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SARAH MOON

Tag: selflove

Acknowledging what’s going right

On celebrating how far you’ve come.

 

On the whole, we as people are pretty hopeless at looking for the positive. We are good at seeing what’s wrong, but not so good at acknowledging what’s going right.

Naturally, we are designed to always be wanting more; to be seeking improvement and expansion. There’s nothing wrong with this, it’s how we’re hard-wired. Nonetheless, I believe there is balance to be found, and that is: appreciating where we’re at whilst we long for more.

I was reminded of this yesterday when, during a seminar, I was prompted with a question:

‘How would you grade yourself based on where you’re currently at?’

Initially, I gave myself a 5-7, figuring: I’m okay with where I’m at, but I’m also hankering after a few big changes. I shared this with my partner, who had the wisdom to say something along the lines of, “you know, I was going to give myself a low ranking, but then realised that I would have given myself a similar ranking this time last year. It’s not that I’m not getting anywhere though, it’s that the goalposts have moved.”

It made me realise that I’m probably selling myself short, because a lot has changed for me too… Yet, isn’t it easier to focus on our dissatisfactions than on any positive changes that might have taken place?

We’re always going to want more, that’s not going to change– but it’s also important to stop and take stock of where we’ve come from. It’s important to acknowledge what’s going right.

“Remember when you wanted what you currently have?”
–Unknown

When I think of where I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago, a lot has changed; I’ve even acquired some of the things I was wanting. It made me realise:

Where does the dissatisfaction end?

and;

Where does the appreciation, the pride, the contentedness and the sense of “I’ve made it” begin?

The way we’re hardwired, the appreciation and contentedness doesn’t begin– unless we consciously make space for it.

And so, I decided to make space for it, and I changed my grade to an 8.

Here’s the truth:

We’re always going to want more, but we’re never going to arrive at a final destination. It’s a continual journey, where we grow and adapt and shape-shift. Becoming or acquiring what we want is not the solution to our unhappiness. Rather, it’s choosing to see the good in the life we are presently living. There is always good to be found, and always growth and positive changes to be acknowledged.

Therefore, here’s an invitation for you:

Over the course of the day today, think back to where you were a year ago and ask yourself:

Where have I come from? What positive changes have taken place? What have I acquired, or who have I become, that is more than who I was then? What’s going right?

Then, celebrate it. Celebrate who you’ve become, with love for who you are becoming.

“The more your praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
– Oprah Winfrey

How to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. This post focuses on how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

 

Do you ever find yourself feeling overwhelmed with sadness in response to the events happening in the world?
At times, I feel the pain and fear so intensely that I could lay down for days and weep.

The world we live in is complex. There is potential for so much joy, and so much pain, all at the same time. Some people proclaim that the state of things is worsening, but it isn’t. No matter what decade you live in, there is war, murder, repression, bigotry and cruelty…

Despite my heavy tone, this post isn’t designed to make you despair. My aim is to cultivate the opposite: hope. Life hurts at times. That’s a fact. What I want to focus on, however, is how to cope when the state of the world overwhelms you.

Here’s what I think helps:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

As energetic Beings, we are intricately connected on a deeper level; therefore, it’s natural for us to feel emotions that are not entirely our own. We share this earth, and there is a deeper understanding that what happens to one, happens to all. When shit happens, we hurt on behalf of the whole. We grieve for a way of life that contradicts the equality, peace and belonging most of us crave.

It’s okay to feel. Feelings are to be felt. Have a cry every now and then if you need, and take whatever time you need to process your feelings.

2. Limit your intake of news and media

For years now, I’ve made a deliberate effort to limit my consumption of news and media. Some consider it important to remain “up to date” with current affairs– yet I tend to believe that if it does more harm than good, it’s best to keep a distance. This isn’t ignorance, it’s boundaries. There’s only so much we can care about without compensating our emotional well-being. If it hurts to think about it, then disengage.

