she had trusted him to cotton wool the holes. She lay and bled in his absence, completely defeated and in despair.

By this point, however, the message was clear: she had basically passed him the sword. He held her life in his hands, and she had relinquished all control. The time had come to take her power back.

The decision came from a place deep within. She responded before the idea had completely formed in her mind.
“It is time for me to move on. This no longer serves.”
She preached her decision loud and clear.

At first she felt a surge of relief, combined with an injection of re-empowerment.

What followed were some of the darkest days. Cut off from the source, she had to detox. She grieved and was angry and longed to go back to him. Yet something within her stopped her well before she was at risk of reaching out. She had come to see that her time with him had an expiry date. It would no longer be possible for her fill herself with his love. Her sore heart could not be healed by another. Rather, she needed to learn to love herself.

She could comprehend it, but it was terrifying. She was at rock bottom and choosing to surrender to the dark. Would she be able to survive it? Yet with the help of that inner voice, she stuck firm to her decision and took heavy, courageous steps in an effort to piece herself back together.

Just days after it all went down, I found myself able to breathe once more. I resurfaced from the ocean, fresh and fiery and ready to fight. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for my strength to come back, and I attribute this to the solidity of my decision. Something powerful happens energetically when you make a definite and genuine decision to change. (This is opposed to sitting on the fence.)

I feel that this power play is a lesson that I have grappled with constantly over the years: I choose to let my power reside in others hands, when there is so much power within me. I deprive myself of love and joy and freedom by their hand. I wait for their permission or their validation. It’s a ridiculous way to live, really (all judgement removed.) For when I am empowered, and I turn inward for my source of validation and love, it is endless and infinitely more accessible.

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

– Carl Gustav Jung

You don’t know how loved you are

A personal story. A reflection on being seen, and trusting that you are more loved and valued than you could ever possibly know.

I recognised her when I saw her– though I had never actually met her. I recognised her as one of my own.

We were on holiday. In an attempt to lift us both from the pits of suffering we were cowering in, my partner carefully selected a teashop in the mountains to take us to. This, we hoped, would help shift the clouds of anxiety and depression that were plaguing us. It had become apparent that our holiday wasn’t for relaxation, but was more so an opportunity to catch up with ourselves. Our minds had gone slightly haywire once given the time and space, and the processing weighed heavy.

She- the one I recognised- was running the cafe alone. She was big-boned and tattooed with cropped hair and a heavy expression. She scared me at first. She looked as though she might bite if provoked, and so I hung back, observing from a distance.

Based on appearances alone, I assumed she was gay. I put my arms around my girlfriend in the hope that she would soften, seeing that we were like her. We were “her people” (as Hannah Gadsby says…)

My attempts to reach her worked, somewhat, in that she smiled and asked how our drinks were when she bought us the scone we’d ordered. Looking down, I noticed a couple of thick scars on her arms. Here was evidence of something deeper stirring within her. Once she’d walked away I looked down at my own arm, still bandaged from a recent attack that I had had by my own hand. At that moment I remembered that she was hidden beneath the sharpness of her shell. The hard expression and strong physique were suddenly less offensive. I saw the sadness and vulnerability; a lost soul in desperate need of a fucking big hug.

It’s difficult to describe this next part, but I’ll give it a go:

As I watched her, seeing into her soul, I was struck with a sudden clarity. I could see how loved she was. I could see how worthy and perfect she was– regardless of the efforts she had made to (over time) construct a self that both physically and behaviorally repels others. I no longer bought into it. I could see how powerful she was. And free, as a creative Being that could be, have, or do anything. All at the same time, I could see how oblivious she was to what I was seeing. She likely couldn’t see or feel it at all.

You might think I’m a bit creepy by this point, but I persevere–

I wanted to leave her a note. I wanted to write her a little something on a piece of paper, saying something like this:

‘I see you. I see your pain and I see your strength. Thank you for still being here. I love you. You are more loved and valued than you could possibly ever know.’

I guess the creep factor caught up with me at this point, because I never left a note.

It did leave me thinking, however. Seeing what I saw in her– I wish I could see that in myself. I’m sure others look at me and see the same thing: how loved and perfect and worthy I am, just as I am.

This has stayed with me for some weeks. I’m finding it increasingly easy to look at others and see their wholeness. I suppose I’m looking at them through the eyes of Source.

[Source= God, a higher power, creative life force… Whatever you chose to call it.]

What I’m working on now, is to turn it back on myself; to look at myself through the eyes of Source. For if I can do that, it might just help to save me in this lifetime. I am sure I am more loved than I could ever possibly know.