One reason it hurts is because we feel powerless. There are many things we can’t control, but one thing we can control is how we respond. The emotions we feel are a direct result of the thoughts we think, which all depends on what we choose to pay attention to. Shifting your attention away from the black hole that is bad news and media is a means of regaining control.

3. Understand that you can’t fight fire with fire

Again, we are energetic Beings and we live in an energetic universe. Where attention goes, energy flows. The way to fight war is not with war (rage, protest, angst, etc), as that only adds heat to the flame. The way to “fight” war is by contributing energy to the opposite cause: peace.

I could lay down for days and weep… But is it ultimately worth it? Does it help in any way? Or does it only contribute to the suffering that already exists?

Whenever we hurt, there exists two truths within us: an acknowledgement of what we don’t want, and a knowing of what our preference is.
If you feel a lot of pain as a result of world events, it’s because you care and you want things to be different. The anguish you feel highlights the love you have toward humanity, nature and the world at large. It highlights your desire for more peace, or more happiness. If you didn’t care, you’d feel indifferent.

When you feel the burden of the worlds pain, therefore; acknowledge the hurt, but choose to lean into your preferences. Lean into love, peace and joy. (Where attention goes, energy flows.) Take your partner on a date and focus on love; go for a walk in nature and immerse yourself in tranquility; watch a funny movie and embrace delight for a while… Take any other action that feels necessary. This is how you fight fire; by doing the opposite, and putting out that which you want more of.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
–Mahatma Gandhi

4. Know you aren’t alone

Life can be really challenging, scary and devastating– but doesn’t it help to know that we are all in this together? Whilst I’ve mentioned that it doesn’t do to dwell, it does help to talk about difficult things when the load becomes too much. Hardship and negativity drive us apart, but when we band together, we have the potential to become stronger and remember who we are.

 

Ultimately, it’s all about choice. We live in both heaven and hell, and I believe that there is just as much potential for love and joy in this world as there is fear and suffering. It depends on what you want to focus on: the hurt, or the potential. Every conflict creates the opportunity for us to know ourselves in a way that is more loving or powerful than we might otherwise have known.

“Life hurts at times. It hurts to have a body at times, hurts to be born, hurts to live, hurts to die, but it can be ecstasy beyond comprehension. You can know that ecstasy. It is inside of you.”
–Frederick Lenz

Be part of the solution, not a part of the problem

The more we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, the more we permit others to do the same.

 

“Be part of the solution, not a part of the problem.”

– Stephen R. Covey

What does it mean to be part of the solution, not a part of the problem?

It means being willing to stand out from the crowd, and to be potentially greeted with adversity or judgement.

It means being courageous as you stand by your values, whilst having faith in the bigger picture (the solution.)

It takes strength and a willingness to return (over and over) to that which feels authentically true to you.

 

But first– here’s why I’ve been reflecting upon this:

From time to time, I have a realisation that I am hard-wired to not belong. I have things about me that stand out, and which I have spent my life trying to repress and reshape. I’m one of those people who never felt like they truly fit in at school. I’m idealistic, opinionated and ambitious. I fall for complexity over simplicity and adventure over security. I’m sexually fluid, occasionally outspoken, I didn’t go to university, I don’t have a 9-5 job, I’m not particularly interested in marriage and my future children may or may not come about as a result of IVF.

I often wish that I were ‘normal’, and that I was able to blend in with the crowd. Life would certainly be easier if I were straight with a boyfriend and a secure job with a dependable income and a mortgage and a small group of close friend and a dog and no reason to stand out.

Wouldn’t it?

The more I think about it, the more I come to think that maybe none of us truly belong…

This gives even more reason to be a part of the solution, for the more we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, the more we permit others to do the same.

What does it mean to be a part of the problem?

Trying to change who you truly are in order to belong.

For me, this whole concept best presents itself in the way of body image:

Since adolescence, when I first began to develop, I’ve been in denial about my body shape. My body has always been fairly strong, and whilst I’m not by any means overweight, I’ve always felt that my body is too ‘big’. I’d look at pictures in magazines of models with zero curve nor body fat and I’d tell myself that in order to be truly accepted, I must undergo a metamorphosis of sorts. The effort I’ve made to transform my body via diets, exercise and by only wearing particular clothing has plagued me for the majority of the past 12 years. As I said– I’m not overweight, yet I feel that my curves and strength betray me. They make me stand out just that little bit too much. If I were smaller, I wonder, then perhaps I’d blend in?

Body image is undergoing a revolution, and diversity is beginning to be portrayed in the media. Nonetheless, we still have a way to go.

By denying my body, I deny others who have the same type of body as me. By trying to change it, I contribute to the problem.

For me, being a part of the solution is to embrace my body as it is: a body that is perfectly feminine and strong, but that doesn’t fit in in terms of media standards. For I know that it’s a relief to see somebody on screen or in the media who looks like you. It makes you think “well if they can do it, so can I.”

What does it mean to be a part of the solution?

There are others out there who need you to be you, for it reassures them that there is no reason to be ashamed of who they truly are.

Essentially, this means: don’t try to change who you are in order to fit in.

Embrace who you are, for the sake of your own peace of mind, but also for the liberation of all humanity.

Embrace your body and your flaws.

Embrace your mental health and your struggles.

Share your stories and opinions (but don’t be a troll.)

Take down the shield and allow yourself to be seen.

We are all tired of pretence, aren’t we? It’s exhausting and prompts separation among us.

To be a part of the solution is to release the need to add filters and photoshop your life. None of us are flawless and nobody is the same. Wouldn’t it be a relief is we could all stop pretending that perfection exists and that life is a one-size-fits-all?

The more we give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, the more we permit others to do the same.

How to stop comparing yourself to others

Comparison to others is natural and serves a purpose, but it can also get the better of us. How do we better deal with comparison when it takes over?

 

I find comparison to others be a constant battle. (The prompt for this post was a need to nut out my own anxieties around the subject.)

Wouldn’t the road of life be easier if there was no competition?

I quite like the idea of being alone in the world, with no one beside me to size myself up against. Without the pressure of another’s existence, I can imagine that I would be quite content to do, be and have whatever I please, for there would be no measure but my own internal guidance system. There would be no time pressures and no fear of failure, because the time I took and the mistakes I made would be relevant only to myself.

When we compare ourselves to others, we are assessing the similarities or dissimilarities between us and them. Comparison is a natural thing to do, for we humans are all about belonging, and comparison contributes to our need to assess where we fit in with the rest of the tribe (society.) My theory then, is that comparison is directly linked with a fear of not belonging.

What if we could have both? What if we could be sure of our place in this world (belonging) whilst also maintaining the impression of living only for ourselves?

Comparison serves a purpose, which I believe you can harness to work for you rather than against you. To clarify, therefore, this post isn’t necessarily about stopping comparison for good, but rather, about adjusting your relationship to comparison so that it causes less harm.

Everything in life is a matter of perspective. In pursuit of greater empowerment, freedom, joy and authenticity for myself and my readers, I desire to crack open the topic of comparison. Here are my 5 tips to stop comparing yourself to others:

1. Positive emotion is your compass

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

–Theodore Roosevelt

Basically, it makes you feel crap when you compare yourself to others, and this is because it takes you out of alignment with yourself.

Imagine that you are encompassed by a vortex of energy. Another mental image for this could be a tornado. Encompassed by this rapidly rotating whirlwind of energy is all that you are; your unique standpoint. Your individual dreams, desires and needs; your tendency to love and be joyful; your ecstasy and abundance. Abraham Hicks calls this your “vortex of creation.” I liken it to your individual ‘God’ energy, or Higher Self. This is who you truly are.

Our emotions serve as a guide, where the better we feel, the more aligned we are with our Higher Power. Positive emotion, therefore, is your compass.

When you step outside of your unique vortex of creation, you often feel bad.

When I compare myself to others, I feel worthlessness, despair and doubt. These emotions are at the lower end of the emotional scale, indicating that I am not vibrating at the frequency of my all-loving authentic self, where all is always well.

When you turn to another for guidance in the form of comparison, the suffering you feel is real. I think of it as your Higher Self looking down on you, like, “excuse me! Over here. Y’all are looking in the wrong direction!”

2. Those that you envy are your expanders

When you envy somebody, it is because you recognise that they have something that you desire. If you didn’t desire it, you wouldn’t feel envy. This is because the opposite of genuine desire (love) is indifference. The fact that you have desire regarding something is evidence that that thing already exists in your vortex* of creation.

*To clarify, the vortex of creation is the “place” where everything that you desire to bring forth into your reality is realised in it’s vibrational form.

Here’s where you can shift your perspective. Rather than envy somebody for the thing that they have that you want, recognise this as evidence that your desire already exists as a vibrational reality. This is all a matter of mindset.

When we feel envious, we are experiencing resistance to our desire. We feel envy because negative self-beliefs have been triggered. We therefore feel negative emotion rather than positive emotion when we think about the thing that we desire. If the negative self-beliefs weren’t there, then our desires would be accompanied by emotions of excitement and positive expectation.

There is a lesson, therefore, in those that you envy, and this is why I call them your expanders.

The bottom line?

Think of comparison as a potential for growth rather than evidence of your failure.

3. In comparing yourself to others, you deny yourself

It sounds cliche, but it is totally relevant and totally true:

“ Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.”

– Oscar Wilde

You came forth as a unique individual with specific wants and needs, ready to have a good time in this life.

Comparison (when it leads to suffering and that whole thread of self doubt) is basically a means of self rejection. You are denying your individual journey by telling yourself that you should be somebody that you are not. What if you are exactly who and where you intended to be?

4. Believe in your own journey

You are you for a reason, and your journey is as necessary and as sacred as the next persons.

Don’t fall too much for the materialistic measures of success that society and the media feed us, for they are not as they appear.

(I wrote a post on success that goes into detail on this. You can check it out here: What Does It Truly Mean To Be Successful?)

I believe that a person’s life purpose is more subtle than we tend to think it is. I like to consider this with Meryl Streep. On the outside, many might perceive her as superior due to the material success and fame that she has acquired. She is deemed “the best actress in the world”, but this doesn’t necessarily define her, nor her life’s purpose. Her purpose in this life might be “to learn more about compassion by considering other people’s perspectives.” Here, acting just so happens to be the right journey to assist in the learning of this life purpose.

I guess what I’m saying is: you never know what is going on behind the scenes. An individual’s journey is structured in a way that best allows them to grow in the way that their soul uniquely desires. The purpose of life is expansion, and only the soul knows what it needs to expand.

An individual’s journey is a predominantly subconscious process, and the timing of actualisation will always be right.

Believe, therefore, in right timing. Billie Eilish may have won a Grammy at 18, but this doesn’t reflect her ability to align with “success” over yours. It simply means that this was the experience Billie needed to be able to expand in the way her soul uniquely required at this point in time.

5. When it gets too much, look away

I’ve said this before, and I’m going to say it again: put your blinders on. Horse blinders are firm leather squares that attach to a horse’s bridle and prevent the horse from seeing behind and beside him. The idea is to stop the horse from getting distracted or ‘spooked’. There’s no shame in just shutting it all out if it becomes too overwhelming.

One way I actively put my blinders on is with social media. I am very particular about who I follow. I go by my intuition, as well as my emotions. If it (the content) makes me feel good, then I’ll keep it in my circle. If it makes me feel bad, I’ll remove it from my field of vision. That way, I can guarantee that my social media feed won’t provoke me in a way that encourages negative thoughts and self doubt.

Saying that, be mindful of your expanders. It’s good to be challenged every now and then, and it may serve you to think about why you’re being triggered by certain people or content. Only you can know.

 

What’s your experience with comparison to others? I would love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to leave a comment below.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself and respect your individual journey.

How can I practice self-love?

We’ve seen enough self-help books to know that self-care, or self-love, should be at the top of our list. Yet, what does it actually mean to practice self-love?

 

Self-love has been on the agenda for June 2020. The idea developed thanks to some fresh insight that I gained by listening to my body.

“I listen to my body’s messages with love”

– Louise Hay

I have recently had a tendency towards headaches. I’ve never been a ‘headachy’ person; I’ve never had a migraine. I am also worse than a dude with a case of the man-flu when it comes to pain tolerance, meaning my poor partner has had to put up with my moaning. I’m an impatient person and it wasn’t long until I was hustling for a solution, and this was when I turned to Louise Hay.

In Hay’s book, ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ (which I highly recommend), she has an extensive table of health problems with their probable causes and solutions where she explores the psychological aspect behind the various dis-eases that manifest in us physically.

I had a look to see what she had to say about headaches. ‘Oh yeah…’ I said aloud, for I recognised it as soon as I read it. Headaches, according to Hay, are a result of denying or invalidating the self; of self-criticism and fear. I was already aware of the turbulence I had been experiencing of late when it came to self-acceptance, and I understood that this was my body’s way of saying, “hey there! Give yourself a fucking break, and give me some lovin’!”

Self-care is an easy one to slide off of the agenda, yet it is deeply necessary. The most important relationship we have is with ourselves– yet many of us tend to look outside of ourselves in our search for love, intimacy and validation, and this rarely has the ability to satisfy us.

Take a look in the mirror, and your best friend and soulmate is staring right back at you. We usually have a bone to pick with that reflection, and this is what causes us to turn and look the other way.

If there’s one thing that has been evident in this time of lockdown, it’s been that nudge towards self-reflection that is inevitable as a result of restrictions. I believe that this recent pandemic came about to encourage a stripping away of sorts as we seek greater authenticity, truth and personal growth. Now is the time to re-connect with yourself. (Well… it’s always a good time to re-connect with yourself.) Heal your relationship with yourself, and the loneliness and emptiness will gently dissipate.

That’s all very well to say. We’ve seen enough self-help books to know that self-care, or self-love, should be at the top of our list. Yet, what does it actually mean to practice self-love?

I think, simply, you practice self-love whenever you take time to nurture yourself.

Think about a best friend or a partner. What is it that you do to maintain a healthy relationship with that person? You seek to support and care for them, to show them respect and loyalty, or even to have a laugh. You can practice all of these things with yourself as you build that same sense of intimacy, trust, love and care.

Sometimes I imagine that I am relating to myself as a separate being (and I promise I’m not crazy.) I imagine that I am spending time with myself as if ‘myself’ were my partner, or even a younger version of myself. I find that this can help me to transfer that same tendency to love and to care, for it can often be harder to treat ourselves with compassion and kindness than it can others.

Here are three simple practices I’ve been working on adapting in my desire to amplify my relationship with moi:

1. Take the time to be present with yourself

You owe it to yourself to enjoy the life that you’ve created for yourself. Everyone likes to feel seen and heard. It occurred to me recently that we can validate ourselves; we do not have to wait for others to give us time and attention. And so, I’ve simply begun to carve out ‘Sarah-time’ where I endeavour to be present, as well as spontaneous. I do anything that I feel like doing with that time, whether it’s: go for a walk with myself, go and have a cup of coffee with myself, meditate, write, read, listen to music or go to the park. With myself.

2. Speak words of kindness

Have you ever considered this? Some of the things that we say to ourselves, we would never say to anybody else. We so easily call ourselves ‘a stupid idiot’ or ‘fat’ or a ‘lazy bastard.’ Yet, imagine if we just went around saying these things so haphazardly to others? We would either have no friends, find ourselves regularly covered in bruises, or both.

The reason that we don’t say these things to others is obvious: it’s extremely hurtful and damaging. Therefore, why do we let ourselves get away with this kind of negative self-talk?

Be mindful of the way you speak to yourself.

The way I’ve started this practice is by paying myself compliments throughout the day, telling myself I’m doing a good job, etc. I also make regular use of affirmations. If you keep a journal (or more specifically, a gratitude journal) I will occasionally spend time appreciating myself: my favourite qualities, things that I have done that day that I am proud of or glad for. It is common to look outwards when practicing appreciation, focusing on the people in our lives and our physical environment. What can be a much more powerful exercise, is practicing appreciation for yourself.

“Appreciation of yourself is the closest vibrational match to Source energy*”

– Abraham Hicks

*Source energy= God energy, alignment with the Higher Self

3. Treat yo-self

Take yourself on a date.

The other day, I had to get a couple of things from the shops. I decided to dress up a little, just for myself, and I began my shop with a half hour coffee break. I don’t often sit down for a coffee, particularly without the company of others, so this simple little activity really felt like a treat.

I’ve heard it said before that you can ‘gift’ yourself on a daily basis. This could mean a physical gift (though this might empty your savings quickly!) or it could mean putting those extra flourishes on your breakfast to make it feel special.

We’re aiming for those warm-fuzzy feelings here. You don’t have to help an old lady cross the road to get those feelings; you can help yourself cross the road and… Well, that might not give you warm-fuzzies, but hopefully you get where I’m going…

You cannot give from an empty cup, and this means that it is okay to be selfish. Once your cup is over-flowing, you will naturally want to give to others.

Take the time to nurture yourself, for at the end of the day (meaning the end of your life) you are the only one that you really have to answer to. It’s between you, and you.

5 healthy ways to engage with social media

Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your needs and is consumed in moderation. Here are 5 suggestions to help you to engage with social media in a healthy way.

 

Following a one year hiatus, I have recently returned to Instagram.

This time last year, I put a halt to social media altogether, all-too aware of the anxiety I was feeling as a result. Like many, I’ve been prone to using social media in my search for validation, and any perceived messages of rejection as a result of too few ‘thumbs up!’ had me crawling under the doona with my hands over my eyes. I felt humiliated and low all too often, and I do not regret giving it the flick; it was the right thing for me at the time.

Returning to social media, therefore, has been a very careful choice, and a decision that I have not made lightly. I deliberated over the pros and cons, and eventually decided that it’d do me good to re-engage, for social anxiety does not simply dissipate by using a technique of avoidance. I decided to confront my social anxiety, and I aim to do so with self-love and discipline. I can already see the contrast in the way I am using social media now as opposed to a year ago, and that hindsight has lead me to see that social media doesn’t have to be detrimental to my mental health. I just have to decide how I’m going to use it.

Here are five things I suggest considering when looking to engage in social media in a healthy way:

1. Ask why

Why use social media? Is it to connect with family and friends who live in a different city to you? Is it to stay connected with family and friends who live in the same city? Is it to market your business, or brand, or yourself? Are you an artist? Do you love to cook and want to share your home cooking ideas? The reasons could be endless… Ask anyone, however, and you’ll get a positively-stated reply. Not many people would admit, for instance, that they feel lonely and use social media for those little dopamine hits that feed them with perceptions of popularity. Herein lies the power of the mind: it works as a duality. We think we mean one thing, but we actually mean another:
‘I just want to stay connected with my friends’, says your conscious mind, ignoring the scoff of that other voice in the darkness.
‘Nah you don’t’, says the subconscious mind, ‘you fear you’ll miss out if you’re not online. We’re insecure, remember? Will your friends really value you if you don’t post that selfie of you and your cat? Do it! You need the likes and comments. I promise it’ll make you feel better…’

Most people have some ulterior motive going on in terms of the reason they use social media, whether they are aware of it or not. It’s important to consider what it might be for you. This isn’t to make you feel bad, or guilty, or whatever… It’s to ensure you’re not encouraging negative habits of thought. By engaging in social media to ensure you feel better, or more loved, valued, etc, you only strengthen the opposing thoughts underneath.
If you want to connect, or market yourself, then great, but ensure you’re not doing so to satisfy those niggling thoughts that say you’re not good enough.

2. Define your purpose

I had to step away from Instagram for some time before I felt sure that I could engage in a way that didn’t tend to my negative self beliefs. The first thing I did (after identifying why social media was making me feel bad, of course) was re-define my approach. The thing that brought it together for me was the concept that social media could be a means of service to others. All these years, I had been making it about me. I was using it to gage my worthiness, a measuring stick to prove whether I was, in fact, as insignificant as I believed deep down that I was.

I came to realise (with a little help from a friend) that this didn’t have to be about me. Just because I wanted to share my ideas, didn’t mean that I had to make it so personal. ‘Take validation out of the equation’, she said. And I realised that she was right.

I decided that it could be about sharing, about truly connecting to others. It could be about spreading positivity and hope and joy. None of these things have anything to do with my worthiness as an individual, for how I feel about myself is actually a very personal thing. That relationship should stay between me, and me. I don’t need to share a selfie to feel lovable. I should be able to look in the mirror and just see it for myself.

Take your power back. Nobody else has the right to determine who you are and what you are about; that is for you to decide.

3. Don’t spread yourself thin

Quality over quantity, my friend. Imagine a spoonful of peanut butter. Would it be better if it were spread over one slice of bread or five? Using one spoonful of peanut butter to cover five slice’s of bread is what I’d call spreading yourself thin. Respect your time and energy by setting yourself boundaries. I mean this in reference to:

a) The social media outlet(s) that you choose to use:

Personally, I find it overwhelming to think I should be on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter AND LinkedIn… Not to mention Snapchat and TikTok and God knows what else. I decided, therefore, to invest my time and energy in just one for the time-being. I released any pressures of expectation, or social pressures as to ‘what is the next big thing?’ If I learned anything from my hiatus from social media, it’s that FOMO wasn’t actually a thing. My life wasn’t compromised because I wasn’t engaging in the latest on TikTok. If anything, I appreciated just how much more time I had to focus on other things, many of which bought be greater joy and satisfaction.

If you believe in quality over quantity, then sometimes it can be better to put all of your eggs in the one basket. I decided to simply start with Instagram, for it was the one that inspired me the most. If you care about utilising your energy, then I’d recommend being selective. Not all of them are worth your time.

b) The amount of time you spend on social media:

It’s all too easy to pick up your phone and have a cheeky scroll. Our phones are basically an extension of our arm in this day and age, so checking your notifications can come as naturally as scratching your nose. It didn’t take me long to re-engage with this old habit when I returned to the world of Instagram. I found myself making up for old stalking time, which subsequently invited negative thought patterns back into town. Once I realised this, I got disciplined. I was determined not to let myself re-engage with old habits. I decided to set myself a couple of rules, the first of which was to dedicate a specific time of the day to social media usage. In that way, I can ensure I am engaging with social media more purposefully, whilst respecting the healthy habits I adopted for my idle time whilst in my hiatus.

4. Filter

And no, I don’t just mean your pics.

One thing that has massively helped for me is being selective with who I follow. I didn’t want my news feed to trigger anxiety or depression anymore. I want my news feed to inspire me, and encourage me in positive ways. The great thing about most social media platforms is that we have that choice: we can decide what we do and don’t want to see. If that means you don’t follow some of your friends, then so be it. Or perhaps you can consider unfollowing Kim Kardashin? We all love a bit of celebrity gossip, but at the end of the day, does it make you feel good or bad?

5. Get real

Make sure social media isn’t the only means you have for engaging with people. To build meaningful relationships, it is important to be able to connect in real life.

One of my main concerns when I decided to leave social media was that I’d lose touch with friends. But then I realised: what kind of friends would my friends be if they stopped talking to me just because I’m not on Facebook? I decided to trust that the true friends in my life would pick up the phone and call, or send me a text, or find some other way to reach out. This ended up being the case.

As I have already mentioned, FOMO didn’t end up being a thing. Anything that was of value to me, I found out about. I maintained a social life, and I was still involved in the things that mattered. Anything or anyone that didn’t make it to me mustn’t have been necessary, for I trust that they would have found a way.

Authenticity is the key here. We all know that social media can be fake.

 

In summary, have awareness and be true to yourself. Like food, social media is healthy if it resonates with your (body’s) needs and is consumed in moderation.

 

A letter to my younger self

All the things I’d say to my younger self, given the chance. 

 

To you,
Young, vulnerable you.

I may be a little late in doing so, but there are some things I wish to tell you. I speak from the future, because it is only with hindsight that clarity is truly achieved. I speak from that part of you that is whole and all-knowing, who loves you unconditionally and desires the very best for you.

I see you. I see your heartache and your longings. I see your sadness and the disappointment. I see that you have an innate ability to be free– but that as you grew up in this world, your ability to act on this freedom became more restrained. This isn’t your fault; this is simply the way of the world. We are meant to lose our way, for it is in this contrast that we come to strengthen our knowing of who we are.

I see that you doubted your value. I see that you were lonely. You longed for validation, love and appreciation, for somebody to affirm how special you are. You didn’t receive this– at least not in the way that you desired. It fractured your heart, which was created to be whole. You looked at the others, thinking “why can’t I belong with them?” You felt that you were different, out of place and misunderstood. “What do I need to do” you thought, “to be more like them? To feel that I belong? To feel that I am wanted?”

I want to let you know, little one, that it was simply not your time just yet. It was a time for contrast, and a time of observation. You suffered, but it all played out the way it did for a reason. I know this doesn’t help you, or cause the loneliness to cease…

I want to reach out to you now, to let you know that you are not alone. You were never alone– you were simply isolated by the sadness and a lack of ability to know.

Truly, it is through contrast that the best gifts come forth. Should I have been able to reach into your mind then, I would have reassured you of this. I would have held your hand and spoken words of comfort. I would have made you laugh and promised you that everything would be okay. Everything will be okay, I’m telling you so now.

Throughout these times of sadness, you developed a tendency to dream. A part of you knew of your value, because you projected it into your future. “When I get there” you said, “then they will see me. I will belong, I will be loved, I will be free.” This dream became your tether of hope, for without it, you struggled to see a life worth living.

There are two things I want to tell you here:

Firstly, you did not need to suffer to bear this dream. It has lived within you despite your circumstances.

Secondly, the dream is separate from your suffering; your desire to be loved, seen and heard. All these years, it has seemed that they are the same thing. Your beliefs about your unworthiness are buried into the roots of your dream. These painful beliefs exist for you so long as your dream is unfulfilled.

It does not have to be this way, because your unworthiness is not an actuality. The sadness and the loneliness– it exists and it is valid, but only because of your doubts. You developed these ideas about yourself, and they were a lie from the start.

You are not misunderstood– you are unique.

You are not lonely– you are independent.

You are not unworthy– you are worthy beyond comprehension.

You are not unloved– you are lovable beyond comprehension.

Your external circumstances do not reflect your worthiness. If you had known this at the time, then you would not have suffered. You would have continued to play and be free, knowing that you are you, and that is enough.

And so, where do we go from here?

I ask you to lean on me, for I am here to carry you forward. You have been mistaken in thinking that you are in this alone.

The dream continues; it always will, for you have spent too much time contemplating it for it not to come into fruition. Nonetheless, it must no longer be your tether. A dream should never be sought for the purpose of proving your worthiness.

And it is time to let go now. Let go of the sadness, the loneliness and the need for validation. The dialogue now must be:

“I am enough, I am lovable, I am free. I accept myself, just as I am. All of this is inherent in me.
I got there; I am already here. I never needed to look any further than myself.
I have absolutely nothing to prove. I dream because I love to dream, and I live life purely for the joy it gives me. I live for myself, and nobody else.”

It is okay to let go, I give you permission. Fall and trust that I will catch you, for you’ll find that when you look back, I have in fact always been there.

We’ve got this, I promise.

With love from your future self.